More than anything else, men fear impotence. They know that even one limp-dicked episode can have drastic, life-altering results. At the very least, the poor fellow's unsatisfied lover will go blabbin' to all the girls in town that he's a dud in the sack, leading to embarrassment, job loss, severe social ostracism, and a life of eating potato chips in front of the TV on Friday nights. That's at the very least. At worst, we're talking about murder-suicides and an eventual episode of Forensic Files.

And yet most males reading this, if they bear the merest scrap of honesty within their horny, fatty-acid-strangled hearts, would admit that at least once in their lives, they have suffered the abject humiliation of erectile dysfunction, known in some circles as "not getting a boner." Judging from our extensive marketing research regarding our readership, it's safe to assume that in many of your cases, there's a correlation between drug use and subsequent bedroom failure. I know this to be true because intoxicants are spread throughout the sex industry like butter on toast.

Living as Sanctified American Adults in a free nation that bombs whomever the fuck we WANNA bomb, we ingest intoxicants primarily for PLEASURE. It simply FEELS GOOD to slam down drinks, shoot up heroin, and sit around in a drum circle puffing on a hookah with a bunch of smiling, socially conscious friends.

Our stinking lust for pleasure is likewise fulfilled in the sex act and its bawdy carnal delights. For the average male--or, in my case, the above-average male--the brain floods with Happy Juice whenever we're sticking it to a chick like a sand shark burrowing deep inside a wet pile of beachfront property.

Sex and drugs. Two roads leading straight to Pleasureville.

Combined, sex and drugs are the chocolate and peanut butter of sensuality, a Reese's Cup of unbridled indulgence and satisfaction. Drugs, as all of us know from hard experience, are often used to enhance sex. Behold the foofy hipsters wearing their chic clothing at all the trendy nightspots, readying themselves for the rigors of alterna-coitus by toting a cigarette in one hand and a martini in the other, slinking off to the bathroom to snort poppers and rocky piles of Peruvian Marching Powder. You know the type--they pout their lips and flutter their eyelashes. They soak their brains in red wine, green bud, and China White.

Sex and drugs. Drugs and sex. It's a Pleasure Train.

Usually.

The fun is often derailed, though, when the drugs get in the way of the sex. It's almost as if the drugs get jealous of the sex and try to prevent you from having a threesome with it. Given the right dosage, alcohol and certain drugs can impede or even prevent an erection by altering blood flow to a guy's ding-diddy-dong. Sip a li'l too much sauce or toot a li'l too much blow, and you might find that your once-proud Love Loaf is reduced to a soft, watery blob of uncooked pizza dough. Or just keep drinking and smoking like you've been doing, and you'll be flaccid in a few years anyway.

But since I care about you like no other writer on earth is even CAPABLE of caring, since I've invested considerable prayer, emotion, and ball sweat in the idea that one day you'll actually FIND a girl willing to go home with you and that once you're there, you'll be able to perform with some level of rudimentary adequacy, I'm going to hold your soft little hand and guide you through the potential hazards of drug-induced impotence.

Alcohol

In Shakespeare's immortally faggy words, excessive drinking "provokes the desire but takes away the performance." Nary a man among us, and scarcely even a boy, can honestly claim they've never been "too drunk to fuck." Through the ages, how many millions of drooling drunken males have vainly tried to squash their wormy-soft anti-erections inside their repelled lovers' giney-holes? How many brave lady citizens have toiled for hours, their jaws sore from sucking on their sloshed boyfriends' soft candy cocks? Long-term alcohol use ravages the liver and fries the nervous system. The neural connections between the pituitary gland and the genitals are damaged. Testosterone plummets, leading to the syndrome referred to as "Whiskey Dick" or, in the UK, "Brewer's Droop." In severe cases, the hormonal damage wrought by alcohol can even cause men to grow breasts. Ewww! Prolonged alcohol use damages penile nerves and can cause permanent impotence, even if the person quits drinking.