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: May
2002 : Erotic City |
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After
last month, what can I say? How about we keep it nice and
simple and say it was all an April Fool's joke? For our more
intelligent readers, allow me to make yet another apology.
After
last issue's deadline was over, Spooky emerged from
hibernation (or should I say detoxification?). He found himself
in a whole new landscape. Pornland was looking a little different.
The clouds of narcotic haze had parted, and that giant flaming
ball in the sky had started to appear again. As soon as Spooky
was exposed to the first spring sunlight, he burst into flames
and ran cowering into any darkness he could find. He hasn't
been heard from since, but there was a rumored sighting called
into the office that he was seen hanging out on the patio
at Doc's Bar & Grill.
At least
Spooky went out in style as Employee of the Month. So let's
all say farewell to that mean ol' bastard. But I'll be your
host for this column to guide you through the wonders of the
flesh that Portland has to offer you right here in Erotic
City. My name is Jon Bon Voji. Writing this column
as a follow-up to three months of Spooky's psychotic rambling
is gonna be a tough transformation for us all. I'm not allowed
to say anything bad about anybody this month. And Frank is
even telling me that I gotta write more shit about what's
actually happening in town [and less angst-ridden, inside-joke,
personal drivel--Pub.].
Love and
strippers are a very dangerous, crazy combination, but sex
with
strippers...that's what it's all about. That's why every one
of you spends your hard-earned dollars in Portland's strip
clubs. You all hope and dream that
someday you're gonna get a return on that investment. Maybe
one night, the stripper of your dreams will follow you home.
Those
of us here at Exotic are even more obsessed with strippers
than all of you. Consider the fact that somehow, we all found
a way to make a living out of our addiction to sex with strippers.
Only in America, baby, and especially right
here in Portland. This town, a Nirvana of Nudity, boasts close
to a hundred different places where you can stalk over two
thousand sex-industry babes, dreaming about the opportunity
of possibly one day having sex with them. But with so many
choices, it's often difficult to stay focused.
So this
month, we've found a way to keep ourselves, (as well as all
of you) focused on a little something we'd like to call...
(This
list was compiled by polling all Exotic
staff members through a variety of methods, including secret
ballot, blatantly declared lust, obvious obsessions, bribes,
threats, and the all-powerful flip of a coin.)
#1.
SHEENA SHEENA'S G-SPOT 
A picture
is worth a thousand words in most cases, and when you get
a look at her, the visuals are the stuff wet dreams are made
of. But on top of that, this babe has brains, too. Scary shit,
boys and girls! Sheena has built one of the most formidable
jack-shack empires in all of Portland: The Palace of Pleasure,
Anastasia's, and the newest feather in her bad-ass cap,
Sheena's G-Spot. Why, we've been looking for that place
since the day we met her! Rumor has it that Sheena not only
owns all these shops, but she occasionally performs some seriously
tantalizing lingerie-modeling shows herself. So if you're
man enough, catch her if you can. We've been chasin' her for
years.
#2.
PANDORA THE BOOM BOOM ROOM
 The
vote was so close on this one, we're not even gonna tell you
how we came up with the winner, but our second favorite sexbomb
is one of the world's orgasmic wonders...Pandora. I'd like
to be a marshmallow floating in her hot cocoa. But one unfortunate
fact about this Boom Raider Covergirl is that we're all gonna
have to wait a couple of months to see her in the flesh again.
She has this very annoying habit of taking off for Guam a
couple of times a year. So consult your travel agent on rates
to Guam if you plan on beatin' us to her pearly gates.
#3.
VEGAS THE ACROPOLIS
 Up
'n' comer extraordinaire! And can you believe this babe isn't
even twenty-one yet? Does that make us all a buncha pedophiles
or something? Who the hell cares? She's legal! I can remember
the day this babe was actually let go by a bartender named
Steve, in a club that shall remain nameless, because Vegas
wouldn't take her pants all the way off during her sets. Now
I gotta be understanding to Steve, plus the horny bastard
works with us (which means he voted on this poll), and Steve
only fired her for a reason that is now clearly evident...like
the rest of us...he only wanted to get in her pants. You can
see Vegas, without her pants even, at the Acropolis, but not
at Steve's bar.
