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"Show
me yer TITS!!!" 
A common
exclamation familiar to every girl, strippers and non-strippers
alike, usually from an infrequently laid dipwad in the
back of a bar or in a passing
vehicle. We've all come across the type--the mouthy loser
who has no friends but buys the beer so people hang out
with him. Thankfully, not all boys let their mouths pop
off all frat house style.....but most men THINK it. Bottom
line, boys love boobs.
I won't
get into all of the Freudian mumbo jumbo of why.....otherwise
I'd have to talk about Mom, and if you're looking at this
magazine, Mom shouldn't enter into it. Let's just say
everybody loves boobs, big and small, but mostly big.
Enter
Doctor Karl Wustrack. He loves big boobs, his mom, and
has NEVER hollered at girls from his car. Dr. Wustrack
is one of the highest client-recommended plastic surgeons
in the area, and the creator of some of the finest tip-earning
ta-tas in Multnomah County and beyond. He's been pumping
up cup sizes for more than twenty years, and though he
says strippers make up less than half of his clientele
these days, his artistry is bouncing around and earning
big bucks in over half the clubs in Portland. The good
Doctor was kind enough to meet with me and fill me in
on filling 'em up.
Now,
I've seen Discovery Channel and all the extreme makeover
stuff where the girl looks kinda normal afterwards and
her titties look real and she's just sooooooooo happy
with her brand new life. O.K....so what's up with the
fucked-up walleyed tupperware you see all greased-up and
be-glittered at the rack and in porno movies? According
to Dr. Wustrack there are some basic guidelines to follow
in order to gain the best results from breast augmentation
surgery, i.e. realistic looking and feeling breasts. So
if you're wanting a boobjob, read on.
Implants
are squishy discs that go in empty and get filled with
 saline
when they're in place. They're placed either in the breast
itself (behind all your booby junk) or, more commonly,
under the muscle wall. The latter generally achieves better
results, according to the doctor. Though they can go into
your body several ways, the preferred incision is under
the aureola (the darker skin 'round the nipples) or under
the crease of the breast. You should discuss with your
doctor where you feel the scar from the incision will
be best concealed on your body, as well as how big you
want to go. Also, implants have different textures and
shapes as well as sizes. Textured implants have a rough
appearance, like they've been scuffed up. The thought
behind the textured implant is that they tend to stay
put and supposedly decrease the instances of capsular
contracture (scar tissue build-up within the muscle wall
surrounding the implants, making boobs feel super hard
or even look deformed). Dr. Wustrack explained that although
textured implants may have some benefits, they have a
higher instance of leakage. He rec
ommends
the smooth, glassy looking ones. Anatomical (teardrop
shaped) implants sound like an obvious alternative to
the usual circular ones, but the good Doctor explained
that when placed in the snug pocket cut into your muscle
wall, round and teardrop implants achieve the same result.
Another
very important thing to consider is your body type.
Though every type can get a realistic looking rack,
the best body for new boobs is someone with some breast
tissue and a wee bit of sag. For once here's an instance
where girls with some meat on them have the upper hand.
If you're a petite, thin type with small, tight boobies,
you'll have a problem going too big and keeping it real(istic).
You shouldn't go up more than one cup size or you could
end up with two cantaloupe halves set upon your spindly
ribcage. Stop crying and go have a sandwich, skinny.
An
easy thing to forget when considering buying some new
boobs is that augmentation mammaplasty is major surgery.
Expect to be in huge amounts of pain. Pain. Not sore,
like doing too many sit-ups. Real "Oh my God it feels
like someone chopped into my chest meat and pumped a
big, bagel sized foreign object into the bloody gash
and stitched me up again. God I feel ....pretty!" pain.
Don't be a hero when the doctor asks you your preference
for pain medicine....go for the good smack. Avoid ibuprofen
for a couple of weeks; it can cause bleeding. Depending
on your vocation, you can expect to be laid up for a
week. If you're healing nicely, you can resume more
physical activities in a couple of weeks. That means
sex, stripping, boxing or doing the log toss. You won't
really want to use your upper body for much anyway,
other than to prop yourself up on pillows, moaning in
pain and begging for drugs.
Two
days or so after surgery you need to commence your breast
massaging routine. This keeps circulation going in the
pocket that holds the implant and prevents too much
scar tissue from building up. From what I understand,
this is the last thing you want to do two days after
surgery, but it's a very important part of aftercare,
says the Doctor. It's the best way to get the implants
to settle behind your natural boobs and start looking
and feeling soft and pliable.
Remember
that when you're healing from all this, it may look
like you got face, sternum and collarbone implants as
well. Have you ever seen the shiny, swollen chests of
girls showin' off their big ticket items too soon? Post-op
swelling is normal and can even last a couple months,
but if you didn't go too big, you massage every day
and do what the doctor says, your implants will drop
into place and it'll only be for others to wonder if
they're real and to say, "Show me your TITS!!"
Demi
Mondaine wants to see YOUR tits at Exotic's BOOB JOB
CONTEST. See Erotic City for details.
To
get more information about breast augmentation and to
see before and after photos, go to www.lookingyourbest.com
or www.implantforum.com.
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