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 CONSPIRACY
SUX IS THIS
VIDEOTAPE FOR REAL? The SUX
offices recently
received a videotape of the infamous bloodthirsty Puerto
Rican night creature the CHUPACABRA
forcefully
grabbing legendary porn star JENNA
JAMESON's arm
while Jameson is clearly trying to walk away. Nasty rumors
have swirled around the industry for years regarding violence
in Jameson and the Chupacabra's tumultuous love affair.
Their relationship heated up on the set of 1997's Fuck
Me Like Bigfoot and has seen its way through one marriage,
two children, a divorce, and finally, a restraining order
against the Chupacabra. The video shows Mr. Chupacabra stalking
Jameson during her recent visit to Barbados. He is seen
watching her with binoculars as she suns herself topless
on the beach; then sitting behind a potted plant while Jenna
eats
at a seafood restaurant; and
following her as she shops for souvenirs. In the frame captured
at right, Chupacabra is grabbing Jameson and pleading with
her to not call his probation officer to report a restraining-order
violation. "Baby, please, please, just talk to me for ONE
MINUTE!" Chupacabra is seen begging Jameson on the tape.
"We can work this out, baby. PLEASE, baby! Let me see the
kids, baby! It doesn't have to get ugly like this!" Jameson
was able to summon police, and the Chupacabra was whisked
away to the drunk tank. The latest industry gossip is that
Jameson has shacked up with a new lover, THE
ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN.
GADGETRY SUX
Dildonics
Unlimited from Birmingham, England, is the talk of the Sex
Gadgets Industry  with
their new DILDO SHOE
PHONE, a sure-fire
winner for the North Portland stripper. This delightful
contraption serves three purposes:
1) It's
a fully functional cell phone, so your meth dealer is never
more than a speed-dial away;
2) It's
a high-heeled ladies' shoe, sturdy enough for those runways
along Killingsworth;
3) The
shoe's tip sports a rubber two-inch dildo, which isn't bad
if you're British.
The phone
comes in two colors: Puckered Anus Magenta and Limey Green.
Dildonics Unlimited has scored with another winner here,
and one lucky SUX reader
will win their own Dildo Shoe Phone if they can guess whether
or not I dye my hair.
MY LIFE SUX
Lately
I've been trying to jump-start my flagging ad sales by trying
to smear EXOTIC's
reputation. Many of those who know me realize that this
is merely guilt-projection, since I've hardly been an angel.
While I'm out making my rounds,
getting all snootily British about how sleazy my competitor
is for publishing SATIRICAL articles, I certainly don't
tell advertisers about my own arrest for domestic
violence in 1992. When I cluck my tongue about an OBVIOUS
SPOOF that Exotic did called "Adult Films Made By
Children," I neglect to tell people that I've had sex with
a underaged girl when I was almost forty. Or that I've stolen
Exotic's racks all while spreading false rumors about
Exotic's staff. Or about the time I attacked someone
with a butcher knife in Washington. I definitely won't show
THIS Exotic article to advertisers while shaking
my head about the immorality of Faillace's posse. The truth
is, you'd have to look far and wide to find an innocent
person in the porn industry--or anywhere, for that matter.
And it's usually the ones doing all the accusing who have
the dirtiest hands.
The
truth is, I'm obsessed with Frank. In a gay way, probably.
He's younger than me. His magazine is much bigger than mine.
He snags much more pussy than I do. People actually LIKE
Frank, while everyone thinks I'm a nebbishy weasel.
I love Frank so much, I want to become him, and cloning
Exotic was my way of becoming Frank. But SUX isn't
really a clone of Frank's magazine. In fact, SUX isn't
really a magazine at all. It's a collection of sex-industry
ads surrounded by the flattest, blandest, most faceless
cardboard editorial filler you could
imagine. It is a magazine distinctly devoid of an editorial
personality. A robot could have made it. In producing SUX,
I have managed to create something which is as soulless
as I am.
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