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| xmag.com
: December 2001 : Darklady |
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Whatever
tomorrow brings, I'll be there with open arms and
open eyes.
What
a difference a year makes. 365 days. 52 weeks. 8760
little hours. All behind me now. All inside me now.
A part of who I am and who I will become.
Another
sad divorce. Eccentric advances in my marriage-eating
career. Deliciously unexpected love affairs: an
artist, a writer, an editor, a politician, and a
photographer. Piercings. A change in political parties.
A trip to Washington, DC, and the Supreme Court
building. A cross-country adventure from New York
City while history was
making headlines. Seemingly endless opportunities
to put love, honor, service, commitment, trust,
courage, and communication to the test while propelled
by Destiny and burning with ambition.
"Life is
sometimes clearest when seen in the rear-view mirror..."
It
was early December when Polymnos answered my call;
found me like a sad, pretty girl in a bad French
film, living in an electronic window, rarely sleeping,
rarely eating, driven but without focus or direction.
Shortly after picking the lock on the puzzle box
of my D/s fantasies, we realized that we had found
more than we had expected. The Fates have a sideways
sense of humor and follow the ancient tradition
of giving great gifts accompanied by challenges.
Creative thinkers and lovers rise to the occasion,
seek solutions, explore further into the frontier,
shed their tears, face their fears, and move forward.
For me, poly and kink are about creating connections
of lasting value and recognizing that this generates
change that, ideally, results in growth. But growth
rarely comes without its share of discomfort. How
we deal with our discomfort has a lot to do with
how healthy we grow.
My
year of growth has repeatedly inspired me to investigate
my heart and
my mind, to explore the far reaches of both. It
has resulted in some of the best writing I've
ever produced, some of the greatest insights of
my life, some of the most profound joys and most
unutterable sorrows. And, although I'd change
some of the details if I could--it was all worth
it. Life is sometimes clearest when seen in the
rear-view mirror, so it's important to pay attention,
look sharp, remember things for later--and keep
in mind that if it takes time to learn to drive,
it must certainly take time to learn to live.
As
part of my self-education and self-investigation
I recently participated in an online survey regarding
attitudes and practices affiliated with "Dominance,
submission, slavery and service." The survey's
goal is to "dispel myths and misunderstandings"
associated with these behaviors. Whether it accomplishes
this or not, it certainly caused me to think about
my own views concerning them, especially about
the various virtues and values I hold dear and
feel can be expressed from within their social
paradigms.
The
45-minute questionnaire poses many questions about
motivations for submission, responsibilities of
Dominants for their submissives, and ideal characteristics
of both. I was surprised to see how similar my
responses to questions about each partner was.
How strong both my ideal Dominant and submissive
traits were, how relatively unimportant physical
discipline was compared to willing and devoted
service. How vitally important intelligence, patience,
honor, and love were for earning and providing
such service. I did not see a system of inferior
and superior partnerships but of complementary
strengths and passions, combining to create a
greater--and growing--whole. Readers interested
in participating in this survey can do so at the
Jack McGeorge Research site, located at www.dss.sexresearch.org.
But
perhaps most importantly for me was the rush of
awareness that washed over me as I answered questions
and relived memories, realizing how many wonderful
experiences the past year has afforded me. Since
that pivotal e-mail in December I have learned
and felt so many things, have returned again to
live in my body, love with my heart, and dare
to dream with my spirit. What a difference a year
makes.
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