|
Wilkommen...Bienvenu...
Welcome...Come on in!
Welcome
to the hotter, stickier, nastier premiere edition of the all-new
Erotic City. In the past eight years, Exotic magazine
has evolved from a free Portland porn periodical into the prolific
and perverse 96-page publication it is today. And since we're
on the doorstep of another New Year, we decided it was time
to bring Erotic City into the new millennium.
What has
Erotic City been in the past, but a sometimes humorous,
often boring update of which club is doing what and when with
whom? After writing this feature for the past year or so, there
are only so many ways to pretend you're excited that some club
has two girls on stage at one time and is serving up $1.00 PBRs
with half-price table dances. It's time for something new. More
cynicism, more parody, more satire, for Chrissakes! If we can't
make fun of ourselves, then what's the point? We work in an
industry of illusion, boys and girls...this is not MTV, and
this sure as hell ain't the Real World. This is Pornland,
Oregon, land of free table dances and home of the depraved.
New and
Exciting Features
Erotic
City
is now a full two pages, overstuffed with all the things you
won't want to miss, as well as the  things
you wish you had never been told. We're even gonna throw in
some things that never even happened, just to see who's paying
attention. We've even added glorious full color to this feature
because, goddamn it, you deserve pink instead of gray.
Probably
the most exciting change here at Exotic Mission Control
is the changing of the guard of our Editor-in-Chief. Raise your
hands, voices, automatic weapons, or whatever else may be in
order to share your opinion of Mr. Jim Goad.
The Goadster
is responsible for writing close to half of the editorial escapades
contained within the pages of this month's issue, and, love
him or hate him, YOU WILL READ!!! Think of your alternatives
on a local scale...would you rather read a page full of crap
cannibalized off the Internet, or a slice of American sexism
at its angst-driven finest?
Gone are
the days when Exotic's editorial was something left over
to fill in unsold ad space. Goad's influence will be recognized.
After a string of successful ghost-writing spots such "I Vote
for BUSH Every Time" and "Faking the Male Orgasm," he finally
exposed his sinister identity in public with last month's controversial
terrorist taunting, "Muslim Girls Turn Me On!" Who knows what
havoc Goad's words may wreak on our fragile, disillusioned psyche?
If this is food for thought, enjoy the feast that is Goad.
The Most
Overexposed Naked Babe of the Month Award goes to an Exotic
favorite
this month, Holly Foxx. And not only is she baring it all
in Exotic, she has dominated the whole damn country
as Gallery Magazine's Girl Next Door of the Year. For
the second year in a row, Portland is hometown for Gallery's
Grand Prize winner. We're so damn lucky to live here, people.
Remember that shit the next time you're sitting at your favorite
stripper's rack drinking a dollar's worth of beer without
a tip in front of you.
Tickled
Ink-N-Pink
Ink-N-Pink
2001 came to a fiery conclusion last month on Halloween night
at Dante's Sinferno Spectacular. If you were there, fill in
the blanks yourself. Otherwise, the condensed version would
offer you an exotic gathering of tattooed, clothing-deficient
performance artists; the surprise "retirement" of the immortal
miss Ink-N-Pink 2000; the embarrassing fall of a mediocre
musician with wannabe industrial-icon delusions of grandeur;
a sharp increase on fire-insurance premiums in all venues
involved; and massive abuse of sedatives by the event's promotional
director. (Ed.: Let's not forget REED McCLINTOCK!) But
due to my personal addiction to drama involving naked tattooed
women, "Ink-N-Pink 2002," tentatively titled "The Resurrection,"
will be comin' at ya next October. Congrats to this years
winners: Anya (pictured) as Miss Ink-N-Pink 2001, Roxy as
Best Exotic Performance, and Dakota as Best Tattooed Entertainer.
Our favorite virgin, Cherry (also pictured) from Jody's Bar
and Grill, scored a draw as Miss Congeniality with Dante's
own Poison Ivy.
Stupid
Question of the Month
Little
Miss Pretty Pussy asks, "HOW DO I GET ON THE COVER?"
It used
to be that the average female's hopes and dreams consisted
of things like being Miss America,  marrying
a doctor, 2.5 kids and the white picket fence. But right here
in Pornland, Oregon, apparently the exotic dancer's ultimate
desire is to land herself on the cover of Exotic magazine,
and then there are those less ambitious that will settle for
the cover of other Portland publications. Now as honored as
we are with their collective desire to adorn our most prominent
of pages, I really have to laugh. Come on ladies, we're a
free magazine...underpaid for by our advertisers. And the
wage you collect for being a covergirl in most cases is equal
to the fee Exotic charges for ad layout, design and
photography, also known as...nothing. But with financial dysfunction
aside, why would a girl not want to be on our cover?
