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: June
2002 : Erotic City |
Summertime...what
does it mean to you? I'm not asking you this as some sort
of intellectual transition into a stimulating topic I can
fill two pages with. I am asking you this because I
truly have no idea what the hell I'm supposed to do any differently
now that the sun is doing its thing for a few months. Since
this issue is all about "Exotic's Guide to Summertime
Sexual Fun," I decided to sell out and let Erotic City
follow the masses.
The
world I live in really isn't all that much different with
the change of the seasons. But on the rare occasions that
I'm not protected under the black lights in the darkness of
a strip club, I do notice a few things in the outside world.
First off, there are hot babes walking around downtown, and
they're all dressed like strippers now. In this town, all
it takes is a ray or two of sunshine, and the clothes start
flying off. But one of the most traumatizing summertime events
is the nauseating pleasure of the Rose Festival. But I'm gonna
delay any ranting and raving for a bit and be informative
about what our fair city has to offer you. After all,
it's tourist season...so I'm gonna help all you sex-starved
strangers out and point your horny
little peckers in the right direction.
Exotic's
Official Summertime Guide to Rose Festival
Sexual Fun
Odds
are if you have this magazine in your hands, the bumper cars
at the fun center just aren't doing it for you. You need  something
a bit more stimulating to the sinful senses? We got your back.
Downtown is where its all happening at Rose Festival time,
so we're gonna take you on a quick little sexpedition you
can accomplish on foot while the wife and kids are sucking
snow cones on the Ferris wheel.
You
have four convenient options if you're looking for flesh on
foot. Two Portland classics lay on the west side at Magic
Gardens and Mary's Club. Don't go there looking
for high-tech lighting and champagne rooms; DO go there for
artsy strippers in a "classy-trashy" environment with reasonably
priced stiff drinks. Just on the east side of the Burnside
Bridge you've got a very unique club called Union Jacks.
A very kick-ass high-tech club, not to mention some very hot
babes. Jacks used to be the kinda joint you didn't feel safe
walking into without garlic and a crucifix. (One of the reasons
I used to like it, actually!) But after a remodel, a new staff,
and an incredible new collection of dancers this place is
now what I have to call "Downtown Portland's Best Kept Secret."
One
more eastside club within waterfront stagger distance is Sassy's
on Morrison. Another no-nonsense kinda place with incredibly
hot chicks. Just check out how many Exotic Covergirl
posters they've got up on their walls, and you'll see what
I mean. Statistically, I would have to say this has been the
preferred spawning grounds among Exotic staffers for
years.
OTHER
DOWNTOWN EXOTIC POINTS OF INTEREST
Okay,
so maybe you're looking for something a little more "interactive"
than a strip club. A place where you can be more "hands-on,"
perhaps? Relax, sailor, that kind of thing is illegal in Portland.
However, if hanging out in a private room with a hot centerfold
sounds like fun to you, ya might wanna drop anchor at Centerfold
Suites. You can find their penthouse upstairs above Dante's
on 3rd & Burnside. If you've never checked into the Suites
before, lemme fill you in to avoid any ignorant indiscretions.
You drop 40 bucks for a half-hour show, you drop your pants,
you drop your load. Simple as that? Not really. The 40 bucks
is the house fee; the ladies work for tips alone. So generosity
would most likely improve the quality of your show. Now remember,
sexual contact between you and the models is illegal. But
if you wanna swab your own deck, hey, we gots no problem wit
dat!
If
you're too shy to have a hot babe in your presence while you're
takin' care of business, downtown has plenty of porn shops
to satisfy you sex-starved seamen. Hard Times and Cindy's
are just off Burnside. Both shops offer toys, mags, vids,
and preview booths. If you're a porn shop connoisseur, definitely
stop by Fantasy Video on Burnside or Taboo Video
on MLK (eastside). They've got the largest selection, and
let's just say the floors aren't as sticky. Hell, you can
even pick up an inflatable girlfriend to smuggle back on board
for those lonely nights at sea. So there you have it, soldiers,
before I return to doing what I normally do with this column,
I'm gonna give you one more valuable bit of advice: Strippers
get totally hot over those silly little sailor hats. Bring
EXTRA HATS ashore with you and see what you can get a girl
to give up for 'em. Enjoy your time in Pornland, boys, we'll
see ya next year. 
AND
NOW...FOR THE REST OF YOU...
That
kinda felt like a walk down memory lane, when Erotic City
was just a promotional tool to stroke our advertisers. But
the few dedicated readers that our publisher thinks I have
were probably bored as hell reading about a bunch of "been
there, done that" kinda crap. So just for you, I'm gonna try
and squeeze in a little summertime shit-disturbing before
we wrap this month's issue up.
First
things first: Let's settle up a little confusion about this
Spooky thing. You were all too smart for me; Spooky isn't
really dead. I tried to roll with this Bon Voji thing to kind
of mark a transformational period in my life. Apparently,
the transformation has stabilized, so Spooky is back, kind
of. You see, I recently met
this
other dude down at Dante's who was introduced to me as Spooky.
