Page 21 - Exotic | September 2024

toast, a whole chicken, and fucking dinosaur eggs. In conclusion, Lucky can vacuum farts out of a kangaroo’s hopping ass, but points for keeping those kids off his dry, stale marshmallows. Grade: C-
Tony the Tiger
I can’t hate Tony. Not a bit. Not only was he positive as can be, he was also an enduring cereal mascot who provided cereal to kids and encouraged athleticism. He’s probably the GOAT of cereal mascots. He’s grrrreat, even though he did cheat on his wife with a soap opera actress and got blown out in the news that one time. Grade: A.
Cap’n Crunch
As stated in the ads, you and the Cap’n make it happen. I liked the character, but eating Cap’n Crunch was the polar opposite of eat- ing Life cereal. Life gets soggy when you blink*, but eating the Cap’n is like setting off a nail bomb in your mouth if you don’t let it sit for a few minutes first. His commercials even had him fighting bad guys called “sog- gies” for a time—enemies who would try to sog up Cap’n Crunch’s cereal. Nothing doing, you brigands! The Cap’n took a hard rudder to starboard and gave them a full, 30-can- non broadside, then sent a boarding party to capture their ship and execute the crew. All joking aside, that stuff would, as promised, remain crunchy. Cap’n pulls a solid B+ as a mascot. He did what he said he was gonna do: secure crunchiness. He was eventually promoted to Real Admiral Crunch.
Sugar Bear
He and Dig ‘Em Frog kinda sorta fall into the same category, and I know they’re both iconic mascots, but...why does he sound like Dean Martin? Do kids even know who that is? They’d probably listen to ol’ Dino and be like, “Hey, he sounds like Sugar Bear.” He gets a B+ just because that was the direction they took a cartoon cereal mascot. “I know! Let’s make him an animated cereal-bear Dean Martin!” Can’t get enough Super Golden Crisp. I’m surprised nobody made a Jerry Lewis mascot to sell Grape Nuts or something.
Sonny the Cuckoo Bird
Yes, he is cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. Sonny, you’re a wannabe Toucan Sam, you know it, and you’re an alcoholic who pushed his aunt down the stairs to steal her wheelchair. Grade: C-.
Honorable mentions:
Monster Cereals
Count Chocula (despite unresolved, impor- tant dental issues), Franken Berry (despite having a serious heroin problem all the other monsters are worried about), Boo Berry (de-
That Insane Honeycomb Creature
Do you remember those Quizno’s commer- cials with those absolutely spastic creatures
Snap, Crackle, and Pop
Fuck these elvish assholes. Did we need elves to sell us Rice Krispies? No. However, I wonder who would win in a fight between them and the Keebler elves. I rank Snap a C-, Crackle a D, and Pop a C+. Pop more-or-less knew what
called Spongmonkeys trying to sell sand- wiches? That’s what this shithead reminds me of. He’s like a...neurotic and cereal-ob- sessed hairy CGI muppet who basically gets his PTSD triggered by seeing Honeycomb cereal and must eat it! Imagine having your breakfast stolen by a psychopathic mop. Fuck this guy. He gets an F. Stay away from chil- dren, asshole! Also—and this may be subjec- tive—Honeycomb cereal is two inches from tasteless. It tastes like almost nothing...kinda like Kix. Fight me.
was going down.
Dig ‘Em Frog
Yeah, we get it. He’s “urban.” A wonderful way to dodge, yet implement, stereotypes. That said, I do like his cereal, and he was gener- ally a fairly wholesome, if stupid, character. Grade: B.
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