After eight-and-a-half years of brutal, stress-filled monthly deadlines, I won't be here next month. Oh sure, I'll be back. By now I'm probably so addicted to the stress that I'd go insane without it. But day-to-day-after-day I'm pretty burned out. So, since this is our 100th issue, it seems appropriate that this be my last big bang. There are several other talented people in this magazine orifice who have worked hard--learning the ins and outs of publishing a quality monthly publication--and can now take over many of my important, extremely complex duties like that of Paper Clip Organizer, Rubber Band Monitor and Stereo Frequency Controller.

But before I lapse into obscure publishing semi-retirement, I realize that I have been sorely amiss in one of my most important duties here... One of my primary objectives... That's right, not since the very beginning of this year have I mentioned anything at all about... MASTURBATION. But then a few weeks ago my girlfriend broke up with me. And you know, when a beautiful, sexy girl dumps you, there's nothing better to turn to than your first obsession... Thank god for the five channels of pornography on satellite TV! Despite the fact I'm not getting laid, I always have channels 594 through 598 to look forward to when I get home late at night and when I wake up first thing in the afternoon.

And since I'm on my favorite subject of "self-abuse"... The other night I'm sitting at home, between decoding strategic copywritable portions of the Human Genome, analyzing data for extraterrestrial signals from the Deep Space Radio Observatory at a base frequency of 1.418 GHz, and jerking off to Carnal Co-eds #13, I switched over to CNN and saw yet another newsclip of our B52 bombers dropping giant pallets of food rations into Afghanistan. Not too unusual except that at the very same time we were dropping bombs on them. "This is pretty weird," I thought. But it's kind of an interesting idea. And it sparked a little brainstorm that I thought was particularly clever. Sure, the Taliban are evil and they need to be blown up, and the Afghan people are hungry, and they need food. But maybe what they REALLY need is something a little more "cultural." Something they they haven't been allowed to have in Islamic countries for maybe 1500 years or so. Something they obviously need more than anything else...

Yep, we need to expedite massive airdrops of pornography into Afghanistan. These poor people have been sexually repressed for so long, it's no wonder they're pissed off at everyone. They need porn and they need it now. They need to know it's okay to jack off and relieve their stress in a much more socially constructive way.

So we can load up the B-52s with a bunch of cluster bombs, a few crates of K rations, and a few tons of excess inventory from the Fantasy Adult Video warehouse... And drop 'em one after the other. Cluster bomb! K rations! Jenna Jameson! Hellfire missile! Rice and vegetables! Asia Carrera!

How could they possibly hate us if they're busy wackin' off to a Taylor Hayes-Chaisey Lain Girl-on-Girl-Double-Anal?

And while we're at it we should drop some of the sticky green bud to mellow them out. I mean, the Taliban really needs to lighten up and spark a little of the kind herb. Then maybe they could chill out and play nice like those Uzbeks to the north. Let me tell ya, those crazy, whacky Uzbeks know how to party...

And after 100 issues of sex, drugs and rock-n-roll, hopefully so do I.