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Big
Omar's Bonin' Up On Blondes;
VCA; Dir.?; Stars: Omar and eager British Amateurs
This
Brit series is so popular over there that VCA was compelled
to pick up Yankee distribution and cash in. Omar has a
charming, upper-class Queen's English accent and a huge
cock he's forever employing to audition eager amateurs--who've
never had such a big thing before. Isn't it loverly? Scene
one, down at the Travelodge, features an innocent office
girl trying Omar on for size. With her government glasses
and cheap, bottle-blonde hair, you know she's moanin'
for the green, not for Omar's black. Omar introduces his
twelve inches to her on the particle-board dresser while
she oozes enough milky white to cream a bowl of cereal.
Nasty.
Rudimentary
black-and-blonde fuckage on the checkered bedspread follows.
The cameraman seems to get disoriented at times, shooting
the floor, furniture, ceiling...must think he's David
Lynch or something. With my headphones on, I'm practically
deaf from all the moaning by the end of scene one.
Omar
continues to bob around London Town sticking his 'Big
Ben' in babelicious blondes. Omar crashes a friend's photo
shoot and gives the model a proper knocking. Omar's 'British
Banger' is so renowned that girls from all over England
are constantly writing him, begging to audition for his
flicks. And, of course, the auditions become his movie.
Thus the entire breezy premise. Some of the girls are
top-drawer--refreshing fuck-filled-faces never seen before
in American porn. Takes two hands to handle the whopper
as the girl in scene three gives Omar a lot of kneeling
eye contact.
This
British Invasion will not change the face of American
culture. A facial with a British accent is still just
a facial...and we thought of filming it first, so leave
Omar on the shelf. With only four scenes, the pound is
definitely shrinking. And so will you.
Succubus;
VCA; Dir., James DiGiorgio; Stars: Julie Meadows,  Brook
Hunter, Bridgette Kerkove, Dynamite, Ava Vincent, Kyle
Stone, Herschel Savage...
This
is one of those big-budget feature porno films that hopes
to get nominated for some AVN awards. I think we should
air-drop every copy of this video over Afghanistan; then
they'd feel sorry for us. Herschel Savage and Julie Meadows
are arguing over nothing when they run over some ghostly
woman with their black Mercedes. They stop to help, but
no one's there.
Ooh,
scary. She jumps outta nowhere into their headlights
and begs the bitchy couple to take her home with them.
Could she be the dreaded succubus? After all, how else
would you run into a succubus in LA except by driving
around in your Mercedes until you creamed one with your
bumper? The LA couple is so upset about this meeting
of metal and pedestrian, they throw the poor succubus
in the back and immediately go home and fuck. Meanwhile,
we have no idea what the succubus is up to. Raiding
their refrigerator? Watching war updates on CNN? Making
microwave popcorn?
"Omar introduces
his twelve inches to her on the particle-board dresser
while she oozes enough milky white to cream a bowl of
cereal. Nasty."
So,
after the guy gets done hosing his girlfriend (yawn),
the freaky music starts and he creeps out to check up
on their new live-in succubus. He finds her sound asleep
(as I will be any second watching this video). Aren't
succubi supposed to be nocturnal creatures? He pulls
down the covers to take a peek. Well, you have to be
a lot quicker and craftier than that to sneak up on
some succubus. Suddenly, the covers are empty and she's
standing across the room. Wow.
How
hauntingly strange can you get? Insert dick into succubus
here. And why the hell would a succubus require her
partner to wear a condom, anyway? I mean, isn't a succubus,
like, already dead? Savage drops a pathetic, middle-aged
money-shot on her not-alive-but-undead breasts.
Next
morning, same shitty porno movie, different day. The
succubus, Lilith (that's simply not fair), gets cozy
with the girlfriend while the guy goes off to work.
Lilith starts playing with her Cracker Jack mood ring
and the next thing you know, Kazaam!, the Twinkie-headed
girlfriend is completely hypnotized. Lilith drones on,
"I
know you have special yearnings, special feelings, hidden
here deep in your heart. Things kept secret that only
you and I know about."
And
so the bleached-blonde succubus turns out to be a genie
in a Clairol bottle, manifesting her prey's hidden desires...which
turns out to be sex in the kitchen with some stranger.
Look for this Succubus to incubate on the shelf
before sucking seven bucks a whack from unsuspecting
customers ordering off the Spice channel.
Meanwhile,
the succubus inspires Savage to fantasize about his
secretary fucking dirty homeless men in a back alley.
Porn this good is why we must keep bombing those terrorists
to preserve our way of life. As the Army's elite Delta
Force parachutes into Taliban territory, I wave my limp
flag in salute to bad porno--an American tradition for
thirty years.
Dangerous
Games; VCA; Dir., Veronica Hart; Stars: Chloe,
Tina Tyler, Keri Windsor, Mickey G., Kyle Stone...
So,
we forge ahead, over the barren porno landscape, into
this Veronica Hart release, hoping against hype. At
least Chloe and Tina Tyler both know how to act. And
Chloe can suck dick better than any succubus wannabe...as
she proves right off the bat in scene one. Chloe loves
cumming on camera more than any other porn queen,
and she doesn't disappoint here. In fact, she cums
twice, just in case you were up getting a snack. Which
is what he gets, sucking her succulent ass while he
beats off. The harlot heat coming off Chloe's dirty-talk
in the first scene nearly knocked my headphones off.
So
Chloe slinks down to the swank singles nightclub.
Mickey G. looks angry as he catches up to Chloe outside.
Segue to a slut swallowing big beefsteak in a back
alley. More than a mouthful is wasted on some girls.
Not this one. They fuck on one of those wooden wire
spools while Chloe and Mickey G. and me watch from
the perverted shadows. I insert an alternate porno
tape in my brain here, watching someone I once "knew."
Always a good sign when the porno inspires these parallel
universe moments in my head. Two trains running. He
fucks the unholy bejeezus outta the little tramp.
Meanwhile,
Tina Tyler takes a couple guys home from the nightclub
because her hubby, Mickey G., is so boring and predictable.
Tyler's slow, sultry brunette burn is the perfect
complement to the incandescent Chloe. Poor Mickey
G. walks in on wifey and the guys. Pausing to take
turgid manmeat out of her painted mouth, Tyler sneers,
"A
little humiliation will do you good."
So,
hubby sticks around for a cuckold view from the couch.
"See,
I always told you your cock's not big enough," Tyler
snarls at Mickey with one in her pussy and the other
in her ass.
Mickey
G. meets Chloe in an abandoned warehouse where they
paint each other in gay pastels as foreplay to fucking.
Oh well, not every scene can sizzle.
Tyler
keeps up the bitch routine as she drags rich hubby
to the "Osaka Meeting," where he must strip and be
used in the board room by the clients--two upscale
Asianatrixes. The silky, waxed-smooth Japanese pussy
was never lovelier--flowers of the Orient.
In
the end, the humiliated hubby turns out to be the
clever one as he manipulates Chloe into killing his
wife. Then sends Chloe to jail so he can make off
with his blonde bimbo assistant. Veronica Hart has
done it again with this couples-friendly feature.
Next month I promise: Face Dance Obsession
will rip your ass-craving gums out. Till then, bombs
away.
(Note:
My spellcheck's suggestion for Taliban: Tailbone.)
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