Page 21 - Exotic | March 2025

do indeed make mustard there, and have since Shakespeare's day; it is blended with horseradish for some tang and is very thick. When this is said of a person, if we were to say it in our modern terms, "he's as dumb as a pillowcase full of Jell- O."
• "I am sick when I do look on thee." From A Midsummer Night's Dream
Well, that one doesn't take much interpre- tation. "You make me wanna puke when I look at you."
• "For I must tell you friendly in your ear, sell when you can; you are not for all mar- kets."
From As You Like It
"Look, dude, I'm trying to be nice here, but you are not a prize; just take what you can get."
• “I’ll beat thee, but I would infect my hands.”
From Timon of Athens
"Motherfucker, I'd hit you, but if I did, I'd get AIDS."
• “More of your conversation would infect my brain.”
From Coriolanus
"Keep talking, and you're gonna make me sick."—not a tough one.
• “Peace, ye fat guts!” From Henry IV
"Shut the fuck up, you fat piece of shit."
• "I will bite my thumb at them, which is a disgrace to them if they bear it."
From Romeo and Juliet
"I'm gonna give them the finger (biting your thumb at someone was the Middle Ages version of the finger), and they ei- ther fucking deal or fucking fight me."
• “The tartness of his face sours ripe grapes.”
From The Comedy of Errors
"This guy's fuckin' face is so ugly, it turns fruit rotten."
• “That trunk of humours, that bolting- hutch of beastliness, that swollen parcel of dropsies, that huge bombard of sack, that stuffed cloak-bag of guts, that roast- ed Manningtree ox with pudding in his belly, that reverend vice, that grey Iniqui- ty, that father ruffian, that vanity in years?” From Henry IV (In which apparently many disses were handed out.)
"You fat fuck, you are disease, you look like George "the Animal" Steele, you probably have the fucking plague, and again, your clothes can barely contain how fat of a fuck you are. You're like a big, fat cow full of sixty pounds of Jell-O, and you can't even hide it. Also, you're a fuck- ing wasteoid who has no charm, and you don't know right from wrong; you're the spawner of criminals, and the son of them as well, but you think that's somehow a flex."
• “Thou clay-brained guts, thou knotty- pated fool, thou whoreson obscene greasy tallow-catch!”
From Henry IV
"You are a dumb fuck, you're stupid as shit, you're the son of a whore, and are a beastly, fat fuck, at that."
• "What, you egg! Young fry of treachery!" From Macbeth
"You're really young and very stupid. Also, you're not just a dumbshit kid, but you're trying to plot against me, assface."
• "Thou sodden-witted lord! Thou hast no more brain than I have in mine elbows." From Troilus and Cressida
"You think with your dick, which is smart- er than your head, and I've more brains in my elbows than you have in your skull."
• "Your brain is as dry as the remainder bis- cuit after voyage."
From As You Like It
"You are so boring. If there was an award for being boring, you wouldn't even win it because you'd have bored the judges all to death."
• "You are as a candle, the better burnt out."
From Henry IV
"Man, you'd look better dead."
• "Villain, I have done thy mother."
From Titus Andronicus "Lol, I fucked your mom."
• "You are not worth another word, else I’d call you knave."
From All's Well That Ends Well
"Stop fucking talking to me, or I'm just gonna keep calling you an asshole."
• "This kiss is as comfortless as frozen wa- ter to a starved snake."
From Titus Andronicus
"I dunno what you tryin' to kiss, but that felt like kissing a Sumo wrestler's asshole after he'd been out sitting in the snow for a week."
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