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The Splendor Of Hell;
Pirate Video
Deluxe # 14,
 Private
Video; Dir., Kovi; Stars: Monique Covet, Christina,
Rita Faltoyand, Anita Paris...
Splendor opens in a meat locker
where cold stiff carcasses hang as backdrop for the
three Riot Grrrls goin' down on three meat packers.
Monique Covet leads the way as the ringleader of these
hungry sex kittens. Carni-whores. Kneeling on the cold
tile, they must ingest meat now. Special moment: Monique
jerks off some dark meat into the mouth of a hungry
kitty (starved for manmeat) with her white Platex (tm)
gloved hand. Covet looks like Brigitte Bardot with a
boob job. Roger Vadim, eat your heart out. The bad kitties'
ultra smooth, labia-pierced pussy gets stretched from
here to hell by unsheathed turgid manfuck. Their natty-dread
bleached blonde hair--like they've been sleepin' out
in the alley all night--looks like it's been matted
with dried cum. One guy wears what looks like an ornamental
pig carcass draped over his shoulder while he performs
a bad kitty tonsilectomy with his mantool. Boots, bustiers,
thigh-highs and latex should look silly in a slaughterhouse.
But director Kovi's clever costuming, lighting and set
design give Splendor an Andrew-Blake-on-crack
feel that jerks for me.
At one point in the unsane proceedings,
a bad kitty gets hung by the heels upside-down like
a side of meat. Her head's swaying just high enough
off the cold hard concrete floor to fellate the proud
fella who's worshiping her captive legs. Next up, bad
kitties in cages as ringleader Covet makes the male
beast lie atop the lioness cage so his swollen member
can be thrust into the carnivorous mouth below. Bad
kitty. Eat this...caged heat continues with the wild
things getting fucked sideways in, out and on top of
their cages. Zesty!
Scene three plays out in the futuristic
ruins of some industrial wasteland. Crumbling concrete
warehouses give way to soft flesh that must yield to
the advancing engines giving up their grease on the
dirt floor. Exploding fires light up the animal mechanical.
Director Kovi, who brought us Hell's Belles,
delivers the goods again in this mad meatcapade. And
you'll never see this whacked-out shit on cable.
Vegas Or Bust;
Wicked Pictures; Dir., Brad Armstrong; Stars: Devinn
Lane, Inari Vachs, Miko Lee, Brittany Andrews, Mark
Davis, Vince Voyeur...
This stunning film opens with two
showgirls twirling in slo-mo to bad 80s music in front
of the Big Six Wheel--the biggest ripoff table game
on the floor of any casino. Which indicates where
this thing is headed. The "showgirls" slip their fake
tits out of their sequined bras and get into some
serious tonguing of each other's gold-glittered pussies.
Amazingly enough, their rhinestone and feather headdresses
never move an inch. Pink glove's inserted into Devinn's
silky smooth showgirl snatch. Even the vibrator's
pink and wears a rhinestone collar at the base--makes
it easier to grip with those slick satin gloves. At
least the Paul Verhoeven debacle, Showgirls, had
the bad acting of Elizabeth Berkley and the worse
script by Joe Eszterhas. Here we have the clever ploy
of starting out with the girl/girl-anal-dildo-penetration
scene first. Devinn has the most surgically enhanced,
tanned blonde Barbie body I've seen in a while. Luckily
for us, an idiot narrates between scenes:
"At one point
in the unsane proceedings, a bad kitty gets hung by
the heels upside-down like a side of meat."
"Clocks, windows and time aren't important,
but gambling is. They just want you to play, play,
play..." Devinn switches from showgirl to croupier
for scene two at the roulette table. Mark Davis mounts
Devinn from the rear on the layout. Gee, it would
be nice to fuck the dealer every once in awhile instead
of getting fucked by the dealer. So, now that we've
covered the wheel games--Big Six and roulette--we
move onto the count room. Inari Vachs counts the cocks,
one at a time, making their nightly drops.
The cigarette girl offers cigars and
more out on the slots' floor. Great smoker scene as
her painted oval mouth lights a fat cigar and spews
sumptuous smoke from her thick lips. Only part of
this movie I liked. Just like my granddaddy used to
say, "There's nothing like a fine cigar, fetish heels
and the whirring sights and sounds of a slot machine."
Played my first slot machine when I was seven--an
antique, mechanical nickel slot machine down in gramps'
basement. It's in my blood. Watching a cigar-smoking
slut wearing nine-inch heels sodomize herself on a
slot machine stool, and reviewing that for you, dear
smut fan, came later.
Vegas or Bust is really an
educational film about the actual goings-on in Las
Vegas. Coming to your adult pay-per-view soon, no
doubt. But watch out. Towards the end, this video
offers up the notion that you can pick an escort number
out of the Las Vegas Yellow Pages and get laid. Prostitution
is illegal in Clark County! But if you drive down
the road to the Cherry Patch Ranch, on the way to
Pahrump over in Nye county, sex is for sale. There's
even a limo service to and from The Ranch. Vegas
or Bust? I think we could file this one under
the "Bust" category.
 Dirty
Movies; Sin City; Dir., Michael
Raven; Stars: Jessica Drake, Terri Summers, Heven, Shawna
Sexton, Evan Stone, George Kaplan
Jessica Drake narrates how her love
of dirty movies led her to purchase a video camera and
become a pornographer herself. Drake, who is now a contract
whore with Sin City, is a cute little long-haired fuck
toy. So far, her talents are wasted here, holding the
camera and watching the action with her clothes on.
Rendered in wide-screen format, one must wonder, why
the arthouse stylings?, when this is supposed to be
the amateur efforts of fledgling pornographer Drake.
But then, nothing about Michael Raven's films ever make
sense. One must ask if Raven's parents are related.
And why, for God's sake, does Jessica still have her
clothes on fifteen fucking minutes into this thing--according
to the obnoxious TCR graphic counting out the running
time in one-hundredths of a second. Hey, I've got news
for you, Sin City: There's no way I could ever sell
this shit to anyone. Eighteen minutes into this thing
and we finally get the facial for the pathetic opening
scene--and Drake still has her clothes on. I'm outta
here.
Little Bad Czechs Grad Night;
Sinister Video, Sin City; Dir., Alex Ladd; Stars: Ripley,
Angela and guys who like to fuck bad Czechs.
In their opening credits, they spell
Sinister, their company name, SINESTER, in huge bold
letters filling the screen. Bad sign. I guess these
bad Czechs didn't graduate after all. The sound is
so bad, I can't hear a thing the first bad Czech,
Ripley, is saying by way of introduction. Oh well,
so much for the up-close-and-personal moment before
she gets gangbanged. Apparently, Ripley majored in
cocksucking at her community college as she manages
to suck off four at the same time. Eventually, the
post-graduate studies begin and they fuck that skinny
brown-skinned girl on that annoying wicker furniture
surrounding the pool. I didn't realize they had indoor
plumbing over there, let alone swimming pools. They
all moan in Czech, which sounds just like our moaning
except with a distinct, Eastern European accent. Thus
"Ohh," becomes "Ohahh, ohahh," and "mmm" translates
into "ehmmm." Today I learned about girls moaning
in Czech. They say you should try and learn something
new every day...Now if the producers over at Sin City
could learn how to spell, then maybe they could make
a literate porno movie. I tell ya, from the White
house to the whore house (and the strip clubs out
in St. Johns), it's the idiot fucks runnin' the show.
For those of you who have graduated grade school,
I suggest you pass on this examination of Czech sex.
Thanks to Taboo Video for supplying
videos.
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