OPERATION: ENDURING CAPITALISM

I'm pretty well into my 30s now, and I need to start settling down a little bit-- start to get a little more serious about my work. You know, quit fucking around so much and start making some real money. So I've come up with some ideas...

One of them is an adaptation of something used in movies and television for years: Product placement. Selling product placement in this column could pay for my much-needed retirement fund. Example: For $250 I could say that I'm sitting here writing my column while drinking a refreshing, ice-cold bottle of MILLER GENUINE DRAFT. That's right, it's Miller time, baby.

Let's see, for maybe a $100 bar tab I could say, "I can't wait to finish this column so I can go down to SASSY'S BAR & GRILL for a refreshing cocktail and the best looking strippers in town!" In fact, Shane and Holly are both working right now (trade for a table dance from each).

And you know, when I'm at Sassy's, I like to drink only the finest in Puerto Rican rum, that's right, BACARDI & Coke ($200 cash), along with a nice straight shot of JIM BEAM WHISKY ($200) every now and then and all my troubles are hours and hours away.

And gosh, that really nice place, D.K. WILDS ($100) out in Beaverton sure has some great PLATINUM WETT LUBE ($150 product trade). I was just out there the other night and it's close to STARS CABARET ($100) where you can see about 30 incredibly beautiful dancers every night.

Finally, after I get home from my night out, I could call LOLITA 18 & DANGEROUS ($300 trade) at 503-223-2726 for a little "relaxation therapy"...

The final tally? $850 cash, $150 in lube, $100 in booze, a couple of table dances and whatever Lolita has in mind for $300. Not bad for a 15 minute puff piece...