You'll be spread across the state on the cover of 30,000 copies,
filed away in the Portland Vice Department's reference archives,
passed around the local barbershop or office break room until
a copy eventually lands in the hands of an unknowing relative
or stalker ex-boyfriend...and you'll be despised by every
other girl who's worked at your club three years longer than
you without even getting into an ad. Welcome to the world
of the covergirl, baby; now you're a star!
But now
that you know the aftermath of getting on the cover, back
to the question at hand. How do you get there...? Well, if
you ask our friendly neighborhood competitor, he'll just tell
you that you have to sleep with one of us to get on the cover.
Unfortunately, our adversary, the Queen of Kirby, is quite
unaware that Exotic's policies have changed since he
was dismissed from our employ. Current
covergirl applicants are as follows: "It is not required that
a potential covergirl perform sexual favors of any kind with
any Exotic magazine staff member in exchange for selection
as a covergirl; however, it would be greatly appreciated if
favors are
willingly
awarded within six months of cover publication."
Other
options include winning a covergirl contest, of which there
usually tend to be one or two per year. If you pursue this
method to land your cover, we strongly recommend the use
of predatory female charm, spreading nasty rumors about
your competitors, misleading advances on any judges or authority
figures, and excessive use of phrases such as, "I'd do just
about anything to get on the cover!" or "Getting my picture
taken gets me so horny, I can't think about anything but
sucking your dick!"
Not
the contest type? Well, how about selecting a club to work
in that actually has the good taste to advertise with Exotic?
We are in the business of promoting our advertisers, after
all, and if you're working in some white-trash hellhole
in North Portland that views advertising as writing dollar-off
specials on a chalkboard over the bar, you'll probably never
see yourself on our cover.
And
speaking of contests, starting in January, Exotic will
be bringing you the first ever Exotic Covergirl of
the Year Contest. Twelve of your favorite covergirls will
be competing by ballot and 900 phone lines for over two
months in hopes of winning this new title. Additional benefits
for this title will include $1000.00 cash, the cover of
Exotic's 2002 Christmas Edition, and your very own
website on xmag.com's all-new xmagstrippers.com. (And don't
forget the best part...the option to have sex with the Exotic
employee of your choice in the next six months!) We'll
be bringing all 12 covergirls together for a huge party
as we announce our winner at Stars Cabaret in February.
If you
aren't one of the lucky 12 in this contest, don't worry
your sweet little asses, because there are still eight more
chances to qualify at Jody's Bar & Grill's Exotic
Magazine Covergirl Contest every Thursday night at 10pm.
The winner of this one will also cash in a grand and score
the Valentine's 2002 cover. And all you horny guys out there,
don't forget--Jody's is
definitely the spot that'll keep the crotch of your jeans
tight on contest night. We're talkin' 12 girls on a Thursday
night on two stages, at the same time, even. And there's
also a chance for you big tippers to score some props as
well. The fattest wallet of each preliminary round will
be appointed as our honorary judge for the final event,
with a complimentary dinner with the finalists, free table
dances, T-shirts, and more.
Strip
Club Spotlight
Contests!
Contests! Jesus Christ, do we have contests in this town!!!
And the Boom Boom Room will not  be
left out. This competition is a returning event looking
for "Portland's Biggest Ass." And they got Five Hundred
bills for ya if you got that ass. (Pay attention...this
is one of those aforementioned cynical stabs at parody.
The Boom Boom is actually lookin' for the nicest ass.
That's original, ain't it, like, aren't we all looking for
that? And shit, if I found that nicest ass, and I got to
keep it...I'd shell out a hell of a lot more than $500.)
Anyway, ladies, shake your ass on down to the Boom x 2 on
December 18 at 9pm.
