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 Freak
Show; Sin City; Dir., Alex Ladd;
Stars: Taylor St. Claire, Allysin Chaynes, Michele
Raven, Regan Starr, Herschel Savage (under a mask), Mickey
G.
We open with Micky G. getting a blow job
from a blonde who looks like she wants to be doing anything
but. Pearl necklace follows. He's her boss and she's been
going down on him for over a year, trying to get a raise.
So her co-worker, Taylor St. Claire, takes her to a bar
where they serve breast milk in clear plastic cups. Allysin
Chaynes applies for work down on her knees; she's easily
outdone by a girl in orange hair who deep-throats a Rasta-Man-Vibration.
Allysin plays this Alice in Wonderlust who has stumbled
behind the mirror of inept film making. Taylor St. Claire
is her hapless guide. At times, Allysin looks like she's
ready to crack up. Nonetheless, Taylor forges ahead into
her femdom role--which allows her subs to receive instant
gratification. It's a kinder, gentler femdom; lucky slaves
get fellated quicker than you can say, "Yes, Mistress."
As they wander deeper into Freak Show,
Taylor tells Allysin, "Look within yourself so you can
step inside yourself." That and a couple of used condoms
buys you a script at Sin City. And then the midget jockey
gets fellated by fillies all trussed up in gold show-horse
costumes, complete with white platform hooves. Neigh,
I say. Call me prejudiced, but midgets belong in the circus,
not having sex on camera. (Ed.'s note: There's
a standing offer in the Exotic office for anyone
brave enough to fly down to the Moonlite Bunny Ranch and
have sex with Bridget the Midget, all expenses paid. No
takers yet.) These cute fillies, though, look like they
can't get enough of that midget dick. The thing about
having sex with a girl midget is this: She doesn't have
to get down on her knees to suck your dick. Maybe that's
the appeal. But guy midgets?! Some sort of circus fetish,
I guess.
More of that shiny silver moon blanket
material in scene three, that Sin City production designers
are known for, augmented by a giant exhaust fan. My patience
exhausted, I hit the FF button and tough it out for you,
dear porno fan. Taylor's DP on the silver moon blanket
makes me long for "Space, The Last Cuntier." Allysin returns
from her Journey in Wonderlust to Top her boss, thus earning
her a raise and the right to fuck his hairy ass with a
huge strap-on. In the end I realize: The only real freak
show is my fucking life. 
Wishful Thinking; Sin City;
Dir., Roy Karch; Stars: Chloe, Shelby Myne, Lola, Regan
Starr, Micky G., Steve Hatcher
The camera caresses Chloe, the hottest
star in porno today, masturbating on a floral bedspread
while watching a porno. I've noticed these fuck films
favor floral print bedding, couches, chairs, etc., Maybe
it's because the pattern hides the cum stains better
so they can reuse the fine furnishings. Anyhow, what's
really fascinating is executing a freeze frame on the
porno playing within this porno video. Kinda metaphysical.
Next thing you know, I'm inside the video that Chloe's
watching--a blond blowing a bro' on the leftover set
from Freak Show. The Leap of Faith here is that
super porn star Chloe and I are now watching this video
together. Except, I'm writing, she's masturbating--same
diff'. Eventually, they get around to fucking on the
shiny silver moon blanket--another material that hides
cum well. Meanwhile, back on the floral bedspread, Chloe
starts bouncing up and down on a variety of dildoes--some
the size of a Jedi sword. You see, for Chloe's character,
having a real man, rather than a rubber penis, is just
wishful thinking. Chloe's deepest wish is to have, "a
good man, a kind man...very sexy...a freaky guy...huge
cock...and he also has to have a nasty imagination."
Sounds like I need to give Chloe a call and reinterview
her. Tell her five outta six isn't bad.
Chloe gets dragged out by her friends
to Club Freak so she can meat (sic) a man. Meantime,
she puts her wish list under her pillow each night.
And then comes the new girl, Lola; she's an itty-bitty-titty,
brunette, cock-gobbling cutie. Rex sees her going places.
In fact, except for the braided and jaded Shelby Myne,
Wishful is an itty-bitty bonanza. In the end,
Chloe meets her dreamboat, which turns out to be Micky
G. You're shittin' me. While Wishful Thinking
is not a thinking-man's porno, overall,
I think I lost fewer brain cells watching this video
than your average fuck flick. And that's not just
wishful thinking.
Taken; VCA; Dir., Veronica
Hart; Stars: Ginger Lynn,
Rebecca Lord, Alexandra Silk, Herschel Savage, Evan
Stone, Tyler Wood
Ginger gets it on with her reluctant
hubbie, Herschel Savage, who's trying to get some fucking
sleep. I'm happy that these geriatrix (sic) can still
get it on. Gives a guy hope.
But he leaves her high and dry, running late for work.
So Ginger gets out a girl's best friend--her vibrator--to
finish the job. Next thing you know, Ginger gets abducted,
blindfolded, bound and gagged and served up to Evan
Stone; must be the "taken" part. Ginger's abductor serves
her champagne in a bubble bath while the French Maid
lays out the towels. Lynn and Stone show off their acting
skills in repartee about the psychology between the
taken and the taker.
"So, are you the good
prince?" Ginger asks Evan. "And does the good prince
always abduct his princess?" setting up a parallel
to the Woman's Batterer Syndrome...as the couple next
door start screaming again at 3:00 A.M. Thank God
it's Friday. Stone's Fabio-like flavor lends itself
well to his warrior-scholar-abductor character. Yeah.
That's what all those batterers and abusers come on
as: warriors and scholars of psychological terror.
Meantime, Ginger falls
asleep in chains and dreams about people in goofy
masks having sex. The masks come off and Ginger's
not just dreaming anymore--
"The
thing about having sex with a girl midget is this:
She doesn't have to get down on her knees to suck
your dick."
she's getting speared
by Randy spear. For director Hart, the best moments
are the non-sex scenes between Lynn and Stone. Once
Ginger's been "taken," the dramatic scenes are set
free, thanks to the surprising chemistry between Lynn
and Stone. Meanwhile, back at the abductor's mansion,
Lynn pleads, "Let me go and we can date." She's got
it bad.
Hart's script reminds
of the occasional tenderness within the raging storms
of abusive, captor/captive relationships. There's
a flowering cactus that bears the sweetest fruit--pure
sugar nectar. Any animal would injure its own face,
time and again, to get a taste of that succulent,
life-giving liquid. In the loveless, lonely desert
of human existence, some of us can't help but return
to that cactus. No matter fucking what. Likewise,
Lynn and Stone have their caveat emptor lovemaking
scene. Next day, freed from her physical bondage,
she can't even call a friend, let alone 911. She voluntarily
submits. Especially since a girl's second best friend
is the diamonds Evan hooks around her neck, down by
the private lake. Eventually, Ginger has sex with
the French Maid, Rebecca Lord--a Lara Flynn Boyle
lookalike who should have taken her clothes off hours
ago. Evan watches Ginger go down on the maid (who
actually speaks French). Yes. The sweetest fruit is
the flower sucked from the anorexic cactus.
Ginger reluctantly returns
to her hubby. As she sages her fowl in the kitchen
and cries in her tub, she can't stop ruminating about
her abductor. Taken and stirred.
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