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xmag.com
: January 2002: Jack Shack |
As
Airtight Granny begins, a written disclaimer
states that all actors are 18 years of age or older.
NO
SHIT!!!
"Gerontophilia"
is a clinical term describing a sexual fetish for the
elderly, and judging from the near-constant flaccid state
of this video's male participants, none of them are afflicted
with it. Almost all of this film's drama hinges around
the visible struggle of nearly a dozen fat, balding, sallow
studs vainly trying to maintain their erections. One guy
never takes off his underwear; he just lets his cock poke
through the cotton and looks very uncomfortable being
there. Another is naked except for his wristwatch and
eyeglasses--classy! The men keep lazily massaging their
bread loaves throughout the video, rubbing sweat off their
faces and looking bored. Their intensely glum disinterest
is so strong, it's nearly edible.
The
Granny of the title is one "Jenette," a shrieking
harpy whose naked body looks like it belongs to a plucked,
anemic bird. Her saggy flesh hangs like gray elephant
skin. Jenette claims to be seventy-two years old. I'm
sure she was a hottie sometime long, long ago, back when
Mickey Rooney was a big film star. But time is kind to
no one, and Granny stands as Exhibit A. Wearing tasteful
pearl earrings, a pearl necklace, and sheer white leggin's,
Granny is spunky, sassy, eager to please, possibly drunk,
and so old that nothing short of Carbon-14 dating would
be able to determine her exact age.
I'm
unsure what the "Airtight" in the title refers to, but
it surely can't be
any of Granny's orifices. Her sloppy twat and saggy ass
don't seem particularly snare-drum tight as they slosh
around on one dry, brownish cock after the next. In fact,
big veiny rigs slide in and out of her A-hole with the
ease of a paper towel wiping the insides of a large drinking
tumbler. You could hide a beer can in her ass and one
in her snatch, and no one would suspect anything.
All
the action, however measly, is filmed under harsh, unforgiving
video lights in a small, couch-equipped space that might
as well be the back room of the Exotic office.
A sky-blue backdrop lazily hugs the rear wall. A potted
plant sits in the corner. A rainbow-colored blanket adorns
the couch.
Hilariously
plastic electronic "Peach Pit"-style rubbery fake 50s
music, replete with farting saxophones and lotsa deep
"ooma-ooma-oomas" and falsetto "ya-ya-ya-yis," bubbles
in the background while these disinterested cocks put
Granny through the motions. One guy bends his pimply ass
over for Granny to eat as burly male voices sing "bop-shoo-waddy-waddy-bop"
on the soundtrack. The producers apparently didn't budget
enough for the music, because several tunes get repeated
near the flick's end.
Granny
shares her life with us through these revealing comments:
*
"People are too serious. Life is too short. You must smile
all the time."
*
"I don't go to church, because I don't believe in church.
My church and my spirit is in my heart."
*
"The monster is in my ass!"
*
"You guys enjoyin' yourselves?"
*
"Anybody like their butt eat out? Oooh, I love it! It's
a very sensual thing for a man, having that done...It's
a very sensuous spot."
*
"Get down to the bottom of the pit!" [while being ass-fucked]
*
"God Bless America!" [before shoving a fat dick in her
mouth]
*
"What a sweetheart!" [after someone spooges on her face]
*
"Where there's a will, there's a way." [taking one in
the mouth and one in the ass simultaneously]
*
"Oh, boy, he's sweaty!" [after burying her face in a guy's
ass]
*
"We got the German helmet at attention!"
*
"Fuck my ass, you asshole! Fuck it good, you asshole!"
*
"I wear [size] seven-and-a-half gloves--for a woman, that's
large."
*
"All women should have my attitude. It's a shame."
*
"I'll never get old, you guys. I'll always be young!"
WRONG,
Granny. You'll NEVER be young again. You'll always be
old...or dead.
At
one point, the director's voice is heard joking about
one of the actors having a sesame seed on his dick, and
it's that sort of cheap lowbrow moment which summarizes
the festivities. When one guy starts smacking Granny on
the head with his schvanz, it's appropriately degrading.
While sucking cock, Granny makes several disturbing "mm-mm"
and "nummy-nummy" sounds. She explains that she loves
when men splat their money shots all over her body, because
cum serves as an anti-wrinkle cream. My only advice is
MORE CUM, Granny, because it ain't workin'! Closeups repeatedly
feature Granny's terrifyingly old face smooching at the
camera and wagging her tongue. Half-hard cocks comically
try squashing inside her holes like slimy ferrets seeking
a burrowing den.
The
director apparently realizes that the film would be
about three months long if it were left up to Granny
to satisfy everyone, because the last few minutes
consist of a series of fully hard cocks, apparently
stimulated by something other than Granny, running up
to her and dumping their goop on her face. The final
shots of a dazed, cum-splattered Granny staring into
the camera bear the queasy unease of a snuff film. And
then, as Granny's talking--I LOVE THIS!--she's cut off
in MID-SENTENCE, and the phrase "THE END" bounces onto
the screen. It's a fittingly disrepectful gesture toward
an old tart who deserves nothing less.
It's
hard to be sex-positive about this film. Some people
shouldn't have sex. Some people should stay clothed.
Sex and death are exciting. Sex and old age are merely
disgusting. Everyone gets old and dies, but most of
us don't do it on camera. With the Graying of America,
we all face an important choice: to grow old gracefully,
or to flail about under hot video lights, squawking
dockyard-hooker obscenities while our ancient, melted-candle-wax
bodies try without much success to keep nearly a dozen
bored donkeys fully erect.
There
can't be a God, because he wouldn't allow things such
as this septua-genarian gang-bang to exist. Same goes
double for Goddess. When you are exposed to something
such as this, you are permanently tainted. You can never
really wash it all off. If Granny's grandkids have any
sense, they'd have her committed immediately.
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