He's a pornographer too, but he jacks his gig for a hip
little website full of naked goth chicks called The Suicide
Girls (www.suicidegirls.com). And there's more...I'm
a deejay again. This time at Soobie's Bar & Grill.
Hong has been adventurous enough to turn me loose on a microphone
and let me spin my twisted and graciously uncensored tunes
for all the hot babes to get naked to. You can find me there
on just about any night except Sunday, Monday or Thursday.
So I thought DJ Spooky had a nice ring to it, but wouldn't
ya know it, there's already a DJ Spooky. I'd like
to mention that I didn't choose the nickname Spooky; it
was appointed to me by one of Satan's little helpers
down at Dante's years ago. So taking all of this into account,
this has led me to my new name, "The Pornographer formerly
known as Spooky."
Last
month, Erotic City reached new levels or reader appreciation,
with completely unexpected results. I can probably sum it
up best with the reaction that a very sexy young lady by
the name of Anna at Centerfold Suites greeted me with earlier
last month. In a genuinely annoyed and dissapointed tone
of voice, she asked me, "How come you don't wanna fuck me?"
There is no warmer and fuzzier feeling I can possibly describe
than the way I felt at that moment. Perhaps we were onto
something here. Why hadn't we thought of this before? Maybe
we should just turn Exotic into a 96-page update
on who we wanna fuck! My response to the lovely Anna's question,
as well as to every other hot babe that complained about
being omitted from the Top 10 is this: "I would be more
than happy to fuck every one of you." Most of you know how
to find me: Just give me a call and make an appointment.
I'm booking about a week out right now, and I have a Summer
Sex Special starting this month. Call for details.
"The
Top 10 girls We Wanna Fuck" was a lot of fun, and we will
definitely revisit this list again in the near future.
With so many hot strippers in one town, there are many
ladies I've ran into over the past month that if I had
thought about, certainly would have been on my list. Here's
a few for ya: Electra at Exotica, Shay and Octavia
at the Dolphin, Icess from Union Jacks, and Emerald
at Sassy's (make-up sex rocks!) and a ton of the chicks
I get to look at naked all day and all night long at Soobie's
Bar and Grill. (Though I promised Hong I would try
not to breed at my new home club.) Now I know that a number
of these young ladies have "insignificant" others, and
I respect that, but given the opportunity, I would absolutely
not turn it down. I mean, Christ, I'm single now. The
potential benefits of this job just got a whole lot more
interesting. What happened to the girlfriend? Well, I
came home one night, and she was gone. So was her stuff,
and the beer, and even the fucking toilet paper off the
roll. So I pouted for about twelve hours, then I drank
for about a week. And I met some pretty incredible people
that I barely remember. One that sticks out the best is
probably the one and only Miss Mona Superhero from
Union Jacks. Now I had heard of this legendary creature
before but never actually met her. On our first drunken
night together, I allowed this woman to take a souvenir
"lock" of hair from my head, which she removed with a
butcher knife. I woke up the next morning, took a quick
shower, and headed in for a day of hard work at the Devils
Workshop. As I climbed the steps to the office, I noticed
huge chunks of hair littering the stairs, hair the exact
same color as mine. Lots of it. In my clouded hangover
suffering state, the previous night's scalping all came
back to me. Love ya, Mona. Your boy-toy named me, and
you nearly maimed me. Though Mona and I never had sex,
there is a bond two people share when you allow them to
slice through eight years of hair with a dull kitchen
utensil. So when you see me out at the clubs with a new
"'do," now you know why.
But
after a week of drunken near-misses, I finally scored.
And scored
well. But much to the dismay of my coworkers, I refused
to divulge the true name of Little Miss Rebound. Though
I did let one little bit of info slip to our publisher
Frank when I admitted to him that the babe who's been
secretly servicing Spooky was a titleholder on last month's
Top 10 list. So they've been trying to play detective
to figure out who the big score was. [been there.--pub.]
But my lips are sealed...for now.
And
one last topic for discussion is a new law within a revised
statute by the Oregon State Court of Appeals which was
passed last month like a thief in the night...the kind
of thief that runs off with all your dildos and vibrators.
You gotta love these laws. Vera and her minions have found
a new way to force all of the industry to make several
lawyers very wealthy in order to protect our constitutional
rights.
What
are they trying to take away from us? The new ruling states
that anyone involved in promoting, managing, or facilitating
live shows involving sexual conduct is now in violation
of the current reading of the law. This would include
simulated sex shows, masturbation, simulated masturbation,
and toy shows. OK, and that leaves what, exactly? It leaves
a very cautious industry. Those of you out there that
enjoy the services of lingerie models/escorts beware and
give the girls a break. You can still yank it all you
want, but the girls aren't allowed to play along now.
They can dance around and provide more than adequate visual
stimulation
to help you bust your nut. But that's it
for now. But the strength of this industry usually prevails
in time. At the moment, an appeal is pending, so we'll
keep
you posted.
CALENDAR
OF EVENTS
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