I lost my virginity when I was 17 years old.

Now that I think about it, it was on August 18, 1982... Yes... "It was 20 years ago today... Pam taught little Frankie how to play... The bitch dumped him on the very next day... So he started Little Frankie's Lonely Hearts Club Band..."

I first ATTEMPTED to have sex when I was only seven years old. It was with an older woman. She was a cute, eight-year-old little neighbor girl. She seduced me while we were alone down in the bushes by her house. She told me to take off my clothes and get on top of her naked body. I did and she tried to "put it in," but it wouldn't go in because I didn't have a hard-on. Just seven years old and I had already had my first experience with impotence.

A few days later I figured out the whole hard-on/insertion thing and tried to get her back in the bushes. She told me she would if I gave her a dime. Not a bad price for a little nookie, but unfortunately, like most poor white trash seven-year-olds in 1972, I was flat broke.

Strangely enough, it all worked out okay when a few weeks later I got my first handjob from her older sister, who was about 12 years old, while she was babysitting me. She woke me up in the middle of the night and promised to buy me a toy gun I wanted at the store if I let her "play with it." What the heck, it sounded fair. Of course I didn't come, but I did score the toy gun.

Things got a little weirder later on though, when her older brother, I think he was about 10, offered to give me a nickel if I let him suck my dick. That was a little much for me, so I turned that one down.

Needless to say, the neighbor kids were a little screwed up. They ended up moving away after their father went to jail for something. For what I can only imagine...

So anyway, after 20 years of successful, non-solitary sexual activity I've come to realize that a lot of people, both men and women, just don't know how--or care how--to FUCK WELL. And frankly, I'm baffled. I just don't get how lame some people are when it comes to sex. Because, despite the fact that our politically correct society tries to deny it, sex isn't JUST important. Sex isn't JUST a primary function. Sex is THE primary function. Sex is EVERYTHING. Everything we do comes down to SEX. Period. Argue with that and you are WRONG BUSTER. So why not do it WELL? Why not try HARDER?

If only there was Flintstones chewable Viagra around in 1972 I could have lost my virginity at nearly the same tender age as Ike Turner (see page 76) did. I could be singing, "It was 30 years ago today..." And I'd be ten years better at doing it.