The Portland
Trail Blazers announced last month that they would
be fining forward Ruben Patterson $100,000 for "conduct
detrimental to the team, the organization, its fans
and the City of Portland," referring to an incident
on Nov. 25 when Patterson was arrested for felony
domestic assault of his wife. It is believed to be
the largest non-suspension fine in Blazer history,
and Blazer President Bob Whitsitt said he thought
that by fining Patterson he was "doing the right thing."
Exotic magazine
(THAT'S US) announced last month that the publication
would be fining former Editor Jim Goad $500 for allowing
last month's offensive column "Hard Justice" to slide
by the magazine's review system. Publisher Frank Faillace
(THAT'S ME) also announced the fining of former Exotic
writer Officer Partridge for $5000, believed to
be the single largest fine in Exotic history,
for writing the article. Officer Partridge is a member
of the notoriously eccentric group known as the Partridge
Family Temple, a religious organization that worships
the Partridge Family and drinks each other's urine.
"If those people really believed in 'Come On, Get
Happy!' and 'I Think I Love You' as guides to life,
this article would never have been written," said
Faillace (ME AGAIN). Goad immediately announced his
resignation and Officer Partridge was relieved of
his writing duties.
The NBA announced
last month they will be fining the Portland Trail
Blazers over $55 million for being that much over
the NBA's "soft" salary cap. This is by far the largest
single salary cap fine in sports history. The NBA
will not be suspending the Trail Blazers, although
they have promised the team will once again not make
it past the first round of the playoffs.
All the strippers
in Oregon banded together last month for the first
time in history, forming the not-for-profit institute
and liberal thinktank Oregon Strippers Association,
and announced a $50,000 fine against Exotic (YOU'RE
READING IT) magazine for publishing the "Hard Justice"
column that was extremely derogatory towards dancers
in the industry. The $50,000 figure was calculated
as the monetary value of the emotional damage generated
by the article for every stripper in the state of
Oregon for a 15-minute period. A distribution system
for the money has yet to be determined, but is being
studied by the association..
Exotic (YES
US AGAIN) magazine announced today that they will
fine Trail Blazer President Bob Whitsitt $1 billion
just for being a stupid
Shawn Cassidy
and Shirley Jones of TV's "The Partridge Family" announced
they would be fining the Partridge Family Temple $1972
for misrepresenting the loving, feel-good theme of
"The Partridge Family" in
their member's
actions over the last few years, including numerous
documented bar fights and the writing of the disparaging
article "Hard Justice" in last month's issue of
Exotic (THIS ONE) magazine. When asked, Cassidy
said, "We love ALL people, INCLUDING strippers,
and Officer Partridge's words were just so full
of hate and meanness. That's not COOL. That's not
what "The Partridge Family" is about. It's about
LOVE, man." The figure of $1972 was decided upon
because that was the year of The Partridge Family's
last Top 40 single, "Looking Through The Eyes Of
Love." "It just seemed like the right amount, man,"
said Cassidy.
Well, Exotic
(IN YOUR HANDS) magazine finally "jumped the
shark" last month with the publishing of the poorly-timed
Officer Partridge column and then the shocking news
that the U.S. Attorney General's office and the
newly-formed Department of Homeland Security nearly
shut the magazine down after being notified of the
article, citing the "possible terrorist links" between
the Partridge Family Temple and al Qaeda.
Luckily,
after pondering the situation and thinking, "What
would Ward Weaver do?" the publisher (ME JACKASS)
was able to convince Attorney General John Ashcroft
AND Department of Homeland Security Secretary Tom
Ridge that Exotic (THE ONE WITH SPELLCHECK)
magazine was NOT a front for financing al Qaeda,
but just a bunch of gender-challenged, lower-lifeforms
trying to make an honest buck off naked women.
And they
fell for it...suckers. Can I get an "Amen!"? All
the liars-n-lawyers in the country can't bring down
Exotic (THE ONE PEOPLE READ).
So after
all that, the biggest problem facing the publication
was dealing with the angry strippers calling our
humble little grammatically-correct-but-not-politically-correct
magazine office. The pre-planned, stock answer to
any-and-all telephonic verbal abuse was, "Problems
in the coven, dear?"
Finally,
with this issue you may notice many, many changes,
including the new Exotic logo. You may also
notice the white background on the cover...And in
case you haven't heard, rumor has it that covers
with white backgrounds secretly signify that I'VE
HAD SEX WITH THE COVERGIRLS! This vicious gossip
has caused me many, many months of ANGUISH and HUMILIATION.
And I just want to say for the record: That's nothing
but a malevolent, mean-spirited, completely atrocious
rumor...that I'll completely admit. Hot damn that
was fun! Whoohoo! I RULE!
My Ode to
Jim Goad: He made me laugh out loud and scared the
hell out of me at the same time. Everyone else is
boring.
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