Page 22 - Exotic | September 2024

spite his love of jacking off in his neighbor’s bird bath), Fruit Brute (who is now known as “Frute Brute,” is currently in prison for steal- ing an ambulance to go make out with a grade-school teacher), and Yummy Mummy (who is missing, and presumed to be in Mex- ico, hiding out). Grade B+.
Cookie Crisp
Yet another in a series of mascots who care to deprive people of cereal. Cookie Crook (and his dog, who for some reason also wears a mask over his eyes) would purloin the famous Cookie Crisp ce- real, only to be caught by the Cookie Cop. Though, after it all re- solved and Cookie Crook was behind bars for the heinous crime of cereal theft, Cookie Cop would just fucking eat it after he locked them up. In front of Cookie Crook, even! Isn’t that evidence? You goddamn fascist. All of you get a grade D. Except for the dog. He gets a B.
I think I have covered most of the major players in the cereal game. There are many more out there, and perhaps I’ll grade some more on their performance and share it with the class at a point, but I think I covered most of the heavy hitters.
Now, everyone has their own opinions, but I am talking mostly about the characters and not so much about the products. These are, in many cases, evolutions of concepts that have gone through focus groups, marketing meetings, graphic designers, film direc- tors...all manner of industry experts, executives, and then more. Sometimes, though, you still end up with the weird Honeycomb hairball thing at the end of the day.
Eat a good breakfast, and enjoy life. -Wombstretcha
*This is not a comment regarding existential dread. It’s just about Life cereal. But I guess both can apply.
Wombstretcha the Magnificent is a Honeycomb demon, writer, retired rapper, and part of this complete breakfast from Portland, OR. He can be found at his website wombstretcha.com, on Twitter/X/whatever as @wombstretcha503, and on MeWe and (begrudgingly) Facebook as “Wombstretcha the Magnifi- cent.”
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