"Your view of the universe
is quite correct. It is magic. If we wish hard enough
it really comes to pass. The only difficulty is to find
the pure wish."
--Colin, a Darklady reader.
Ten
years ago May 5th, my life was draining away inside
of a shattered automobile wrapped around a tree overhanging
a coastal river. The pain was simultaneously absolute
and nonexistent. Before the surgeons patched me back
together again I'd "died" three times. I was told I'd
never walk again, I'd lose a leg, I'd have to go to
a special clinic, I'd walk with a bad limp after a long
rehabilitation. Then they admitted that they had no
idea what I'd be able to do because I was already doing
what I wasn't expected to be able to ever do again.
An ever-growing writing career, two
sadly concluded marriages, the death of my father, my
brother, and a dear friend later, I'm still doing what
I was never expected to be able to ever do. I also feel
afire with life and the intensity of living and loving.
In fact, the word "intense" has been cited on numerous
occasions as both a reason for loving and for leaving
me. Perhaps something inside of that crushed VW Bug,
something during those brief instants in that first
emergency room during which I ceased to exist, made
me acutely aware of how precious is this brief cherry
blossom spring that is our time here. And how poignant
and luscious it is.
And yet I do not know what my pure wish
is. Perhaps it is that I may truly live the days of
my life--in the company of like-minded and like-hearted
individuals, if possible.
Yes, I yearn for completion. I strive
for greater understanding. For more patience, more compassion,
more kind ways to say the difficult things and more
courage to do the things that I fear. I want to love
in a way that welcomes and nurtures growth and allows
for change. I want to increase my capacity to forgive
and to trust, to know when to speak up and when to remain
silent, to further explore the boundaries of inner strength
and of surrender.
"And yet I
do not know what my pure wish is.
Perhaps it is that I may truly live the days of
my life--in the company of like-minded and
like-hearted individuals, if possible."
Since the day I "died" and lived to
tell the tale, I've lived many an adventure to tell
about. I've howled with grief and laughed with joy,
ventured with increasing confidence into sensual and
emotional frontiers I'd barely dared dream existed,
let alone hoped to homestead. I've learned how bitter
the fruit of honesty can be and how vital and nourishing
I find its juice.
My life has been peopled by some of
the most amazing individuals imaginable and I continue
to be honored to count people whom I admire, respect
and adore among my friends and lovers. The sky isn't
always blue and the way isn't always clear to us, but
the sincerity of our intentions and the purity of our
goals is rarely in question.
Ten years ago May 5th, my life was draining
away. Today I feel the potency of my anima filling me
up. The present and the future are sometimes fearful,
sometimes agonizing, sometimes exquisite, and nearly
always wondrous to experience and to contemplate. The
fact that I began doing the impossible a decade ago
gives me hope that it is a trend that will continue.
Every morning is truly an unexpected delight to me and
whether the day presents me with fair or foul, I endeavor
to find the lessons that are there if only I open my
heart wide enough to feel them. I'm glad to still be
here. Thanks for joining me.