All
the votes are in and have been tabulated. The Academy
has withstood the usual infighting, inbreeding,
and attempts on members' lives. The results are
as follows:
BEST
PLACE TO FUCK IN PORTLAND, OREGON: Under the St.
Johns Bridge in some Rockerdude's van. Yummy!
BEST
NEW PAIR OF BOOTS: All three of 'em! The perfect
cowboy boots from Buffalo Exchange....the perfect
black leather sexpot half-calf boots from Florence
(Italy, not Oregon)....and let's not forget the
trashy, oyster-shell-colored, patent-leather cowgirl
kickers from Seattle. They're gonna walk all over
you!
BEST
DADDY: You know who you are.
BEST
LIVE BAND OF 2001: The goddamned King Bros.! Check
'em out. Cute Jap boys'll blow the roof off your
circus tent. Gee whiz!
BEST
FIRST DATE: He disinterestedly deigned to meet me
for a drink, then took me to a poetry reading, out
to dinner, out to drinks, up to the top of the Empire
State Building, out for more drinks, then gazed
at me with wonder until 4AM and paid for all the
cabs! Where'd I put him?
BEST
PICK-UP LINE: "Can I eat you out, right here, right
now?"
RUNNER-UP:
"You're reading Dostoevsky's The Idiot? Well,
I am an idiot!" [This from a cute guy alongside
me in the waiting room of the Emergency Mental Health
Services joint. Yeah!]
BEST
BATHROOM: Oh my god! The PARK in Chelsea, NY.
It's tiny, with mirrored walls and ceilings, red
lights, a black marble john and sink with a GIANT
GOLDEN COCK-and-balls faucet. Wow. I purringly
watched myself pee, then lit Ethan Hawke's cigarette,
then the place burned down! I hope they build
it back up exactly the same. I think the key for
sexy bathrooms might be that they're small and
cramped. Of course, a giant golden cock-and-balls
faucet always helps. But one should not worship
false idols.
"I purringly
watched myself pee, then lit Ethan Hawke's cigarette,
then the place burned down!"
BEST
PERSON WHO DIED: Joey Ramone. He's singin' with
the angels now!
BEST
THING TO DO AT AN OFFICE JOB: Try to get yourself
off. No hands! When I had a really boring office
job, I'd practice for ten minutes every hour using
the good ol' "clench technique." After a day and
a half, I was wildly successful. However,
once I got goin', it was hard to stop. Can guys
do this? Let me know.
BEST
PLACE TO BE ON MARCH 6TH: In Ryan Adams's pants...I
mean...at Portland Organic Wrestling at Satyricon!
It's their first anniversary and should be totally
off the hook, yo.
BEST
STRIPPER EVER: Salomé at Magic Garden's.
RUNNER
UP: You.
BEST
MOVIE: The Royal Tenenbaums.
WORST
MOVIE: Moulin Rouge.
I'd
like to thank God and my family and all you nice
folks who give me money. I don't know what I'd do
without you. Everyone's golden cock-and-balls statuettes
will be in the mail by April 15th. Thank you! I
love you!