The
Dolphin 2 has made it official with a brand new sign
adorning their Beaverton Hillsdale Highway location. If
you haven't made it out there yet, you're missing out. A
great space with gorgeous girls and our favorite rockin'
DJ LEWIE is back!!! The Southwest is definitely up
and cumming this Christmas. Stars Cabaret was the
first (remaining) brave explorer to break ground on Beaverton
soil, followed by The Dolphin II, and now another club is
open and ready for erections, Roc's Dollhouse in
Cedar Hills. The Dollhouse labels itself as "A Sophisticated
Showclub for the connoisseur." (Exotic's translation:
A high-end strip club for sexually addicted deviants.) Roc's
is rollin' with 3 stages, Steak & Seafood cuisine, featuring
live lobster tanks and a full bar. Rick and Steve, formerly
of too many places to list, have done an outstanding job
in bringing the Southwest another first-class emporium of
exotic entertainment.
Feature
performers are a strip club's way of showing you they care.
I mean, sure,
we've
got more hot babes right here in Oregon than you'll ever
get to lay, but isn't it nice that these generous and
sensitive strip-club executives take the time, trouble
and expense to bring us famous individuals that hold extensive
credentials such as Miss Tall Nude World, or Gang Bang
Queen of the Universe, or my personal favorite, "Jizz
Faced Anal Diva of Eternity!"?
Our
pals at City Limits keep that porn-princess machine
pumpin' with Jessica Justice from Dec. 12-15. Stars is
putting the stuffing in your stocking with Stephanie Swift
on Dec. 12-19. Of course I couldn't get away without mentioning
all the shit Stars is giving away this month, like a Harley,
plus a Sobe Mountain Bike and Snowboard. (That's awfully
nice of Hong to do that for them! What a swell guy!) And
there's another Stars Party Bus Bar hop rollin to Dante's
and the Cobalt again on Sunday, Dec. 9th.
Our
favorite downtown haunt, Magic Gardens, is showing
all of us sex workers how much they love us by holding
a S.I.N. Nite on Tuesday with $1.00 off specials and free
pool, even. We love you, too, Everett.
And
don't forget to stop by the only cool strip club in all
of North Portland, (yeah, that's right, I said it!) as
well as Portland's original all-nude club, Webb's Pub.
As if they weren't already the first choice in our books,
now those crazy babes at Webb's are givin' away table
dances for ten bucks a piece! Gotta love that! So remember...
North Portland...do you really need to go anywhere else
than Webb's?
Lingerie
Shop Review
Brittany
is back at Honeysuckles and BabyDolls Lingerie
Modeling along with favorites like Exotic Covergirl
of the Year Contender, Taylor, and up-and-comers like Foxy
from the Boom Boom Room. But if you go see Foxy at the Boom
Boom Room, remember to refrain from public masturbation--that's
a no-no there, and they'll probably beat the crap out of
your whackin' ass. Damn, it all gets so confusing, doesn't
it?
And
we have the best new face you wish you could wake up next
to, Malaya, along with one of our favorite pinups returning
to our pages this month, international goddess, Vanessa.
You can check them both out at Private Pleasures
and Secret Rendezvous. And our covergirl Malaya is
tearin' up the stage at Sassy's and Jody's this
month for all you shy boys out there.
Leather
and Lace has packed up and moved to a new location
at 3407 SW Corbett, and what better way to celebrate the
move than a limited engagement with another Exotic
Covergirl of the Year contender Vivianna on Dec. 5-12?
And while you're in the mood for strokin' Southwest style,
stop by Aja's all-new location on Beaverton Hillsdale
Highway. Wow, the South is rising, isn't it? We've got
six strip clubs, four Lingerie Shops, and five porn shops
out there now. And they tried to keep us out...you just
can't stop this industry.
Planet
Porn Shop
Since
we're all so perverse and expressive of our addiction
to all things sexual, isn't it just swell that we have
so many emporia of erotic wonders for us to shop in this
holiday season? Forget about the mall, we've got Cathie's
on Powell, with our pick hit for most fun next to
a blowjob, Ballsy the Bear. For just 30 bucks or
so, with a squeeze of his furry belly, Ballsy shares his
views on life, belching out quotes such as, "Kiss my fuckin'
ass!" or "I swear...she told me she was 18!"
Bad
Attitude is as kick-ass as ever, with an outstanding
collection of the coolest and hippest fashions for your
shopping pleasure. From corsets to chain mail, you gotta
check this place out, now located downtown.
And
in the Southwest, check out our friends at Fantasy
Video, DK Wilds, and Sweet Sensations,
for all the naughty little goodies you'll be unwrapping
after all the damn relatives go home.
Have
a Merry Fuckin' Christmas, Portland! I'm
outt
|
