When a well-known porn mag approached me with an assignment of attending a swinger's club and writing an exposé on it, I was anxious to do my homework. I'll admit, I was curious and still pretty green about such things. I had always wondered if what I'd heard was true...is it really a free-for-all-fuck-fest and would I be able to watch a real live cluster fuck? I was nervous...and eager to find out.

It might surprise you to learn that there are probably several swinger clubs within 50 miles of where you live. If you think such hard-core sexual shenanigans could never happen in your quiet, modest neighborhood, think again.

Virtually everyone is swinging these days. Fat, thin, old, young, preachers, teachers, straight & gay. Whatever you're into, you can get your fill of it at swing clubs. And it's perfectly acceptable to go simply because you're curious--that's exactly how everyone starts out! (Well, curious and horny!)

Unfortunately, for men it's not so easy unless you've got a woman who's open-minded enough to accompany you. Stag ladies are almost always admitted free, but stag men are refused entry unless there's an equal number of stag ladies on the guest list. Expect to pay between $35 and $75 (per couple) at the door. Some clubs only accept couples.

You can pretty much judge the caliber of the club by what the host says to you in the initial phone conversation. Don't panic if he (or she) asks for your first name and phone number. Be honest; they will call you back to verify. Your host should tell you several things, like what to wear and what to bring along. Some clubs (also called parties) are held in commercial buildings and others are operated in homes and in neighborhoods just like yours. The larger the house, the better the party. Ask how many rooms and beds the club has--if it's less then 10 beds don't go. Ask about the buffet; the better clubs have an elaborate buffet with free soft drinks. (Bring you own booze.) If it sounds like the house and buffet are small, that's a good indication of a poor-caliber club. All good clubs have a pool table, lockers and at least one Jacuzzi. A bowl of condoms is usually at the door, but bring your own, just in case.

Stay away from membership clubs unless you feel comfortable revealing personal information about yourself. They require you to pay for membership on your very first visit or you won't be admitted. To me, this says the party isn't good enough to draw you back again and forcing you into membership is just a tactic to get you to come back. If the party is upscale, they know you'll be back.

"Virtually everyone is swinging these days. Fat, thin, old, young, preachers, teachers, straight & gay."

Men: don't jerk off before you go to a swinger's party! In fact, be celibate for at least 24 hours before you go; you'll need all your stamina for the dozens of ladies awaiting your performance. Dress stylish; a ratty old T-shirt and tennis shoes won't help you get laid. Men as well as ladies should dress up for entry and then dress down (get naked) as soon as possible. The ladies like to change into sexy lingerie and the guys usually walk around in their skimpy underwear. Nudity is encouraged. Remember, a swing party is an advertisement for availability and willingness, so look the part! The hotter you look, the faster someone will invite you to 'join them.'

Swing parties are fun and can become quite addicting. There are several right here in Portland. One is M&M Swinger's Dance happening Sept 22, Oct 20, Nov 24 and Dec 29. Contact them at Swing2mnm@aol.com or see http://www.portlandswingersdance.com.

Portland also has The Ace of Hearts Club. www.aceofhearts.org or contact info@aceofhearts.org.

Then there's the ultimate: the yearly Lifestyles Convention in Nevada. It's a mega fuck-fest where thousands of people get together! See www.lifestyles.com for more info.