Page 22 - Exotic | January 2025

It's a commonly held belief that people do not want to be fat.
After all, people go to terrible trouble to not be fat. We go to gyms, try all manner of absurd diets, get surgeries, take drugs that someone sells on late-night TV, and pretty much any goofball thing some celebrity rec- ommends.
But we don't often talk about how to get fat, you know, in case you need to do so in a rela- tive hurry. I'm sure everyone has some notion of how to do this, like eating McDonald's all day or some such, but I have done diligent research, and I'll get you fuckers fat as fast as possible.
of keto and paleo diets, which are mostly meats and fats, we know that fats are not the enemy, unlike the "everything must have a low-fat version" mantra of the '80s and '90s. Here are some things that will really help you lay on the blubber.
Diet
Now, you knew the first thing I was going to cover was food, so let's get to the meat of this. I found the most fattening and un- healthy foods on the planet. I know that something being just fatty doesn't mean you get fat from it. We dismissed that soci- etal concept some time ago, and in the age
Smoothies
These things just pretend to be healthy and trick you into thinking so, but Jamba Juice is a house of lies. One of their medium-sized peanut butter smoothies, for example, is 120 grams of carbs and 102 grams of sugar.
Jalebi
Here's where we start getting weird. This is a pastry made in India, so you might have trou- ble sourcing it unless you have a really kick- ass Indian joint near you. It is a dough made
Aligot
Why are French cooks regarded as the best? Because they invent shit like this. Aligot is a dish of mashed potatoes. I know what you must be thinking: "Mashed potatoes? That's not that fattening." Trust me, they found a way. Mashed potatoes, finely blended with Tomme de Laguiole (which is dense cheese curds) and cantal (a hard cheese), sometimes mozzarella, and a fuckpile of butter and gar- lic, traditionally served in a bread bowl. Of- ten, they will dip sausages in it, too. Needless to say, this will help you pack it on.
Khachapuri
This one hails from Georgia. Not our Georgia, but the one that's in Slav land. It's a sorta- sandwich, being a long bread roll similar to
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Store-Bought Cakes
Yep, those ones you get at the grocery store with the really terrible icing. They have every- thing you want: processed sugars, palm oil, corn syrup, and nothing but pure carbs.
of super-refined flour and sugar, deep fried in oil, and then drenched in a hyper-sweet sauce made of sugar, honey, and rose water. Move aside, glazed doughnuts! Jalebi comin' through!