I wasn't planning on going to Mardi Gras, but a couple I know had all their reservations and tickets paid for months ahead of time and as luck would have it, he wound up not being able to go. He gave her the tickets and encouraged her to find someone else to go with.

Owing to numerous writing deadlines, I almost said no to her offer of a 'free' four-day party in New Orleans. But one good thing about freelancing and owning a laptop is that you can take your job with you.

Mardi Gras started as soon as we disembarked in New Orleans. People (mostly drag queens) with outrageous costumes were already parading through the halls of the airport! Near the French Quarter it was chaos and our cab took
more than 45 minutes to go a distance we could have probably walked--for free--in 30.

Oh, well. They say Mardi Gras means 'Fat Tuesday' but I think it means 'Anything Goes.' Public nudity, drunkenness and, unfortunately, even drug use were rampant. The streets were packed! It wasn't uncommon to see men and women strutting around wearing nothing more than a minuscule G-string and a few strategically placed seashells, which hid absolutely nothing. They may as well have been naked...but that's illegal. Anybody who was wearing really risqué costumes got groped and fondled constantly--and that's obviously what they wanted! At Mardi Gras, groping isn't all you can get on the streets. I was amazed at how many used condoms (most of them green) I saw on the sidewalks. We witnessed penetration of both males and females by fingers, dildos and other handy body parts...all right there on the street or in dimly lit nightclubs.

Mostly we laughed...constantly! Especially when an attractive blonde with huge tits came towards us wearing nothing but three chocolate chip cookies attached with dental floss! Two of the cookies were (almost) covering her nipples; the third was down below. I asked if they were real. She laughed and said, "What, the cookies or the tits? The tits are real, honey and the cookies are fake--if the cookies were real they'd have been eaten a long time ago!"

From what we saw, it seemed the cops were willing to overlook a lot of lawlessness and were only making arrests when the situation looked like it might become dangerous. Stay relatively sober and respectful and you can have some pretty bizarre (and very public) sexual encounters at Mardi Gras. Be quick about it, too; plan on finishing up in a couple of minutes before the cops have time to show up.

One other important thing: During the day and until about midnight, young kids are at Mardi Gras, too. So if you're looking to expose yourself or get it on in public, don't do it in front of the little ones. Usually after midnight (when the partying really starts) all the kids are gone, anyway.

If you like crowds that teeter on the verge of a sexual stampede after the sun goes down, Mardi Gras should be your next destination. The colors to wear are green, gold, and purple. Buy your tickets at Ticket Master in January; book hotel accommodations even earlier. There are no direct flights into New Orleans from Portland, but connections weren't problematic.