Page 38 - Exotic | January 2025

Happy New Year! 2025 is upon us, and a lot has happened since we last spoke. And by spoke, I mean me speaking and you listening. As I write this, they just caught the e-bike riding, bullet- engraving, sweet-smiling, beautiful bastard that took out the CEO of one of the biggest health in- surance companies in America. Things will prob- ably change by the time this comes out, but my money is on Luigi Mangione being a patsy (his cousin is an active Republican party member). If he does turn out to be the guy, don’t expect me to write a correction. We don’t do that here at Exotic.
As you can imagine, the Editor is probably not gonna be okay with me condoning a targeted assassination in response to unethical business practices that have inarguably caused countless financial ruin and deaths, so this article isn’t gon- na be about that.
However, Luigi’s manhunt did get me thinking about whether or not a single, specific act of vio- lence would do anything to solve the absolutely hopeless dumpster fire that is the music busi- ness, especially for folks on the bottom. Spotify is directly responsible for working musicians not being able to carve out even a meager living un- less they’re massive superstars. Viking Marauder Daniel Ek makes more money than any musician on the planet, including Taylor Swift and Paul Mc- Cartney. He has been on the record saying that the “cost of creating content” is “close to zero.” On top of the unforgivable sin of referring to music as fucking content, the vapid Swede clearly has never been in a recording studio. Or bought an instrument, for that matter.
Instead, I figured this would be a good brain- storming opportunity to find other ways to wres- tle the market in some creative way, to make sure all working musicians are at least given a living wage. Besides, while the long-term effects of a health insurance CEO’s no-scope headshot aren’t apparent yet, it’s not a slam-dunk guarantee that United Healthcare, or any of these other preda- tory companies, are finally going to act with any- thing resembling ethics.
Also, as a full disclosure, I use Spotify. Mostly for podcasts. I listen to music on it, too, but I spend far more monthly on records, band shirts, local shows, not-so-local shows, and even CDs so I can sleep at night. I am also a sucker for convenience. I get it. But that doesn’t change the fact that Spoti- fy is a giant, monstrous problem that keeps musi- cians who aren’t Ariana Grande from paying rent.
This may be my six years of shitty office job lingo talking, but instead of trying to eliminate the gi- ant, monstrous problem by cutting off its head, let’s synergize and solutionize.
Get an OnlyFans
Granted, this only goes for you femme-presenting readers, of which there are maybe two or three of this magazine. Do not create an OnlyFans if you’re just some average dude. You need at least an 8-inch cock and a heavy rotation of paramours, or you will literally make zero dollars. If you are, how- ever, assigned female at birth and at least conven- tionally attractive, you’d be surprised how much you can net with a minimal amount of hustle. It’s not ideal if you don’t want to cross-contaminate your music audience and your sex work audience, but if that doesn’t bother you, it’s a hell of a lot better way to pay rent than to work at a bar where you’ll be sexually harassed anyway. You’ll also make more money than other bullshit “flexible” gig economy scams, like Uber or DoorDash
Sell Drugs
This one works for any gender. Plus, you will be greatly contributing to your local musician com- munity and providing an essential service. Not only does every musician in your local scene need
drugs, but also every music enjoyer—and hell, the bartenders that keep them drunk and the strip- pers that keep them happy. Demand is infinite, and you can always find supply. Similar to having an OnlyFans, you can make your own schedule, and as long as you’re not an addict yourself, you’ll be able to stack cash fast and save up for going on tour. Now, this line of work can be dangerous, so just be sure to always pay up and re-up on time, and never short your connection. Or you’ll die.
Exploit Other Musicians
Something I’ve noticed over the decades I’ve spent in local music scenes is that the folks who are making the most money are the ones selling their products to musicians. It’s like in the Gold Rush of 18-whatever—any gold rush for that mat- ter. It’s the people that sold shovels, whiskey, and pussy that made the real money. Sure, one or two prospectors struck it rich, but really, it was the sav- vy business folks who sold the items to the pros- pectors who made out like bandits. Does this all sound familiar? Well, prospector, rather than dig away for gold that isn’t there, start selling shovels to the poor saps who haven’t figured it out yet! People who are most likely to spend money in the music scene are the ones trying to make it. Learn how to run a soundboard. Intern in a studio. Be- come a photographer. Become a graphic design- er. Hell, say you’re a social media marketing spe- cialist or some made-up horseshit. Start funding your music dream but charging others for theirs. Day job eliminated.
Have Rich Parents
This is really the only way you’re going to make it in the industry. The thing you need more than anything is time. And since time is money, you ba- sically need free money. The only way you’re gon- na get free money that doesn’t involve a massive settlement from getting hit by an Amazon truck or whatnot is to have a white-collar criminal as a father. I’m pretty sure I told this story before, but Lady Gaga’s dad paid her rent in Manhattan for a full year (possibly more, but I haven’t researched or confirmed) while she was making connections, taking opportunities, and building her brand. You can’t do this unless you have all your time to yourself to jump on that opening slot for a major artist’s international tour or fly to LA for that meet- ing with some record executive that you can only hope isn’t a casting couch rapist. Your parents don’t necessarily have to be rich if you can con- vince them to let you live with them rent-free, but arrangements might be hard to maintain—espe- cially if you’re selling drugs and snatch from your bedroom.
All these facts aside, I’m still not going to con- done someone seeking out and hunting Mr. Ek for sport...mostly because the last thing I want is a printed paper trail that leads right to me.
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