"John
is a lower life form than anyone who works at Exotic.
He is Industry standard straight off the assembly line.
A cheap replaceable, airbrushed figurine who thinks money
or attention can somehow make him less of a grotesque
cartoon." --Exotic
magazine, November 2002
I'm
Back
Can
you believe you're reading this? Trust me old friends,
I can't believe I'm writing it. But somehow, I'm back
at my old desk on Burnside pounding out your monthly dose
of Erotic City. It's not Exotic's
fault, I brought it up as a joke. I simply pointed out
that my former column had become terribly boring and altogether
uninteresting since I had left. It amazes me to this day
that so many of you not only read, but have directly quoted
the "mindless and nonsensical rants" I spewed onto these
pages. But that was a long time ago. A lot has happened
here in our fair City of Rosebuds since my departure from
Exotic. In the good old days it was just
a simple game of tug-of-war between this proud publication
and our stubborn English associate over at SFX.
Then Exotic pissed me off. And even though my resignation
from Exotic was intended to be a total departure
from publishing all together, it didn't quite work out
that way...
I
Love Exotic
Being
the "whore" that I am, I jumped aboard what I thought
would be the new leader of PDX's free skin mags: Enter
Xcitement. I stuck around for a whopping two issues
before MY "excitement" waned. Yeah, they're real nifty,
with their shiny pages and big time porn stars and all,
but it wasn't Exotic. It was like getting a Gardenburger
thrown at you when you ordered a Filet Mignon. So I bailed,
and like any good "whore" would do, I fell straight into
the arms of the next dumbass that wanted to start a magazine
in this town-- Like we really needed one! But the guy
paid me a signing bonus, made lots of promises, and somehow
seduced me into another stab at the old magazine biz.
Problem was, none of you ever saw that one, since only
about 500 copies made it into the country.
One would think an embarrassing series of maneuvers like
that would finally motivate me to call it quits in the
PDX magazine scene right? But then again, as much as I
bitched and moaned between these pages, in the six years
or so I spent in this arena, I was my most happily dysfunctional
right here at Exotic. So for some reason, these
crazy bastards turned me loose once again. Forgive them,
Portland, they're really a bunch of good guys...honest.
It's all my fault, it was my idea. I know what you've
all heard about me, and I've heard what you all say. But
love me, hate me, at least I've given you some twisted
form of amusement over the years, and I got lots more
to give.
Finally,
Sushi and Strippers
The
new Union Jacks has got it going on this month.
Thursday nights are TroubleVision at Jacks with 2 girls
on each stage, 2-for-1 two girl table dances and, starting
this month, TroubleVision Team Challenges. With an all
new expanded table dance area, this is a night you don't
wanna miss, unless the thought of two hot naked babes
making you the meat in their sandwich turns you off. Every
Sunday at Jacks don't miss
Swingferno
& Sushi. With hot sultry babes dancing to classic
blues, big band swing and jazz classics all night long.
If you clean yourself up, these babes will even dance
WITH you if you're lucky. You can even dive into the new
Sunday sushi menu to give yourself a little extra stamina
for a weekly swing dance contest with $100 in prizes.
Hit
The Spot
Twenty-two
G-Spot girls were at the Pallas on May 29th
and it was a HUGE party. They'll be there again June 28th,
along with the band Debris. Don't miss it.... the
G Spot is now 3 times as hot! Sounds like a multiple orgasm
to me, but when you're talking about the #1 Babe the Guys
at Exotic Wanna Fuck, the G Spot is where you wanna
hit. And just in case you can't find your way there, now
all 3 of Sheena's shops are G spots (formerly Anastasia's
& Palace of Pleasure). So for all you bold and adventurous
horndogs out there, think about this: you can hit Sheena's
G spot in three different places now. Sounds like it's
gonna be a wet summer. Love ya Sheena, you know where
my spot is baby, stop by to Jack it anytime.
Free
Boobs
The
suspense is swelling boys and girls! This month Exotic's
biggest contest ever is bouncing from one club to another
to keep your libido in lust. Jiggling your way on June
12th @ Sassy's, the 19th at Cleopatra's Viewpoint
and the 26th at Club Exotica. We'll bust out with
the grand finale at Stars on July 10th to see who
wins the complimentary rack courtesy of Exotic. Call 503-827-8018
to sign up, or meet at The Refectory at 9pm on June
4th.
I
Love Exotic Even More
Hey,
dude, what's the coolest free porn mag in town? Exotic
Magazine. We're so damn cool next month we'll be ten
years old. You know how many asses we had to kiss, how
many babes we had to lay to get this far? Ten years is
a big one, friends. And of course we're gonna be throwing
a major gig to celebrate our First Decade of Decadence.
Make sure you're there. Your friends will all disown you
and your girlfriend will dump you if you're not.
Be
Nice to Sailors
Attention
Smut Soldiers, it's Rose Festival time again Portland.
That means we're gonna have a lot of visitors in town
crowding in on the action you all take for granted. So
when the sailors muscle up to the rack this month, put
a buck or two in front of them and show a little appreciation
for the ass kicking they handed Sadaam and his boys while
you were sitting at home beating off to free porn mags.
Give 'em some respect. Better yet, buy 'em a table dance.
The
End
That
wraps things up for this month, kids. Maybe I'll even
be back again next issue if I haven't pissed anyone off.
Who knows? But contaminating your world with my jaded
words is always a pleasure.
I'll see you out there (and so will the security cameras)...
--Spooky *
