Carnal Knowledge

by Frank Faillace' [fuh-lah-chay]

Office: 503-241-4317

Email: ffaillace@webtv.net

Last month in this column, there was a reference to my ex-girlfriends that could possibly have been interpreted as insulting.

Some of my ex-girlfriends-- many of whom still live in Portland and apparently (can) read this magazine-- took exception to what was written.

It was insinuated that perhaps a few of my ex-girlfriends were lacking in sanity and/or intelligence. The exact words were: "Which ex-girlfriend of mine is actually the least intelligent... and which is the most insane..."

What was meant was: "All my ex-girlfriends are extremely intelligent and beautiful and I must have been completely insane to have ruined each and every relationship through no fault of theirs."

I'm sure everyone can understand the mix-up and I apologize for any misunderstandings.

Actually, it wasn't even me who wrote last month's column--or any column over the last two years. Yes, it's true. The person who has been writing this column since January 1998 has not been the real Frank Faillace'. I am the real Frank Faillace'. For two years I was unknowingly replaced with a clone by my evil, arch-nemesis The Limey, aka Professor Yoder. All along I had thought I was the clone. After all, how can you tell if you're the original or the clone? So I went far away, traveling the world. And then this New Year's Eve it was revealed that I was actually the original Frank Faillace'. So I'm back now, reclaiming my life and working with my clone-- who I like to call Bobo-- to make this magazine and this city a better place to read and live.

Bobo the clone also apologizes for any misunderstandings.