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My
testicles are very nice and shapely, but they can only
produce so much Elmer's Glue, if ya know what I'm sayin'.
And there are times, often after I've popped a half-dozen
loads over a lazy afternoon of balling some nameless,
faceless cum-bucket, where I'm able to lift the tube of
Pepsodent but can't manage to squeeze any toothpaste out,
if you catch the cut of my jib. After an hour of aimless
thrusting, fucking doesn't seem so fun anymore. Suddenly,
fucking conjures images of blind rodents burrowing inside
damp underground tunnels...of soggy toothpicks poking
between tartar-laden teeth...of a dirty rubber plunger
seeking to unclog a toilet...of colonoscopes probing for
rectal tumors.
One doesn't  want
to appear...unmanly. And one most definitely doesn't ever
want to hurt a lady's feelings. What I DO want is for it
to be over...please, holy bleeding Jesus Christ, let it
be over. And so on those grim occasions, I'll roll back
my eyes, emit a token grunt, and
pretend as if I've blown my wad. And my lady friends have
never been able to tell the difference.
"Men fake orgasm. A lot. And
yet cultural taboos and prejudices prevent
us from talking candidly and openly about it."
Much has been written about premature ejaculation,
yet there's a sinister Conspiracy of Silence regarding its
Evil Twin Brother--delayed or nonexistent ejaculation.
It is perhaps the greatest, most pervasive
Unspoken Truth in Western Civilization:
Men fake orgasm. A lot. And yet cultural
taboos and prejudices prevent us from talking candidly
and openly about it.
As research for this important, groundbreaking
article, I asked several adult males whether they've ever
faked an orgasm, and all but one of them responded in the
affirmative, and he was a little weird, anyway. The men
I queried...no, wait, I don't like that word "queried"...sounds
too faggy...the men I've quizzed regarding the Faked
Male Orgasm (FMO) usually said it was because they were
disgusted with their partner. Their FMOs were typically
isolated occurrences involving one-night stands when they
suddenly sobered up enough to see the stretch marks or smell
the stench.
So why did these gallant knights fake
it rather than confront the maiden with an unpleasant
truth?
To spare her feelings? Only indirectly.
Most of them, in typical swinish boy-pig oinkety-oink
fashion, seemed breezily unconcerned with "her" "feelings."
But they ALL seemed highly fretful about what possible
damage the spurned woman might inflict on them once her
feelings were hurt.
We've all heard the salty sailor's joke
stating that women fake orgasms because they think we
care. So why do men fake it? Because we KNOW
they care.
Because, simply, anyone who's able to
rub two brain cells together knows that women are childlike,
irrational, hyperemotional, immature, vicious, vindictive,
petty, unfair, poopie-faced creatures, and to imply that
they can't draw the venom out of your Love Fang--EVERY
fucking time--is just too much truth for their fragile
little china-doll hearts to handle. To infer that her
inflamed, slimy Pleasure Orchid may not be the Blue Ribbon-winning
flower she fancies it to be will ultimately only bring
suffering on you rather than on her. To claim that her
vagina is anything other than a Golden Honey Palace is
to invite pain upon yourself. Undeserved pain, but pain
nonetheless. A woman who feels less-than-desirable is
fully equipped to rain hellfire on the chump who made
her feel
that way.
It never occurs to her that she might
be unable to satisfy you. It just isn't part of her psychological
makeup. It doesn't compute. Huh? Say what? Not satisfy
you? she'll ask, failing to understand the situation's
simultaneous gravity
and hilarity.
And yet it is funny...when a female
fails to reach climax, the male is blamed, but when a
male can't seem to pop open another creamer to dump in
her coffee cup, the male is again blamed. The male
always gets blamed. That's an unfortunate fact
of our culture, and one with which I'd counsel all young
boys to familiarize themselves.
'Tis relatively easy to fake a male
orgasm while wearing a condom, so long as the rubbery
device is disposed of with swift discretion. But an
unsheathed penis will find it difficult to emulate a
jizz-load. Unlike the female orgasm, the male orgasm
leaves a "footprint," as it were. Emotions are easy
to fake...bodily fluids, not so easy. One cannot impersonate
a bodily fluid the way one can fake the exaggerated
grimaces and turkey-gobble sounds of male ecstasy.
If you choose not to wear a rubber and
your woman is the suspicious kind prone to doing regular
"dipstick checks," you may have a problem. Inserting
an alien fluid into her vagina when she isn't looking
presents several difficulties, and one should never
underestimate their formidability. Should one stash
a turkey baster near their mattress? This is a matter
of personal preference, and a subject on which I am
not legally authorized to comment at this time.
But without fear of violating the conditions
of my parole, I can make this statement: The Veil of
Silence which enshrouds Faked Male Orgasms has persisted
for far too long. It is time for us to raise the curtain,
to pierce this invisible hymen.
Our strength, kind gents, may lie in
withholding our precious fluids. Just as women seem
to relish the psychological power that comes from the
fact that our bony, cylindrical wee-wees don't always
deliver them to Shangri-La, us boyfolk may get a lot
of mileage from letting the ladies know that their furry
li'l snappin' turtles don't always close the deal for
us, either.
So next time, guys, don't fake it. Instead,
pull it out, shrug your shoulders, and blame it all
on her. Please, God, blame it all on her....
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