#4.
HOLLY FOXX THE ACROPOLIS
 Obviously,
right? I mean, Holly holds just about all the titles that
you can possibly acquire, including Miss Nude Oregon 2000
and Gallery Girl Next Door of the Year 2002. But now she
came in at Number Four, which is gonna piss her off, I'm
sure. And knowing this determined young lady, I'm sure she'll
be putting all of her assets into use to make sure she takes
Number One next time. (At least that's what we're all hoping
for!)
#5.
KITTY ROC'S DOLLHOUSE
 Another
title-holding temptress is the Queen of the Portland Porn
Jungle...Kitty. This purrrfect predator was actually excited
when she learned she made the list of nominees. As a matter
of fact, she was determined to make Number One. Don't know
what to say...we were here at the office for ten days during
deadline, the catnip was waiting...where were you? Determination
is just one of her many skills, and as a prime contender
for Covergirl of the Year, as well as a finalist in the
Dollhouse's contest, something tells me you might be seeing
this babe gracing our cover again soon.
 Blonde,
All-American Girl, and all-natural boner-fide
beauty. Aspen's in-office photo shoot this month was one
of the definite "best of" moments we had during deadline.
My own personal vote was definitely affected by the sight
of this topless beauty sitting in the chair next to me as
we selected her photos. I'm not quite sure if it was the
lack of panties, the position she was seated in, or the
piercing...but let's just say it was a moment I'll not soon
forget.
#7.
KIT CENTERFOLD SUITE
 There
used to be this sweet innocent dancer that worked out at
Soobie's Bar & Grill. After a year or so in the industry,
a porn star waiting to happen has emerged from that delicate
flower. And this baby has bloomed into a Venus Flytrap of
a maneater. There are stories I could tell you, but she'd
kick my ass. (One of her notorious talents is her grappling
skills.) Since she works right upstairs, I'll just keep
my mouth shut.
#8.
CLAUDIA THE DOLPHIN II (A K A SHANE SASSY'S)
 No
matter what name she goes by, this girl is heartbreak material
defined. Sweet...hot...natural...young... and she can party
your ass under the table. Wish we could see more of her
in the magazine, but this little tease will only do a mystery
appearance once in a while. She seems to be quite addictive
to the staff in general, as Exotic attendance records
at The Dolphin II are up quite a bit lately. Coincidence?
I don't think so.
#9.
ISIS THE BOOM BOOM ROOM
 Another
goddess in our sinful little version of heaven is the mighty
Isis. Now retired from dancing, she's slingin' the booze
over at the Boom Boom Room and also happens to be in the
lead at press time as our Covergirl of the Year election
develops. And if you're lucky, you can catch one of Isis's
feature cabaret performances monthly at Dante's Sinferno.
#10. AMBRESE PORTLAND ESCORT
 "AMMMBREEEECHAAAAAYYY...MI
A-MOR-AYYYY" is a common song that can be heard being
sung in amateur Italian Operatic voices by several Exotic
staffers, especially at deadline, when all the outcall/escort
section girls are filing though the office to place their
ads. But only one of these
young
ladies has captured the crotches of Exotic like Ambrese.
For all you amateurs out there that don't understand how it
works...you can't see Ambrese at a club, but you can visit
her in a more comfortable, private-type setting of her own.
Book yourself a session by calling (503) 705-7657. No one
here at Exotic can actually predict what will happen
to you, though I'm sure Darkstar will be looking into it,
since he scored a half-off coupon from Ambrese when she found
out she made the list. Let that be a lesson to all you other
escorts out there. Deadline would be a much more enjoyable
experience if there were waaaay more half-off coupons!
