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  by
Frank Faillace' [fuh-lah-chay]
Email: ffaillace@webtv.net
All my life
I've been known as a smartass. A smartass kid... A smartass
little shit... A smartass jerk... A smartass fuck... The
subsequent words may change, but the general idea has always
been the same. But being a notorious smartass isn't easy.
First of all, as the name suggests, it helps to be smart.
The smarter the better, and well, hey... I'm pretty smart.
Now, I find
that nothing turns me on more than a smartass girl. Except
maybe a smartass, bare-assed girl.
Speaking
of which, we have Holly, "Miss Nude Oregon 2000," on our
cover this month. We had the future ex-"Miss Nude Oregon
2000," Kitty, on our cover back in January.
Which brings
me to this whole "Miss Nude Oregon" thing... Y'know... First
this girl is "Miss Nude Oregon 2000." Then that
girl is "Miss Nude Oregon 2000." But then yet another
girl should have been "Miss Nude Oregon 2000." No,
wait, she's "Miss Nude Gentlemen's Club 2000." No,
she's now "Miss SXFPX 2000"... Oh, wait it's only
the third round robin semi-final elimination round... It's
all beyond me, and rather confusing anyway you look at it.
Whether
it be a litigated and confused "Miss Nude Oregon" pageant,
or a seemingly neverending "British Kirby Vacuum Sales
Gimmick"--er, I mean the "Miss SXFPX 2000" series of
fraudulent contests, I just can't keep any of it straight
anymore.
And then,
there's always our own old standby the "Miss Exotica" awards.
(We do it a bit unconventionally: We don't make money off
it and we have the contest at different places and times
and only once a year). "Miss Exotica 2001" will be decided
later this year at a yet-to-be-disclosed location. We'll
wait till the dust settles and all the other crap is long
forgotten...
Of course
there are the wide open titles yet to be awarded: The obvious
"Miss Nude Portland 2000." There's the somewhat obscure,
yet workable "Miss Naked Multnomah County 2000." The eloquent
"Miss Non-Clothed Tri-County 2000." And of course, the backwoods
favorite, "Miss Bare-Assed Nekkid Beaver State 2000," (I
think Odell from Rooster's should sponsor that one).
I personally
am going to sponsor the "Miss Smartass Great-ass Bare-ass"
Contest, and I hereby proclaim that Ariel is the winner
for 2000 (see related photo and caption in Erotic City,
page 24).
On the net
you can see further related stories at www.stupidbutt.com,
www.smartasslittlebitch.com as well as our website, www.xmag.com.
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