If good things come in small packages, that must mean GREAT things come in big, fat, flabby packages.

Piggy jowls? Ooh-la-la!

Big ol' belly? I love it!

Flabby teats? Come to daddy!

Mammoth legs? Bring it on!

Chubby cheeks? Boi-oi-oing!

Elephant ass? Awww, yeah!

Now that's the stuff!

I can't get enough of fat chicks. I'm hooked. I've always been this way! I can't help it. Don't judge me. Wait--you say you like 'em, too? Well, hot dog! Take my hand, and let's stroll together down into the Valley of Sweet, Sweet Hoggin'!

Here's the A-Z of pickin' up fat chicks in bars:

Tell them they're pretty.

That's it. That's all it takes, really.

Looking for a real blue-ribbon-winning hog? Go to your nearest neighborhood bar. There's always a fat chick sitting there, waiting to have the life fucked out
of her.

The ideal fattie is the one sitting there alone. This way, her herd of other cows don't distract you with the nonsense all chicks talk about.

 

Approach her with a can of beer. Ask if you can sit down. No, don't ask--sit right down, trusting that her self-esteem is so low, she'll offer no protest. Break the ice with a suave "Hi," or better yet, a "Howdy, darlin'!" Fat chicks love that kind of stuff. And then prey on her naïve sympathies. Even if you have ten grand in your wallet, plead indigence. Start small talk. Boy, the weather was nice today. Damn, that Osama bin Laden's a pesky rascal! Then tell her she's got REEL PURDY eyes. Continue with your small chitchat about anthrax and the Blazers...then, out of the blue, drop the bomb, the one that devastates all fat girls. This is the only line you'll ever need to pick up fat girls, so please use it with discretion: "So yeah, normally I go for fat chicks, but I think you're really cute." That's it. Solid gold. Suddenly there's a cocktail in front of you and an eager, lubricated hamhock sitting next to you.

But you're not in yet. Not quite. Continue to slop the hog with compliments. Give her warm smiles and act as if you think she's actually attractive. Fatten up her ego, which is the only part of her that needs fattening. Tell her how outraged you are that Victoria's Secret doesn't cater to Big Beautiful Women. Praise pro-fat outlets such as Lane Bryant. Give mad props to Camryn Manheim. Tell her you hate porkers such as Ricki Lake and that hippo from Wilson Phillips who sell out other fat chicks by losing weight. At all times and in all ways, make her believe that you think there's nothing cooler than a fat chick.

Now here's the real test. Here's what separates the boys from the men. A real dedicated hogger would've planned ahead and had the Molly Ringwald video in the VCR and the Cure CD in the stereo. Lure her with the promise of a chick flick and a cold beer. Maybe even a bite to eat. You do like to eat, don't you, baby? That's the cherry.

When screwing fat chicks, safety comes first. An excited bovine can hurt you. It's dangerous to give her the impression that she's petite. Case in point: I was fucking around with this obese pig one time, manipulating her self-image to where she thought she looked like Olive Oyl. Our nightly sexual gymnastics were proceeding as planned. I was on my back, getting blown--a GREAT blow job--but it suddenly went wrong. Terribly wrong. The entire room was eclipsed by her huge thigh, and with the stealth of a Texas bull-rider, she jumped on my face and expected me to give her a little 69. I was pinned down; I tried to scream, but to no avail. I struggled to push her off, but she interpreted my gestures as sexual excitement. I was smacking her on the ass, and she got even more excited. Finally, I gave her a sharp punch to the kidneys, and she finally removed her massive bulk from atop me. Suffocation is a constant threat while hoggin', so be alert.

NEVER let her get on top. Lie to her and tell her you like to do all the work. Laying back and enjoying yourself while the monster water buffalo rides you may sound like a good idea, but it isn't worth your life.

A fat chick once broke my bed frame during a zesty round of anal sex. In return, I broke her heart. We're even.

The biggest "don't" with fat girls is to NEVER use the word "fat." Instead, enrich your vocabulary with deceptive phrases such as "queen-sized goddess," "stout maiden," "big-boned temptress," and "voluptuous sexpot."

And now it's time to redeem myself to every fat girl in Portland: I'm sorry! I'm so, so, soooo sorry! I honestly find that fat chicks, due to their heft, are forced to be more charming than thin girls. They are forced into a life of being charming because they lack the sort of beauty that society values. I think that one fat chick, with one little tempting fat-chick smile, is more beautiful than all the skinny little toothpick girls in the world combined. The problem with fat chicks isn't that they're fat; it's that they're chicks.