PLAUSIBLE
DENIABILITY
Ahhh...
Back in LA for some sunny 75 degree weather.
Friends
and associates in Portland are starting to ask
what I'm doing down here all the time. They are
coming to some strange conclusions and making
up some weird scenarios.
So
okay, I guess it's time to come clean. It's time
to put everyone's curiousity to rest.
You
see, I've thought about this for years 
and
years, and it finally felt like the right time
to pursue my goal. Ever since I was a young whippersnapper
riding my bright red Peugot 10-speed along the
mountain roads of Coos Bay, Oregon, I've had one
singular vision. One secret dream. Nothing all
that bizarre. I just have been hesitant to talk
about it because, well, I'm a private kind of
person.
The
fact is, I've always wanted to be a female mudwrestler.
So
when "Big" Archie Donnelly, President of the Multinational
United Dominion of Female Erotic Mudwrestling
or MUDFEM, called and offered me the chance late
last year, I jumped at it.
It
involved a lot of planning and forethought. The
plastic surgery. The California residency requirements.
The annoying hair extensions. The hormone shots...
But
here I am. And I'm having the time of my life!
Sure,
I could be back in Portland, taking shots like
the ones that crazy Patricia Barrera, co-founder
of Portland's Lola Greene Baldwin Foundation,
recently leveled at me.
In
a story last month in the Portland Tribune she
stated:"If Frank is such a talented man, why does
he still want to buy and sell women?"
My
response: I haven't bought or sold a woman since
the 4th grade, dammit!
And
then she continued on: "Pimps are the most charming
men you'll ever meet. These people are good at
what
they do."
My
response: Thanks? Although she's never met me.
And
then on... "Exotica (sic) Magazine
is another story. Pimps and johns depend on
that rag."
My
response: Then they depend on Willamette
Week, The Portland Mercury and The
Qwest DEX Yellow Pages as well.
And
finally... "I'd rather have my daughter shot
in the head in Iraq."
My
response: 'Nuff said, lady. Make Mine Marvel.
So,
as you can see, I prefer to be down here in
LA, apparently exploiting myself and getting
more in touch with my feminine side.
Who
knows, maybe after awhile I will understand
a little more about what Ms. Barrera is talking
about from a more female perspective.
But
until then, she can just shut it.
And
now, like Michael Jackson says, "Just leave
me alone." I gotta go buy me some sunglasses.
'Cause like Pat McDonald says, "The future's
so bright, I gotta wear shades."
