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Shit that comes in the mail. DEPRAVED FANTASIES # 6
In the future, aliens conduct experiments on the orgasmic state of mind in earthlings. Wilhelm Reich introduced the hypothesis long ago that the human orgasm releases positive orgone energy–part of the life force and the ether which forms the wave-icle tissue of the space-time continuum. In Zane’s Fantasies, a bruised techno/rave soundtrack serves up sexual experimentation on a cheezy set that looks like a low budget Brazil. So far, so good. Two blond bimbos and a guy–wearing latex gloves and nothing else–get the experiments going on a gurney. Everyone sweats a lot. In the future, there are no fans on the sets of porn films. Heat makes balls hang low. One bimbo takes oxygen while the other takes dick. Finally, the orgone energy is released; the man appears to have an epileptic fit and dies. Out comes the techno/rave hits of 1990 for another side splitting scene. Black security guards catch a genetically inferior half breed (she looks very Aryan to me) playing with the scrap-heap computers they rounded up for props in this video. They punish her with dick for daring to act like she’s accessing the main frame. (Access denied!) On second thought, she definitely looks like there’s no Intel inside (or anything else); but she proves to be a worthy fuck toy. Her mindless whimpering in the throes of double fudge penetration sounds like the smack was good that day. And two more bite the dust as their orgone energy is released. If only I could die that way so I don’t have to come back each month and watch these things, but noooooo. A triple girl scene with strap-on penetration follows–as the 1990 techno hits rage on. The strap-on dick is cut in half while Christina Angel is sucking it. But that’s OK; there’s never any shortage of dildos on the set of any respectable porno film. Techno gang bang follows the rose colored dildo in Angel’s ass. Christina takes massive unsheathed cock in her ass. Gives gape. All comers promptly expire post orgasm. In spite of the missing fifth scene–de rigeur in feature porn–Fantasies is an all ‘round solid smut fest sure to satisfy the aliens’ experimentation with human orgone energy. Rave on.
POSSESSION
Lasse Braun makes couples-oriented cupcake porn for Sin City. That’s nice. Possession (spelled "Possesions" on the promotional cassette) is his latest offering guaranteed to put your average couple in a coma. There’s dialogue like, “Ooh fuck me. Fuck me slow and deep,” moaned by the flatulent man who looks like every other tadpole trying to look cool driving a Buick. Braun’s dialogue comes straight out of the can as his sex scenes stick like stale come to elegant Valley interiors. Some day–like the day I’m in jail for income tax evasion–I might be grateful for Lasse Braun Videos. In the meantime, I’d rather watch Access Hollywood or paint dry than suffer through another one. In Braun’s films they say words like cunt, pussy, and fuck like they’re being really dirty and getting out of control. And why is it in feature porn that the third scene is always girl/girl? Who makes up these rules? I’ve been assured, by an insider at Sin City, that there is actually a market for films like Possession. It’s called double x–a softer shade of hardcore with no anal, no tight close-ups of fucking or sucking and no external cum shots. A new adult cable channel will be bringing films like Possession to your living room soon. If you can’t wait, then rent Possession if there’s no vacancies at any of the hells in your mind.
CHERRY POPPERS/THE COLLEGE YEARS #10
Some guy in a butt rocker haircut picks up a goulash babe on campus–the dialogue barely audible above the squeak of the leather love seat. Wait a second! A butt rocker with a leather love seat and mint green interiors?! So much for suspension of disbelief. But the Cherry Poppers series is about girls doing their first anal on video. The way Ursula sits right down on his dick, it looks like she’s been getting ass fucked since she was twelve. Meanwhile, the butt rocker, who doesn’t look a day under thirty-five, shows us what he learned in his GED class: “Keep your pecker hard and your powder dry and the world will turn, baby.” The actors change but the white leather love seat and underskirt, white cotton panties remain the same for scene two. The luscious and exotic Sabrina moans, “Oh Jesus,” with dick in her ass like this lover I had who went to Catholic schools in NYC. Except Sabrina says, “Oh Jesus,” with a French accent. We are guaranteed gape near the end of each scene. There’s nothing like a pretty, fresh, innocent looking girl giving gape while she moans “I’m an anal slut.” Yeah baby. The nut buster comes in scene three where the little blonde Regan gets crammed in her tiny ass tighter than an alley cat. It looks like it’s her first time ass fuck as she gives a credible performance acting like her moans are coming from pleasure rather than pain. She’s a tight spinner. All four girls are young and pretty with little tits and a fresh faced approach; unfortunately, the guys look like they should have graduated from college over ten years ago. Solid smutfest of pretty girls gone bad.
COED COCKSUCKERS# 9
Seventeen–count-em–cocksuckers go down on faceless dicks. Every one gets facials. Don’t like one cocksucker, FF to the next one. There is a certain poetry in the bare bones simplicity of these videos. Some cocksuckers to watch: Doomy Moore and Regan Starr. After about ten of these scenes, a lesser man might burn out. But rex made it through all 17 scenes plus 5 bonus scenes; why not just say 22 scenes? Maybe Matt Zane can’t count that high. Clever way to make money off your auditions, Matt. But sometimes less is more. In the news:
Thanks to Taboo Video; I couldn’t have done her w/o you. |