Page 38 - Exotic | March 2025

This review was supposed to be for Compan- ion. I had the Word doc set up. I made sure I had a fresh tube of lube and a new box of unscented tissues on my way to the theater. After being rudely cock teased by the Megan Fox caper on Netflix, I was beyond excited to see a proper robot sex slave flick in theaters. Even more so, to finally see Sophie Thatcher’s fat titties flop around. Spoiler alert, all you get is some side boob! I was furious. Dick in hand for an hour and a half. Just a bunch of blood and guts and, like, social commentary or some such horseshit. I never walked out of a theater so fast...as soon as the credits rolled. I started writing a piece about how dumb and disappointing this film was and how there needs to be some maverick in Hollywood who’s willing to do a proper robot sex slave movie, ideally, with some young actress we haven’t seen naked yet. But I couldn’t make it to a thousand words and scrapped the idea and went to bed...blue-balled and grumpy.
The next day, I was scrolling through the ce- lebrity section of Pornhub, trying to console myself, and got bored. It’s just not the same when it’s not in the theater...with other peo- ple. I went on my usual forums and noticed a lot of noise being made about this new, long movie that was supposed to be reminiscent of big, bloated, auteur movies from the ‘70s. I figured I’d see it so I could pwn all the fem- inazis bemoaning a return to straight white men manspreading their genius in theaters. I live off disability, so I had 4 hours to kill. Then, wouldn’t you know it? I had some material for my Exotic piece! Thank you, straight white male filmmaker with delusions of grandeur! You know what we want to see on the big screen. Tits and ass and bush and fucking!
SPOILERS AHEAD
I don’t know anything about World War II, Brutalism, architecture in general, Hungary, or postwar European immigration in the States. This movie was long as all hell and seemed to be mostly about those things. For a second, I thought I was watching the wrong movie since I swear to God I saw Adrian Brody in some other movie about WWII, where he had a funny European accent. I didn’t bring
my lube or tissues, but this time, I brought a notebook to take down any points I could use to show how this film was far better than any trash Greta Gerwig has made. But then the camera looms on some juicy mid-centu- ry whore leaning in front of a cathouse for a spell longer than I was expecting. There’s no way, I thought. I figured this movie was go- ing to be lots of talking and long shots of buildings or some shit. And then, next thing I know, Adrian Brody’s flaccid wang (or wang prosthetic, most likely) is getting jerked off by said juicy mid-century whore! Sadly, it looked like some naked fun time was happening in the background, but it was all blurred out. Points off, but it was the thought that counts. I was so taken aback and felt woefully unpre- pared since I didn’t bring my lube or tissues. I decided to start taking notes for this piece and turn on my phone to film whatever I could to upload to Mr. Skin later.
The handjob was graphic, without being graphic. I think you get a glimpse of head (or prosthetic head), but the whore’s hands are covering most of it. Still, it’s the setting that’s hot. I can’t stress enough how much better it would be if we could see what the hell was going on in the background. We see the fuzzy outline of what looks like some great, big tits, but sadly, that’s it. Maybe there’ll be a 6-hour director’s cut where this whorehouse scene is fleshed out more.
What follows is a whole bunch of talking and buildings. I nearly got bored and left until our main character went to an old-school porno theater, and we got an eyeful of silent film smut! Finally, some in-focus titties. Nice ones, too. And bush. And somewhat graphic fuck- ing. It didn’t last quite long enough to get a good nut, but so far, about a hundred per- cent more jerk material than both robot sex slave movies I wasted my time with.
There’s another off-screen handjob and a fairly graphic fuck scene. We get to see Felic- ity Jones’s bush (or merkin), and there’s some choking stuff.
All to say, I was pleasantly surprised by this movie that’s pissing a lot of people off, be-
cause it’s long. Unfortunately, I gotta give it a pretty low score since the ratio of nudity to talking and buildings is abysmally low. But the good bits are good. And it made me ap- preciate what this young whippersnapper, Brady Corbet, is doing. See, another thing about those ‘70s straight white male genius movies is they had a lot of tits and fucking in ‘em. ‘Cause that’s what straight white dudes like to see. Can’t have an obnoxiously long historical epic without a gratuitous fuck scene or two! It wasn’t perfect, but it’s a start. And it definitely made up for all the time I wasted watching these robot sex slave mov- ies without any sex.
2/5 eggplants
Ian Sellwood is a voice actor, comedian and certified Sigma Male from Lake Oswego. He frequently contributes content to Mr. Skin and is highly active on 4chan. He can be reached at iancel@xmag.com
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