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This month's Pornos for Primates Online
includes a special Online-Only Feature:
PRIMATE
STUDIES
including downloadable video clips!
Raw;
VCA; Dir., Antonia Pasolini; Stars: Kylie Ireland, Joel
Lawrence, Anita Cannibal, Donita Dunes, Midori, Michael
J. Cox...
Hollywood
stiffs--who couldn't get work as extras on 90210--audition
for a cheesy Sci-Fi flick called "Extermino Man." Like all
rejected actors, they next seek work down on the local porno
farm pickin' pussy. Cut to the French maid fellating her
boss with a feather duster butt plug stickin' outa her ass.
Men in tuxes, Foster Grants and white gloves line up to
get their knobs polished. A bust of John F. Kennedy looks
on. The maid takes a hot come bath from the tux team.
Raw
offers all the standard scenes: casting couch, naughty nurse,
prison girl between-the-bars blowjob (with sweet 16 bar
Texas blues shuffle under). Along the way, the outa work
actor is transformed into a Dirk Diggler (Boogie Nights)--sans
coke habit and Mark Wahlberg's pecs. His new stardom inspires
a nightmare (dream come true?) featuring his fiance transformed
into a slutwife recipient of an all anal gangbang. No reasonable
cock refused. (Star Kylie Ireland told rex that scene took
over 4 hours to shoot and she didn't want it to end.)
Success
mutates our hero into a booze swilling, polyester and black
leather jacketed fellatio junkie. He finally meets a slut
that can swallow all of him. Crotchless white pantyhose
and AVN covers are the signposts of the hero's descent
into Dante's Inferno. He winds up in an S&M scene where
he's expected to sub for his fem-dom fiance. This career
move doesn't suit him. None the less, he sticks around to
watch--his eyes riveted on his no-more-wife-to-be sucking
dick. Choosing to watch for free when he could have been
paid to participate is his punishment. In the end, VCA publicist
and Raw star, Kylie Ireland, gets the leg up on the
last orgasm. Our hero can only swallow his shame. He winds
up as a clerk/jerk in a porno store, telling a customer,
"Yeah, I used to be somebody." Which reminds me of an old
Lily Tomlin line: "The more cynical I get, the harder it
is to keep up." Or, keep it up. Raw will rub you
the right way.
Personal Trainer
Sluts; VCA; Stars: Sana Fey, Kay Lynn, Cherry Mirage, Bridgette
Kerkove, Dave Hardman, Mr. Marcus...
A
personal trainer escort service helps guys keep their dicks
in shape (apparently, they don't have Vera Katz breathing
down their necks). Gym equipment and naked girls, this could
be good, if the girls looked like they ever got near a gym--except
for making this video. A colossal breasted blonde--the trainer
sluts' madam--treats
the audience like naughty little boys, telling us all to
"keep your hands off your cocks." I can't tell you how easy
that was. Dave Hardman shows up in his ubiquitous 80's haircut
for a sub male scene with a chubby piece of trainer trash.
Rex last saw Hardman in White Trash Whore 14, where
he was the one in charge. This scene shows off Hardman's
amazing range as a porno actor. Reluctantly, I exercise
my thumb on the FF button. Girl/girl scene four flies
by. At last, that German whore, Bridgette Kerkove, shows
up with two brothers who need a work out. I exercise my
thumb on the FF button, again!, slowing down to single
time. Bridgette fellates the brothers, betraying her Aryan
genes. The fourth Reich rises in her face as her mouth-for-a-cunt
conquers these proud soldiers. Bridgette doesn't even bother
with vaginal penetration, as the advancing African soldiers
go directly to jail and fuck her ass. As an after thought,
her pussy serves its only useful purpose: double black penetration.
 Shay's
World; Sin City; Dir., Devan Sapphire; Stars: Shay Sweet,
Envy, Jade Marcela, Amanda Rain...
