Page 20 - Exotic | May 2024

There are plenty of hit pieces, TikToks, pam- phlets, gaudy biopics, poorly-written autobi- ographies, poorly-written biographies, and after-school specials about the dangers of drug and alcohol use and how they derailed the careers of otherwise upstanding and good-natured musicians. We’re all well aware of how they were the pinnacle of virtue and inspiration, and then after one sip of booze or one snort of blow, it was straight to the gut- ter, in a bum’s outfit with alimony bills stuffed in their pockets. We don’t need to waste any more words on those cautionary tales, espe- cially not in a magazine that mostly consists of naked women that you’re reading in a bar.
stars gave in to the ghastly throws of decid- ing not to take the tour bus out of Iowa. It’s heart-breaking to know that Buddy Holly himself chartered the flight. Behind those innocent-looking horn-rimmed glasses were the eyes of an addict. And it cost him, two of the biggest musicians of their time, and a pilot (whose name I can’t remember) to lose their lives. Think about that next time you put on “Peggy Sue.” Even the squeakiest-clean rock legends weren’t immune to the lure of the skies.
John Denver
The only thing worse than getting someone else to fly your death trap is flying one your- self! Can you believe that some musicians are so flagrant in their air travel that they go out of their way to learn how to fly themselves? The hubris. The only thing more shameful than this blatant air travel abuse is an adult animated show making light of it less than three years later. Unlicensed, homebrewed piloting isn’t a joke, South Park!
Aaliyah
Three banger albums, two questionably de- cent starring film roles, and all of it gone after deciding to force the pilot to take off, even though the plane was overloaded and un- safe to fly. Nothing is so tragic and unsightly as watching a fiend jonesing for a fix. Sadly, the pilot relented to the addict’s demand and took off in the overloaded plane, killing not only the world-class singer and actress but also himself...in a fiery inferno! An important lesson on the dangers of being an enabler, as well. It can cost you your life, too!
Stevie Ray Vaughn
I’m sure it looked so cool when the cats at Woodstock did it. Flying over the dirty, un- washed hippies stuck in traffic, trying to break through the fence to get into the fes- tival for free, like the cheap, lazy bums they always were. Watching Santana and Sly hop off those helicopters straight onto the stage. I don’t blame young Stevie for being seduced by the thrill of riding that whirlybird. But look where it got him. Dead! That’s where! It always looks cooler in the movies. Nobody shows you the ugly side of helicopter rides.
A Significant Portion of Lynyrd Skynyrd
If ever there was a cautionary tale about the dangers of air travel, it’s this: If you’re go- ing to insist in partaking in the black magic that is making humans fly against God’s will, definitely don’t also release an album called “Street Survivors,” where your band is stand- ing amongst flaming wreckage. It’s all fun and games until someone actually goes down in flames.
What I will spend these pages grandstand- ing about is the dangers of air travel! Nobody talks about the health risks and addictive na- ture of private jets! Wake up, sheeple! I’m sick and tired of these stories of tragedy being buried in lieu of sexier, sensationalist stories of heroin overdoses and alcohol poisoning. We need to address the real monster in the room—the real temptress of all successful artists. The power to defy gravity, beat traf- fic, and soar like a God above the peasants below! Not even once, young aspirants! Air travel only leads to death! Just look at these fine stars, who were full of potential and cut down in their prime.
Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens, and The Big Bopper
Starting with the obvious one here. The first and likely most prolific example of air travel madness came early in the history of pop music (and air travel, for that matter.) In 1959, all three of these massively influential pop
Randy Rhoads
If post-Sabbath Ozzy and shredtastic guitar is your thing, this one probably hit you pretty hard. It’s hard to disagree that Ozzy’s best solo output was with—and most likely due to—the input and inclusion of this mostly sober little whipper-snapper. But while this tiny guitar tapper avoided the more famous vices of musicians, he gave in to that same si- lent killer that took out Buddy Holly, The Big Bopper, and Ritchie Valens. The Beechcraft Bonanza! (Seriously, look it up. Same fucking airplane! Will these reckless rock stars never learn?!)
They won’t. But you can, dear reader! Just like Reefer Madness successfully dissuaded an en- tire generation from using the devil’s lettuce in 1936, and its use is practically unheard of now, I hope this article (that you can get for free in a strip club) will save all you poor, lusty souls from dabbling in air travel. How Led Zeppelin spent a good chunk of the ‘70s in a Boeing 720 fitted with a fully-stocked bar, an electric organ, a TV, several couches, a sex room and survived God’s punishment is beyond me. But they are the exception, not the rule. The above-listed and many others are the more common and unsexy inevitable destination of the devil’s road through the air. Quit while you still have the chance, Tay- lor Swift! Abstinence is the only way!
2
2
2
2
2
0
0
0
0
0
e
e
e
e
e
x
x
x
x
x
o
o
o
o
o
t
t
t
t
t
i
i
i
i
i
c
c
c
c
c
m
m
m
m
m
a
a
a
a
a
g
g
g
g
g
a
a
a
a
a
z
z
z
z
z
i
i
i
i
i
n
n
n
n
n
e
e
e
e
e
|
|
|
|
|
x
x
x
x
x
m
m
m
m
m
a
a
a
a
a
g
g
g
g
g
.
.
.
.
.
c
c
c
c
c
o
o
o
o
o
m
m
m
m
m