Our esteemed publisher Frank Faillace is somewhere on vacation this month, more than likely in the VIP room at the Gold Club in Atlanta...

In his absence we'd like to say that Frank is a pretty cool, great guy. He's really smart, and he's moderately successful and good-looking on top of it all.

You know he graduated an honor student at Newberg High School back in the '80s, scored a 1420 on the SAT, and got a full academic scholarship at George Fox University, where he majored in physics and mathematics before he dropped out to pursue a career in software design, photography, writing and publishing.

So, actually, we were all thinking around here that maybe SOMEBODY reading this could use someone with Frank's innate talents and skills. Maybe you could offer him a nice, easygoing JOB? See, as much as we all really love the guy, he's starting to wear on us. He's getting on our NERVES a bit. We actually do a much better job when he's NOT AROUND. And, to be honest, we all think he's a little BURNED OUT.

Which is understandable, because you know a major monthly magazine deadline can mentally BREAK a guy down after more than eight years. We've managed to convince him to bathe regularly these days. The drooling means he needs nappy-time, but that only happens two or three times a day. So if anybody has something, ANYTHING really... He's very good at cleaning and scrubbing things. As long as you don't mind the mumbling.

Anyway, please let us know here at the office if you've got any openings. He works for cheap. Just make sure you keep a lot of Pepsi, Baby Ruth bars and Bacardi 151 around and he'll practically work for free. We could even kick in some money for you to take him. But don't tell him we set this up. We can ship him over as soon as he gets back. Or you can just pick him up directly from the Greyhound station. Let us know the address so we can forward his Social Security checks. Thanks.

--The Exotic Staff