Page 34 - Exotic | April 2025

What $350K can get you in the Pacific Northwest (Seattle and Portland edi- tion)!
For the past year, I’ve grown wary of having to share living quarters with people. I’ve been better as a solitary person anyway...when you try coax- ing me into a house with you as a friend by saying things like, “It’s a big house; you’ll have your own space!” I know that’s bullshit because you’ll have more of a chance to bother me that day, and I just want to be left in peace and have the ability to choose when to be bothered by you.
I also don’t like sharing yards or walls. I’m not a hermit—I swear. I just don’t want to hear my downstairs neigh- bor’s dog(s) bark on repeat every day anytime someone walks up. The mail- man now throws my packages at the door because he doesn’t want to cause the dog to make a ruckus. Which then lets him and I share a wave through my second-story window. Like I’m be- ing kept prisoner, and he’s waiting for the signal to bail me out.
Life sharing space with people is hell for me. And with 4.3 million people in Oregon and nearly 8 million in Washington, finding real estate that doesn’t require you to share a wall is hard to come by and not cheap. With that, I thought I’d go into what $350K can afford a person nowadays if you’re like me and want a stand-alone, sin- gle-family house. That’s (apparently) about what my partner and I can af-
ford and what I am hoping to get. We plan on buying very, very...very soon. I’m dying here. On with the shack show...
For a smooth $499K, you have the luxury of owning this structure with no value whatsoever. The value is all in the 9,600 sq ft lot! It was extremely misleading for the agent to list this as 1,587 sq ft and 4 bed 3 bath...who does that?!
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Starting the shack count in Seattle... for a cool $250K, you can be the proud owner of this adorable houseboat. I’d honestly call this more of a boat with a bed than an actual houseboat, but the description says that the layout “really packs a punch,” so maybe I shouldn’t judge a book by its cover. It brags about a flat rooftop, which may or may not also be included in its 450 square feet of living space. Come see it today before she’s sailed off by some other lucky sailor!
Ugh, guys, I feel bad about saying this, but even after checking all of the “home types” on Zillow in Seattle and going to several other property sites, I realized there were literally no stand- alone homes at this price. A carport costs $65K in Belltown. So I raised the budget up to $500K [insert large vomit noise]. With that, it raised my options a pube hair...
Now, don’t get too discouraged—it gets worse before it gets better. I’m just not sure when or if it will get bet- ter sooner or later...
$480K in Seattle will also buy you this charming 1,200 sq ft single-family bungalow. Don’t let the outside fool you, it’s worse inside. Kind of like peo- ple. Actually...it’s a great analogy for a city. Ugly on the outside and ugly on the inside. At least you always know what you’re getting.