Page 35 - Exotic | February 2025

they’re cute nonetheless.
Just don’t go trying to claim parental rights and wave your adoption certificate at the facility, thinking you now own a dam- aged, artistic opossum. I’ll regret providing this information to you all if that happens, and you’ll make me very disappointed in you as a person.
Buy a Gift Certificate for Fancy Lingerie
No. Not for your benefit. This is for all my fine readers out there who are already counting down the days until hell comes back to the surface of your home and makes the temperatures out- side unbearable to be in. And if you are most people in the PNW, you do not have the luxury of central air being the default, so being inside can sometimes be just as bad. When it gets to that heat, you’re probably like me—suffering to get comfortable in your skin with your underwear on and maybe a bathing suit top. Just in case a pool comes out of nowhere—you’re ready to swim. Or maybe you turned your bath on and just have a tub of cold water you dip into throughout the day.
Having a selection of fancy lingerie to wear around the house while screaming expletives at the sun can make us feel a bit less spiteful about the whole thing. Kind of like you’re upper class but not upper class enough to have central air or a second home in Iceland. Just upper class enough to have a silk robe and matching undergarments. Wearing a 90-dollar bra while eating soup you’ve microwaved without heating up the house at all sounds like the finest luxury I’ll gladly afford.
DO NOT...
• Buy your significant other plants unless you plan on helping take care of said plant with them. Plants, much like live pigs, are a commitment, and on this day of our underlord, you’re trying to make this person’s life cute, easier, and maybe a bit sleazier. Plants are none of these.
• Do not buy a vacuum cleaner unless it’s for you to use.
• Do not buy ingredients for dinner unless you’re making the dinner.
• Do not make dinner unless you’re doing the dishes afterward.
• Do not buy a dozen roses and leave them in the bag without trimming them and putting them in a vase. That’s just lazy and annoying. Again, you want to give them less work, not a plastic bag to throw away and something to poke their delicate fingers on.
If you take just one of the previous ideas and follow the “DO NOT” section, your Valentine’s Day should go swimmingly. Maybe you’ll get lucky and never have to worry about getting a roach named after you. This is at least a step in that general direction. Good luck, and love big.
Hannah One Cup can be found trying on her fancy lingerie that she purchased with a gift certificate she was provided. She’s very much looking forward to yelling at the sun in it, while angrily drinking te- quila. For now, she’s very happy that it’s still cold outside and that there are still some who don’t make a big deal on such a stupid day.
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