Shay
Sweet gives her boyfriend a going away fuck--always a good
idea when you plan on cheating on him. She calls a fantasy
phone line where a guy in a serial killer style stocking
mask takes her request: to be abducted and forced to watch
depraved sex acts. Shay acts like she's ordering a pizza
with pepperoni. I swear, she's that good an actress. Shay--with
her silver lipstick, fake boobs and platinum hair--is one
valley girl who couldn't get a job at Taco Bell (TM). If
it wasn't for porn, she'd be suckin' dick for $20 on the
Strip. The publisher thinks she's hot, which explains why
this magazine is not. Anyway, back to our story. Somewhere
in scene three, I wake up long enough to notice the cigars,
cognac and cocksuck performed by another valley girl abducted
into porn because she couldn't make it as a welfare mom.
If they ever outlaw porn, the state of California will have
thousands of morons to support who formerly worked in front
and behind the camera. I can forgive the actors--going for
a slice of the California dream the only way they know how.
But the myriad shithead producers, driving their Porsches
into oblivion, who keep adult films below the level of Cheeze
Whiz (TM), should all be abducted, shot full of goofballs
and forced to watch their films with their eyes taped open.
Maybe then... Nah. There would just be a new wave of morons.
Porn producers are like cockroaches: there's always
ten more idiots waiting in the wings for each one you see.
Or, even the smallest dog can raise its leg up and make
its mark on the adult entertainment empire.
 Magnum
Love; VCA; Dir. Bob Chin (former director of many Johnny
Wadd movies); Stars: Billy Glide, Stacy Valentine, Chloe,
Sydney Steele... Special appearances: Laurie Holmes (widow
of the legendary John) and Veronica Hart
The
private dick gives a proper tongue lashing to his gal Friday,
who then takes dick-tation on his desk. She fellates him--Peter
Magnum, P.I.--while he's on the phone. Magnum comes on her
face, then has to run as he gets the call that his ex-girlfriend
has been murdered. In stunning flashback narrative, Magnum
reflects on his blind ex-girlfriend.
"The time I spent with her was the happiest moments of my
life. Sometimes she tried to push me away... scared that
she'd be a hindrance." You know, this is getting so good,
for a second I thought I was watching a pilot for a new,
hip generation P.I. drama. Cut to the murder scene. His
ex is now dead, in addition to being blind, found naked
next to a dumpster. Magnum investigates in spite of his
angst. The killer's got a .44, but Magnum does, too. God,
this is so bad it's getting good.
More flashbacks of Magnum pushing his blind girlfriend on
the swing as he loads his Dirty Harry sized gun. And that's
not the only big gun this private dick is packin'. Magnum
tries to pick up the trail of the crazed killer, taking
time out to have sex with every slut he questions. But the
killer's following Magnum, threatening any woman who once
knew his dead-ex. At one point, Magnum tells the killer
over the phone, "You better get out of there, buddy," as
the killer intimidates a blonde bimbo with his scarfaced
sneer. The threat of seeing Magnum in his charcoal silver
vinyl jacket and pants is enough to scare the killer away.
Magnum
goes to visit the gravel voiced Chloe. The '99 AVN
Awards' best actress doesn't have much to work with here
as she struggles to free Magnum's not-so-private dick from
his vinyl monkey suit. Magnum leaves Chloe cold; but that's
OK, because she always keeps a guy and a girl hiding in
her closet for just such occasions.
Magnum sniffs the trail down to the dyke bar. Slo-mo bar
fight ensues. Magnum pulls out his magnum as the old dyke
equalizer. Back at the office, he gets harassed by a feminist
private investigator--whose idol is Pam Grier. He shuts
her up with his dick. In the end, Magnum gets all the pussy
and the crazed killer, too. With more laughs than your average
sitcom, Magnum Love proves that while two wrongs
don't make a right, three lefts do. VCA should cut out the
sex scenes and offer Magnum to Fox as a new, one
hour P.I. comedy. As such, it would be better than David
E. Kelley's canceled Snoops.
SPECIAL
ONLINE-ONLY FEATURE - PRIMATE STUDIES
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