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  Pornocide;
Sin City; Dir., Frank Thring; Stars: Sylvia Saint, Daniella
Rush, Anita Black, Evan Stone, Mr. Marcus...
Sylvia
Saint, the green eyed pale skinned Czech, sucks Mr. Marcus'
massive member in the hot tub. She's possibly the most beautiful
woman in porn today, and director Thring plays to her strengths,
displaying her in fine lingerie and soft, diffused lighting.
Then, for some inane reason, the actors discuss fine wine
between scenes, promoting various varietals and vintages
drunk during loveplay. This metaphor never gets uncorked
for me. But it does give Pornocide an Adult Pay-Per-View
snob appeal. Thring keeps up the fine lingerie and weak
fetish attire coupled with elegant Euro set design--white
pianos, mock stone frescoes, exotic aquariums... close-ups
of the fish... four poster canopied beds. This elegant coffee
table magazine of fine wine and even finer interiors has
exactly what to do with the catchy title, Pornocide?
Pretty movie. Pretty boring. The box cover says, "It's like
you've died and gone to hell." Well, I wouldn't say it's
that bad. But it does seem more like producer Michael Raven
is selling snooker tables and stone facade fireplaces on
the side. As such, Pornocide is like watching sex
scenes pasted on the pages of Better Homes and Gardens
or Sunset magazine. A must see for interior decorators,
wine connoisseurs and the petty bourgeoisie who want their
sex wrapped up in a Saks Fifth Avenue box.
 Dare;
Sin City; Dir., Nic Cramer; Stars: Ava Vincent, Shaena Steele,
Paiges St. Claire, Nikita, Evan Stone...
.
Ava
Saint looks like a model who couldn't quite make it, so
she works as a retail slut selling designer jeans on Rodeo
Drive to the always entertaining Fabio look-alike Evan Stone.
(In case you haven't noticed yet, this month's column is
a mini Evan Stone porno film festival.) In arty wide screen
format, the mannequins come to life and have sex in the
store. Probably just a drug reaction for Ava Saint after
switching anti-depressants. So, Ava starts hearing voices,
played by Evan Stone. Naturally, with a voice in her head
like Evan, Ava's girlfriend
encourages her to follow whatever the voices say. Obviously,
the girlfriend is jealous and should probably change her
prescription so she can join the party. "Maybe the voices
have a point," Ava's girlfriend admonishes. "I hereby dare
you to go with the voices in your head." With friends like
that, who needs medication? Actually, it's director/writer
Nic Cramer who should rethink his serotonin re-uptake remedy.
Then again, if it's getting him work...
Ava has the gum chewing, dumb blonde, I'm-a-model-so-you-can-fuck-my-brains-out-'cause-I-don't-have-any
look down. The second scene throws off some heat, thanks
to the vigorous cocksucking of Shaena Steele. This brunette
takes it to the balls, while Ava sucks dick like she's paging
through Elle. She does present a pretty face to jack-off
on. And that's important for all perspiring models. Evan
Stone, who now comfortably resides in Ava's bipolar brain,
urges her to have sex with some serious guy in a gray suit
(CIA, FBI, NSA, Majestic?) who's old enough to be her father.
Speaking of which, there's a website (www.literotica.org)
that has a section devoted to stories about adults who choose
to have sex with their siblings, mothers and fathers. Call
it over 18 consensual incest. Which this is not. Just trying
to make something out of the nothingness of this pay-per-view
video release. Pornocide and Dare both raise
the question: Can any good come out of this transition from
renting porn in adult stores to paying to view off satellite
and cable? No.
The advent of broadband means someday soon you can order
from thousands of adult, regular feature, documentary, educational
or even vintage TV, all online. That wider selection means
that specialty, bizarre, arty, adventurous adult offerings
will be available via pay-per-view. In the meantime, vids
like Pornocide and Dare are designed for everyman,
lounging around in his slippers, who doesn't mind shelling
out seven to ten dollars a whack even if it goes mostly
unwatched. Catering to the home-alone nouveau riche means
these features are like fast-food. Call them fancy porno
McNuggets (tm). And keep going to the porn store.
Paradise Hole; VCA; Dir., Jim Holliday; Stars: Sydnee
Steele, Evan Stone, Jessica Drake, Allysin Chaynes, April,
Tiffany Mynx...
Sydnee
Steele stars as a televangelist who urges her followers
to send cash and avoid sex--while prancing about in a see-through
white robe. But the minute she's off camera, the sweet reverend
gets rear-ended; one of her bunghole licking faithful prepares
her for the massive offering to follow that narrow highway
to hell. So far, a white trash, campy, all-anal fuckfest
marred only by the words FOR SCREENING ONLY, ever present
at the base of my trusty 13 incher.
TV, that is. Tits the size of Montana, tight asses, leatherette
couches. Wow. Sydnee Steele's tits never move as she reverse
cowgirls Van Damage and takes his deadly weapon up the Old
Testament. Her nipples are rigid soldiers rising up to heaven.
The Rev's bubble headed, biblically breasted blonde follower
sucks dick the way the Rev sucks cash outta her viewers.
Evan Stone comes on strong as Sydnee's sidekick. As the
800 number flashes onscreen at the end of his whacked-out
testimony, one wonders if it could be the toll free number
for VCA? So I called it. "We're sorry. The number you have
dialed cannot be reached from your calling area." No shit!
Must have been the toll free line for heaven.
Meanwhile, a girl named Amy wants to convert, but she's
afraid that her "special" needs won't be accepted. No problem.
Down home toe sucking, pussy licking and dildo action up
the ass follows. And it vibrates. Definitely New Testament.
Some Christians online (www.olcc.com) contest the idea that
Satan created sex. After watching Paradise Hole,
they might argue that the angels tossed out of heaven for
being comic cut-ups created sex.
Turns out that Evan Stone is a reporter working deep undercover.
Except he's learning to like his televangelist role. So,
big daddy Holliday sends his succulent secretary, Jessica
Drake, to bring his minion-writer-turned-evangelist back
with the scoop. Back at the ranch, the undercover writer
cum reverend tells the Lolita-like April, "All sex is bad
and evil," then sticks his cock down her throat. And for
that, she gets a job shaking tambourine onstage for $500
a month.... about what we make around here following our
reverend publisher. Back on the Twilight Tabernacle Television,
the Belladonna sisters spin the Sin Wheel, landing on "Day
Drinkers." Yuck. The delicious Drake shows up to fuck the
reverend writer back to his senses. I wish Drake would have
shown up in Paradise sooner, as she has a body that
would make preachers, pornographers and poets pause. So,
the televangelists convert Drake to their way in a Hallelujah
threesome, making the Twilight Tabernacle TV safe from any
journalistic expose. Just like the Scientologists, only
much kinder coercion. If you're looking for good anal woven
into a goofy, off-the-wall satire, Paradise Hole
is your salvation. Evan Stone is outta control doing his
in-serious-need-of-medication preaching from the pulpit.
Because it must have been some clown that created the comedy
of sex. I'd almost take a good laugh over a good orgasm;
when you stop chortling it's done, and you don't have three
kids and a minivan, or three years and a therapist to get
over it.
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