Marissa; Vivid;
Dir. Paul Thomas; Stars: Cassidey,
John Decker, Alec Metro, Lexington Steele, Dayton Rains,
Venus, Mia Smiles...
We open with John Decker enjoying the
sights up on the roof...which include the bare ass of
the blonde bimbo climbing the stairway to heaven above
him. Mia Smiles fellates and fucks Decker with the smog
swallowing the skyscape in the LA porno distance. I can
see why he took her up on the roof; bitch is loud. Decker
looks more like a white-trash crankhead every time I see
him. After he blows his wad, they climb down from the
roof and Decker gets decked by her boyfriend. But that's
okay because he's a famous--gold-records-on-the-wall--sax
player. Now retired. Then some alterna-chick, Marissa,
calls out of the blue to book Decker--who hasn't played
in ten years--at her jazz club in NYC. Director Paul Thomas
is going for that sensitive, art-house, porno, jazz groove.
Suddenly, I feel like I'm in a Kramski film before he
sold out to Hustler Video. Could there be a storyline/plot?
After all, the opening credits list a writer. Back at
Marissa's loft, her boyfriend sucks her shaved snatch
while she hangs from a cross beam. The poor, semi-retired
sax player can only listen and wait for his turn to show
the little art whore his Big League chops.
Day two; Marissa takes him around to the
usual sights: Papaya King, Washington Park, Stone bridge.
By nightfall she's become his agent and he's on a plane
back to Palookaville. Marissa is starting to drag out
like deadlines at Exotic. And waiting for the plot
to show up is more futile than waiting for President Bush
to become coherent. Wait, I get it: Marissa is
a serious, sensitive art-jazz film with... a great scene
where the Oriental masseuse gives dueling hand jobs to
the sax player and his agent. Talk about ambidextrous.
So they finally fuck and she hops on his
back afterwards like Julia Roberts and Richard Gere in
Pretty Woman (or is that Robert Redford and Jane
Fonda in The Electric Horseman?). They take long
showers together while the sax swoons under. They explore
the Kama Sutra and I am bored outta my freakin'
mind. Paul Thomas, you impotent colostomy bag. Shangri
La is over. They fight, then fuck...his thrusts getting
angrier. Suddenly, they say the "L" word and soil the
sheets some more. I'm sorry, but John Decker is not the
guy I want to watch in every scene throughout an agonizingly
long feature. Like listening to Kenny G., Marissa pretends
to soar while being stuck in every tired cliche. If you've
got two hours to kill waiting for the world to end, rent
Marissa. Otherwise, do something meaningful like
laundry.
Threshold Of Pain; Gotham
Gold; No director given; Stars:
Master Armondo, Angel, Sasha Sweet, Natasha
Having already reached my threshold
of pain watching the art-fag nonsense above, I need
to see someone get punished. So I plug in this little
male dom BDSM offering from Gotham. Lots of fishnet
body stockings and masters in leather pants with body-cling
lycra shirts. Some nice rope bondage, including suspension
with the rope drawn taut between her pussy lips while
hanging from the ceiling. Overall, the torture is too
tame for my tastes. I want to see some slut really suffer
after enduring Marissa. No such luck. Rent this
as a clinical study offering pointers in the BDSM arts.
"Summers takes it up the
ass with her Beverly Hills bouncing to the backdoor
beat."
Erotic Eye; VCA; Director;
Michael Danze; Stars: Krystal
Summers, Brianna Banks, Shay Sweet, Bobby Vitale, Randy
Spears...
Erotic Eye is a cheesecake mag
headed up by the statuesque blonde, Krystal Summers.
In the opening scene, a little twerp who barely comes
up to Summers' tits buries his hungry-for-fame face
in her Beverly Boob Job. And, what's more, Krystal's
blonde down there, too, with the sweetest looking pussy
lips this side of a ripe mango. The little guy, Bobby
Vitale, pops a big bad boner and Summers swallows most
of it. I'm impressed. Most natural blondes can't suck
dick for shit, like they're too blonde for it. Summers
takes it up the ass with her Beverly Hills bouncing
to the backdoor beat. She rubs her puffy pussy and poof...we're
back in the studio where each photograph serves as a
lens opening on another scene. This time Randy Spears
does the equally blonde
Brianna Banks, who looks a little nastier
but not as nice as Summers. Just as the second hump around
should. Erotic Eye is a reliable, no-brainer fuck
film with a stock scene set-up and a nasty new star, Summers,
who is worthy of your jism. I wouldn't pass on this if
it came on cable and I needed a quick release.
Lady Be Good; VCA; Director,
Wesley Emerson; Stars:
Cheri Mirage, Paige Sinclair, Shanna McCullough, Holly
Hollywood, Kyle Stone, Herschel Savage
Three's company as tight teens must have
sex now, out on the living room sofa, while mom and dad
are out of town. The girls are fresh and young, the pussies
are smooth and the white ankle socks stay on. How did
Frank miss this one when he pirated my promotional porno
stash? Every box that says "eighteen" or "barely legal"
has been tomb-raided of the video inside. Ahh, but this
one said "Lady" in the title, thus crossing up our esteemed
publisher who could never guess the tight young twat that
lurked inside.
Whoops. Mom and Dad walk in on their baby
girl taking it in the ass. Herschel Savage struggles in
the Dad role, while newcomer Cheri Mirage works fine as
the rich, bratty girl. Scene two's wasted on big sis in
her Victoria's Secret lingerie spreading her legs for
Kyle Stone's tongue. Nice money shot on her ass, though.
Little sis is out on the streets, over in my kinda 'hood,
where the escaped mental patients and the white-trash
meth rats battle for scraps in the gutters. She returns
home in time for breakfast served by the new servant she
hired right off the street. The homeless mental patient
to stiff butler is a bit of a stretch...but stretching
things out is important in porno films. So, the 'rents,
Shanna McCullough and Savage, have some granny sex, scene
three, keeping it all in the family. Meanwhile, the slut-for-an-older-sister
fucks a new guy every day but wears the same shoes. Continuity
direction at its finest. Big sis tries to frame the homeless-mental-patient-turned-butler
as a household thief, prompting little sis to suck his
dick outta mercy. The sweet little newcomer swallows most
of the big butler, easily outdoing her slut-for-an-older-sister.
All in all, the first and last scenes sorta jerk for me
while Lady Be Good falls down around the ankles
in between. And what, if anything, the title has to do
with, well, your guess is as good as mine.
Thanks to Kevin @ Taboo Video on MLK.
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