Exotic Magazine: Animal Cock : December 2004

It is generally accepted that God is a male, and as such, it must be assumed that he has a wonderful penis. In the vibrantly throbbing multiplicity of his creations, he has also fashioned all manner of animals, and he has bestowed upon most of them a wonderful penis all their own.

Lord knows how many animals Noah crammed on his ark, but we do know they filed in two-by-two, with each male animal toting a unique, divinely fashioned penis.

Let us take a moment to reflect on the variety of cocks our Lord has made--whether they come equipped with spines, hooks, knobs, twists, or bulbs--and let us be profoundly thankful.

To most marsupials, he has given a bifurcated penis, which splits into two columns like antennae.

To the gentle dolphin, he has given a marvelously useful penis which operates like a prehensile tail, enabling the highly intelligent creature to probe the ocean floor like a blind man searching for cigarette butts.

To the American skunk he has given an 'S'-shaped penis, and he has gifted the lovable wallaby with a sexual appendage shaped like an ice-cream cone.

To the pig he has given a corkscrew-shaped member which moves with a rotary action and ejaculates once it is snugly within the female pig's corkscrew-shaped vagina.

To the banana slug, especially a pimpin' breed known as Dolichyphallus ("giant penis"), he has given a member equal in size to the rest of its body. And he has endowed the lowly barnacle with a Johnson roughly TWENTY TIMES the rest of the barnacle. Lady barnacles, rejoice!

Our creator's handiwork is evident in the formidable schlong of the daddy longlegs spider, which measures roughly two-thirds of its entire body length. Scientists in Scotland recently unearthed a daddy longlegs fossil containing what is believed to be world's oldest extant penis, a spider dick nearly 400 million years in age, blowing away the previous record-holder, a 100-million-year-old penis belonging to a tiny crustacean known as an ostracod.

God has included a literal bone within the "boners" of many mammalian species, and to the rest of us he has given a blood-engorged flesh sac which only approximates a bone, at least when I take Viagra.

Thank you, God, for all of these penises. Thank you not only for my criminally tasty penis, but also for the mystical, life-giving penises of all the birds in the air, the beasts in the field, and the fishies in the sea. Our penises all point toward heaven and thank you.

ASIANS, THOSE HAPLESS LAST-PLACE-FINISHERS IN THE HUMAN-PENIS SWEEPSTAKES, routinely ingest animal cocks in order to enhance sexual potency or revive a flagging libido. Cruising the back alleys of most Chinatowns throughout America, one finds dusty old stores which peddle potions containing all manner of animal cock--tigers, wolves, seals, deer, ostriches, goats, snakes, and even the cuddly li'l gecko lizard so beloved in current TV car-insurance commercials--ground into pastes, potions, pills, and soups which promise enhanced sexual performance among humans. China alone is thought to import at least thirty thousand seal penises every year for such purposes. In 1993, Chinese officials seized 731 seal and deer dicks which black-market weenie vendors were attempting to smuggle across their border.

THE FROSTY ISLE OF ICELAND, home to the midnight sun, glorious hot springs, and that shrieking psycho cunt named Bjork, also boasts what is thought to be the planet's only "penis museum." Nestled in downtown Reykjavik, the Icelandic Phallological Museum contains over a hundred specimens of animal cock, representing all of the island's mammalian species save two--the human and the dolphin.

Not to fret, though--an Icelander named Pall Arason, described as "very far from being modest," has willed his penis to the museum upon his death, provided that it be removed from his still-warm corpse before the blood clots in order that it can be injected with fluids to keep it forever erect.

Cruising the museum, one finds a staggering array of animal wee-wees: a tank containing 29 whale dicks; a dried bone from a skunk's cock; a tanned bull penis fashioned into a whip; a jump rope equipped with animal-dick handles; a bow tie made from whale-schlong leather; a coat rack with animal-cock legs; a "penis mini-bar"; and a smoked horse schvanz donated by surviving family members of an Icelander who used to eat such items "as a treat."

Yum! Think I'll fix myself a horse-cock sandwich!

"BROWNBEAR" AND "TIGGER" ARE THE PROPRIETORS of Zeta Creations in West Virginia, which to my horrified knowledge is the world's only manufacturer of dildos
modeled after animal penises. Cruising their website (http://www.furcen.org/~zetatoys), one marvels at the love and detail invested in plasticine re-creations of canine, equine, ursine, feline, and aquatic phalluses. The site boasts a sharply curved kangaroo dildo (for going "down under," the ad copy explains) and promises an alligator dildo in the near future.

"It's hard to explain to someone else what it feels like to have a bear cock slide slowly in," reads their promotional literature, "or feel the slick curve of a dolphin penis gliding in and out. You'll just have to find out for yourself."

Uhh...think I'll pass.

The testimonials from satisfied customers should induce nausea in most sane readers :

I haven't felt this good since my 1st time with a male K9 lover.

Received "Smokey" the new bear dildo from "Zeta Creations" today, and it is quite fun to use.

I like the design and feel of the raccoon cock, but the curve is a bit much for me to take the whole thing, but I'll keep trying. ;)

I just got 'Squirmy' from you recently. I have to say...it's wonderful!

I purchased your Grand Pup toy, and I've enjoyed using it very much. It gets used as often as I can manage. =)

IT'S A WIDE, WIDE WORLD OF ANIMAL COCK OUT THERE. As long as there are animals, there will be animal cocks--getting hard, shooting their jizz, and creating more animals, roughly half of whom will have new animal cocks. It's all part of God's master plan. Thanks, Big Guy!