(If there
was an 11 there would have to be a 12 & 13, since it was
a draw, and the deadlock could not be broken. Our nearest
misses will have to battle it out next time, and those lovely
ladies we'll be tryin' to hook up with once we nail the Top
Ten are Chloe from Anastasia's, Tonic from the
Acropolis, and Geni from Sassy's.)
Consider
this a shopping list for the Portland porn connoisseur. After
totaling all the staff members' nominations and final votes,
quite a few interesting facts were revealed, the most fascinating
being: Eighty percent of the women on this list have not slept
with a single Exotic staff member. Kinda sad to think
that hardly any of us have ever conquered even one of the
hotties we want the most. Guess you only want what you haven't
had. So this means the hunt is on. Ladies of the Top Ten,
beware...we all want you real bad, and rumor has it that there
is even a pool on who the next to fall shall be and whom she
shall fall upon.
Numbers
14 through 17 go to Laura from Webb's Pub, Kelly
from Secret Pleasures, Vanessa from Private
Pleasures, and Taylor from Baby Dolls. So
many women, so little time, so little cash...that's the way
it goes.
One other
group of women that landed on several lists were technically
not sex industry workers, but working at Dante's is
about as close to that line as it gets...so hats off and erections
forward for Marne, Storm, Paula, Maya, Amber Lee, Allie,
Ashana, Ann, Alana, Pyper, and both Hannahs. Is
it 'cause they're all so hot, or is because we all consume
more alcohol at Dante's than anywhere else in Portland?
Other
Honorable Mentions go to: Sarie, Adrianne, and Nikita
from Stars Cabaret; Asia, Olive,
and Akira from the Dolphin; Cheri from
Jody's Bar & Grill; Baby Girl from Exotica
International; Autumn from City Limits Showgirls;
Laila and Logan from Club 205; Rumor
from Sheena's G-Spot; Carly from Sassy's;
Viva Las Vegas from Magic Gardens; and Raven,
Jordan, and Sianne from Cocktails & Dreams.
One of
the strangest submissions came from editor Jim Goad.
Jim was the only employee who was willing, if not excited,
to have his Top Ten list printed in its entirety, so I give
you...
THE
TOP 10 SEX WORKERS JIM GOAD WANTS TO FUCK
(Note:
Jim doesn't really get out of the office or off Burnside very
much, so we had to make an exception to the rule considering
most of his list does not include actual strippers.)
#2: Swastika
(dancer at The Desert Fox)
#3: Darklady
(Former Exotic Columnist)
#4: Reed
McClintock (One of Dante's Top 20 Coin Magicians)
#5: Daddy
Biscuits (P-Town Gigolo)
#6: Karla
(Exotic Sales Rep--Ohhh, Garrrr-lllluhhh!)
#10:
Any Chick on Burnside
Karla,
our only female staffer, tallied a vote for our own Jim Goad,
who gives one mean table dance. Trust me, I've been forced
to witness this several times in my office, unfortunately.
Next month, Goad says he's gonna let me take a photo of one
of his table dances. Seeing as how Karla is on Goad's list
as well, these two are officially voted the Number One Pair
of Exotic Magazine Employees Most Likely to Fuck.
So that's
it, Portland. I'm out. I know I didn't mention any of my own
personal picks in any great detail. What, do you think I'm
nuts? My number 1-10 is Abbey from Jody's Bar &
Grill. As for the rest, I'm gonna leave it all up to you
guys to figure out who voted for whom. I have all of the original
ballots and documents under lock and key. E-mail requests
for any clues might be answered at spookyex@hotmail.com. See
you at the rack...
(Special
note for our friends at Doc's Bar & Grill: We love you,
too. This has all been a lesson in advertising. Say you're
the best, no one cares. Say you're the worst....well, you've
seen the results of that. Advertising is advertising, as
long as you advertise in the right places, old friends.
And though we've had exposé offers from several of
your former employees, this mudslingin' melee is way past
its prime. There's only so much free advertising we can
give ya. And for what we've given you over the past two
months, you're welcome.)
CALENDAR
OF EVENTS
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