Page 33 - Exotic | January 2025

Christmas came and went, and I have to say the theatrical offerings were woefully unerot- ic. I assumed Gladiator II would have at least one wankable orgy scene. Am I unreasonable for expecting Robert Egger’s turn at remak- ing Nosferatu would have more gratuitous nudity? Gone are the days of Caligula or even Francis Ford Coppola’s concerningly horny rendition of Dracula. What a terrible time to be a theater masturbator. Has the whole world gone prude? Nudity and fuck scenes are be- coming rarer and rarer in normie films. At this rate, I may have to start reviewing only French and Italian films to have anything resembling usable content for this magazine.
Then, I had a theory. Maybe, what with the high cost of making movies and the lack of theater attendance these days, every film with an official release has to make its money back. There’s no more room to roll the dice with even an R or—God forbid—NC-17 rating. Ev- erything has to appeal to everyone, and this new generation is pretty averse to anything sexual.
But what about streaming? See, with stream- ing, you have privacy, and everyone, in the privacy of their own home, loves to jerk off to naked celebrities. It seems like the perfect new avenue to deliver “artsy” movies with way more nudity and unsimulated sex scenes. I thought maybe Netflix and Hulu were the new havens for Mr. Skin content. It makes sense. No theatergoers to judge you or interrupt your wanking.
You can imagine how high my expectations were when I stumbled across one of Netflix’s top films of that week featuring Megan Fox as a sex robot—cough—sorry, robot maid, and it’s called Subservience!? After many a dis- appointing nudity-less trash in the theater, I thought I’d treat myself to finally getting to see Megan Fox naked!
SPOILERS AHEAD
She doesn’t get naked. Well. Sort of. You get to see some side-ass, but no crack. Yet another disappointing tease, just like that criminally mistitled Jennifer’s Body, where at no point in the film do you actually get to see Jennifer’s
Body!
isn’t much else to jerk it to in this film besides the idea of it. Such a wasted opportunity. The Transformer breakout star does have two lin- gerie outfits that definitely got my motor run- ning and one pretty gratuitous panty-clad crotch shot that I was grateful for. Still, nothing but side ass and your imagination to go on.
I was certain that this would finally be Miss Fox’s nude debut that we’ve all so patiently waited for. Just like ScarJo, they all eventually crack for some good, “artsy” script. I still re- member it like it was yesterday when I heard the news on various forums. ScarJo finally gets naked! I grabbed my favorite brand of lube and my special handkerchief engraved with my initials before running traffic lights to the theater. What a glorious day that was. Worth the wait. And the citation.
Now, I suppose I had no reason to expect Ma- chine Gun Kelly’s on-and-off-again girlfriend would finally bare all as I hit play without so much as glancing at the IMDB parental guide. This was wishful thinking on my part, but sometimes it’s good to be surprised.
And to be fair, this wasn’t a complete waste of time because the concept is definitely boner- inducing, and the entire plot is just loaded with sexual tension. I mean, it’s basically the classic caper of the husband fucking the help while the wife is away. Only this time, the help is a robot—with a working vagina for some reason.
Although the PG-13 fuck scene was still pretty hot, I kept getting distracted thinking about why the hell a nanny robot would come with a fully functioning, lubricated hoo-hah. I mean, I guess it makes sense. If you’re going to make a personal assistant android that is supposed to meet your every need and also make it look like Megan Fucking Fox, your clearly going to give it a fuckable cunt. I would honestly ask for a refund if I wasn’t able to fuck my Megan Fox Maid Robot.
That one bathroom bang scene aside, there
There was one more bang scene with the oth- er actress who wasn’t Megan Fox, and I want someone else to watch this film and confirm it for me, but I swear to god they airbrushed out her nipples! There are definitely some tits that flop in and out of the shot, and while the light- ing is pretty dark, I know that there should be some nipple with that much of the boob showing. Either a combo of the dark lighting and the most transparent ghost nipples made them invisible, or Netflix is now a victim of modern cinema’s prudification! Does anyone else remember nipples on the Navi girl’s fuck scene in Avatar? I do, and I swear to shit, they airbrushed those out on the version on Dis- ney+.
How much longer will we endure this oppres- sion by the horny police?!
2/5 eggplants
Ian Sellwood is a voice actor, comedian and certified Sigma Male from Lake Oswego. He frequently contributes content to Mr. Skin and is highly active on 4chan. He can be reached at iancel@xmag.com
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