Page 34 - Exotic | February 2025

For many, February is the month when all the labrador significant others clamor together to make a big to-do about one day. Unfor- tunately, this isn’t Groundhog Day, which is February 2nd, by the way. Much like Christ- mas and a person’s birthday, Valentine’s Day is typically one of those holidays you feel the pressure to perform for some reason. It isn’t enough to tell that special someone that you love them every day and perhaps shower them with affection and gifts of pancakes and whisky once in a while as you serenade them to sleep with your perfectly off-tune rendition of an Oasis song—no...you must outdo everything you’ve done thus far, and pull out all the stops. Go hog wild, so to speak.
But what do you do when you can’t possi- bly come up with any unique ideas to outdo what you’ve already seen as “the most you can come up with?” Fear not, for I, the Mag- nificent Matchmaker in Hell, have come to help save this possibly ruinous occasion.
beast who’s named after Dolly Parton. My grandmother hates this, so I keep doing it. My family just happens to have great dog names; I can’t help it. So, taking this to the other extreme and naming an ex after some- thing that most think of as vile is just won- derful. Even though I think cockroaches were most likely more beneficial to your life than the individual you named it after. Joe lives on in the Bronx Zoo, somewhere in a cage being looked at by slimy children.
recipient open the door to a brand new pig named Herbert, who has a love letter tied with a bow around his neck, asking, “Will you be mine?” And had also been carrying a gin- gerbread heart-shaped cookie until he ate it in the 39 seconds it took for you to get to the door. “Sandra, oh Sandra, words cannot describe my love for thee, so I bought you this pig to do what I could not. Won’t you be mine?”
I think the delivery service would be called “Ginger Pigs – gifting love pigs and ginger- bread to that special someone.”
Naming a Roach After Your Ex
Now, this one is really more useful for all those single folk out there who could really care less about this stupid holiday and just want to do something worth snickering about later on. There are several zoos in the US (The Bronx Zoo, Chicago’s Brookfield Zoo, and San Antonio Zoo, to name a few) that al- low you to name a cockroach after your ex for a nominal donation, upon which you receive a certificate commemorating the naming of the cockroach. “Joe the Roach.” It’s probably something you called them before, anyway.
I feel that naming an animal after a person is a great tradition to get into. For instance, all of my dogs are named after family mem- bers, aside from one adopted four-legged
Give Them a Pig and Some Cookies
A German tradition if I ever heard one. Pigs are considered good luck in several coun- tries, Germany being the current subject. So why not go full-on Deutsch, and gift your sig- nificant other a pig? Whether you choose to gift them a real, living-alive pig or something with less of a commitment is up to you and how you think that will play out at the end of the day. You also can’t forget the ginger- bread. You can’t possibly give your Valentine a pig without providing them with a ginger- bread shaped into a heart as well. That’s like gifting someone a picture of a hundred-dol- lar bill...just...why?
I like to picture a Valentine’s delivery ser- vice pulling up to some lucky duck’s house, knocking on the door of the recipient, and leaving before they answer. Just to have the
Adopt an Opossum
No, don’t go trying to get an opossum deliv- ered to you from Florida or try finding one out in the wild. Instead, give that stupid money to a rescue sanctuary for damaged animals. WildlifeChicBoutique on Etsy will provide you with several hard-copy photo- graphs of an opossum you are assisting with, giving enrichment toys and supplies with your donation. They also provide you with a painting done by that opossum. Apparently, opossums like painting. You also get a certifi- cate stating you “adopted” this opossum. It’s cute. I did it for a friend once, and no one was upset about it. The facility also has a myriad of other cute animals they’ve rescued, which you are more than welcome to adopt and get photos and certificates for, like raccoons and hedgehogs. I’m unclear if these two like dis- playing their artier side like the opossum, but
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