Page 20 - Exotic | September 2024

We know them. We grew up with them. They’re the characters created by marketing people to sell us breakfast cereals. All of them distinct in their ways, but at the end of the day, that was their point: make you want the product they’re selling.
It’s not a unique concept by any means. Many products have mascots, and many have been around for decades: there’s Kool-Aid Man, Michelin Man, Colonel Fuckin’ Sanders, Ron- ald McFuckin’ Donald, Mr. Peanut, Mr. Clean, and so on. For reference, people have asked Procter & Gamble if Mr. Clean is gay, and the response was, “he has no interest in anything but making things clean.” Nice dodge. How- ever, that is not the focus here. I’m gonna pick some of the most famous breakfast mascots and give you all the breakdown.
Ranked in no particular order.
hip-looking since the late ‘80s. Just let him be a monkey, damn. Did he need jeans and a hat? However, he sang a catchy song about being a monkey and liking Cocoa Krispies. Not bad, Coco. You get a B.
have three cartoon bakers in the ads for Cin- namon Toast Crunch in the 1990s and early 2000s: the lead baker, Wendell, and side bak- ers Bob and Quello, all manufacturing this ce- real that gets soggy if you look at it sideways, but was still pretty decent. Bob and Quello were eventually removed from the ads, leav- ing Wendell to be the main and only cartoon baker in charge of making Cinnamon Toast Crunch. It is rumored that he murdered them both with a cinnamon-coated whisk. He was eventually replaced by something far dumb- er but plump, jolly Wendell was the mascot for a long while—1990 to 2009. I’m assuming he stayed on top by mercilessly slaughter- ing his enemies with cinnamon toast-related implements before being brought down by his hubris. Grade: C.
Coco the Monkey
Cocoa Krispies have been around as long as the late ‘50s. That’s right, they are that old. However, Coco the Monkey only came into being in the 1960s. Their prior mascot was apparently an elephant named Jose, who also liked chocolate cereals. He was dropped, and Coco stepped in. Coco has been around since, selling kids sugary delights. They even acknowledged the well-known fact that it turns the milk into chocolate milk in the ads. However, his appearance was stifled by con- trived controversy over events in the recent past. He was far less of an asshole than a lot of the other cereal mascots out there, despite efforts to make a cereal-loving monkey more
Toucan Sam
Follow your nose. I never understood that catchphrase, as Froot Loops don’t really smell like anything but unvacuumed carpet. Maybe if you have a big-ass beak like his, the nose knows where it goes. However, unlike other cereal mascots, he would lead the kids to the cereal rather than prevent them from having it. He deserves points for that, despite being annoying and British, for no particular reason. Are these even sold in the UK? My re- search shows that they were...once, for about a year. The Brits didn’t care for Froot Loops, and they stopped distributing them after poor sales. Grade: D.
Cinnamon Toast Crunch Bakers
Now, this does reach back a bit. They used to
Trix Rabbit
Now, this fucking guy...he hatches bizarre schemes involving elaborate disguises and premises to obtain fruity cereal from children. The kids are never fooled. “Silly rabbit; Trix are for kids.” Just give him a bowl of damn cereal, and he won’t have to spend half his paycheck at Spirit Halloween buying costumes. Also, why would he not simply spend his disguise money on a box of the stuff? You’re an idiot, Trix Rabbit. You get a D.
Lucky the Leprechaun
Lucky. Lucky is an asshole. He spends his entire existence preventing children from eating cereal, yet claims it’s “part of this com- plete breakfast.” I always, even as a kid, noted that the “complete breakfast,” of which it was a part, was this mammoth affair with OJ, milk,
2
2
0
0
e
e
x
x
o
o
t
t
i
i
c
c
m
m
a
a
g
g
a
a
z
z
i
i
n
n
e
e
|
|
x
x
m
m
a
a
g
g
.
.
c
c
o
o
m
m