SEXIEST SONG OF ALL TIME: "Penetration" or "I Need Somebody" by the Stooges, of course.

BEST STRIP SONG OF ALL TIME: Bowie's "Moonage Daydream," of course.

SEXIEST DRINK: I'll rip a page outta Peaches' notebook and say cum, of course.

SEXIEST CITY: New York, of course.

BEST ROLLING STONES ALBUM: Beggars Banquet

BEST ROLLING STONES SONG: "Torn and Frayed"

BEST BOB DYLAN ALBUM: Another Side of Bob Dylan

SEXIEST GUITAR SOUND: The Stooges' primal rhythmic gurgle. Dirty!

SEXIEST STAGE OUTFIT: Not the schoolgirl, like every friggin' rockerboy sez. The sexiest stage outfit is a bit of sweaty cotton stretched over a
muscled back and arms and Levi's that bulge some in the front. Yessir!

SEXIEST PRETENDERS SONG: "Precious"

SEXIEST BAND I'VE EVER INTERVIEWED: Zen Guerrilla, of course.

SEXIEST INTERVIEW I'VE EVER DONE: Jon Spencer Blues Explosion, as it involved hotel bars, elevators, and tequila. Or maybe it was the Cramps, cuz it involved Lux and Ivy.

SEXIEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN ON STAGE: Miss Mona Superhero

SEXIEST BAND I'VE EVER SEEN LIVE: Zen Guerrilla...The Viles

SEXIEST BOYS IN TOWN: That guy who owns the Matador, that guy who owns the Magic Gardens, that guy Evan the artist and Matt the homeless skateboarder. And Richard Meltzer, of course.

BEST PLACE TO GET TO KNOW SOMEONE: In bed, of course.

BEST ROCK 'N' ROLL SONG OF ALL TIME: The Kinks' "You Really Got Me." Two minutes, dirty guitar, all about sex...it gets to the point, reiterates it once or twice, then leaves you stranded in silence, hungry for more.

WOULD I HAVE RAY DAVIES' BABY?: Yes.

SEXIEST BAND EVER: Rolling Stones

WOULD I RATHER DRINK 'TIL I PUKE WITH LEMMY OR GO BOW-HUNTING WITH TED NUGENT? The Nuge, man. I love the outdoors.

WHAT COLOR PANTIES AM I WEARING AND HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN WEARING THEM? Well...I just woke up in Roseburg and am on my way to a Harley rally, and does it sound like I'm making excuses?! Yes, I'm wearing panties, OK? And they are black with red trim and in red glitter say RIDE 'EM COWBOY over a cowboy on a buckin' bronco. And I just put 'em on. Yawn. Fuckin' writer's life.

There ya have it. The answers to all my toughest questions. Tear this out and keep it on your fridge for easy access. Thanks to those many bands for trying: Boss Hogg, Andre Williams, the Cramps, Duff McKagan from Guns N' Roses, Lemmy from Motörhead, Dez from Black Flag, John Doe, Nashville Pussy, Peaches, Slayer, Mötley Crüe and their opening band, the Demolition Doll Rods, Scared of Chaka, Zen Guerrilla, Jon Spencer Blues Explosion, Coco Cobra and the Killers, the Viles, Jr. High, JP5, the Genitorturers, Johnny Legend and Richard Meltzer. You guys rock!

Finally, once more with feeling..... ZEN GUERRILLA, motherfuckers!!