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"Can we, as a country, all agree

xmag.com : December 2004 : Cadvice


I am shocked that someone with your credentials and educational background would suggest that a woman could turn a man gay. Sexuality is not a choice. You cannot turn someone gay; someone is gay or they are not. Homosexuality is a biological reality that manifests itself in the animal kingdom with great regularity. I am a graduate of Sarah Lawrence College and did my thesis work on this issue. Your attitude--and those who share it--is something for all of society to resist and fight. Did you choose to be straight? Your brand of homophobia keeps me up at night. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Sincerely,

Socially Constructive And Naturally Combative

 

 

Dear SCANC,

 

I am ashamed. I am ashamed that we live in a country that churns dykes out of lesbian factories like Sara Lawrence. Statistically ninety-eight percent of the Sara Lawrence student body are lesbian. The remaining two percent are males who made a bad decision when choosing their college. Another interesting statistic: one hundred percent of Sara Lawrence graduates polled two years after graduation are heterosexual.

If you refer to the line graph on page 672 of my book Statistical Analysis Of The Population Of Liberal Arts College Women With Trust Funds, Problems With White Guilt, Art Degrees and Weight Issues available from Amazon.com and Barnes and Noble booksellers you will see this trend establishing itself in the mid-sixties and growing year after year to the present. Almost immediately upon graduation the lesbian community of Sara Lawrence and similar schools begins to mount the erect cocks of the net-back-cap-wearing dyed-black shaggy haired white-belted brown-cords-wearing bass-playing dirt bags of Boulder/ Seattle/ Brooklyn/ Austin/ Tucson/ Boston/ San Francisco/ Manhattan and/or Portland. Regularly cock-stuffed or not, these women hate men and I don't blame them. I hate men almost as much as I hate women and I hate women almost as much as I hate dogs and monkeys. That doesn't mean however that I get to use some other device as a jizz receptacle. The Lord wants me to use a woman for that. As long as I can get an erection by looking at the lovely and augmented ladies of the internet it is my duty to stuff that erection into a lady and pump her full of my seed.

God wants us to procreate and grow our children in the evangelical faith so that they might be tax-paying cannon fodder in wars against the filthy Arabs. God hates the filthy Arabs and this is what he wants of us. Gays do not produce children and that is why our government will not allow them the pleasure of shooting filthy Arabs. Sorry, "men," that's how it is. Produce a kid, shoot an Arab. It's one of the only perks the government gives its disciples. The gays don't get to shoot Arabs; they will have to be content cutting my hair and thinking about me while they jack off.

You think that fags have no choice in the matter? They do. But the fags want to have their cake and eat cock, too. They will bitch and complain 'til the day they die of AIDS that they are discriminated against. Damn right they are. Man should serve God and country first. Doing a eleven-inch line of meth off of some guy's hard cock serves neither.

Do you think that the rest of us want to marry some complaining bitch who still has the Supercuts version of the Jennifer Aniston haircut that went rancid seven years ago and who is P.M.S.ing the three weeks of the month she isn't bleeding? Or do you think that we would rather have chosen that guy we spent the night with in the navy, that nimble-fingered guy who gave us a back rub and wound up mouth fucking us? Or that six-packed guy who now makes three times as much money as I do? Or that six-foot tall guy who can afford and has time to vacation whenever he wants to because he doesn't have kids? Or that former model who lives with his muscle-bound fireman boyfriend and their westies in a three thousand square foot loft with a view? No. I wanted to marry a fat bitch who somehow got pregnant even though she was using the sponge, an IUD, spermicidal foam and jelly, a diaphragm, the female condom and was on the pill. Life is full of choices.

All The Best,

Cesar Augustus DeLillo

 

 

 

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