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xmag.com
: February 2001 : Behind
the Hype |
Let's
break away from the medium of radio (where I ply my
trade) just for a moment and examine something in that
other realm that has been serving the salacious public
faster than a lunchtime binge at McDonald's. I'm talking
about that all-time drive-up window of instant gratification--the
look into the lives of supposed "normal" people in outrageous
environments. "Reality TV" is a game show of epic proportions,
and the queasiest to date is Temptation Island.
Call it the recipe-for-scandal in this little gem that
is sure to dominate the water-cooler gossip section
for months to come. The premise is chimp-simple: Take
several 20-something professional couples; put the boy
monkeys on one island, the girl monkeys on the other
and proceed to tempt them with the choicest grade-A
bananas. Maybe it's a cut above monkey mind intelligence.
After all, in one scene you see an orgy of bodies splashing
and cavorting in bathing suits straight out of Rio,
and in another, there's tears of pain witnessing their
significant other's "encounter" with the opposite sex
caught on tape. The "big moral questions" that arise
almost immediately are: "which couples are really meant
for each other;" "will these two be faithful to one
another the entire time;" "who's going to be the first
to kick that obnoxious host's ass" and "is this really
right?"
I'm currently writing the
proposal for
"World Wrestling's Most Tempting
Survivalist Chases..."
The women are hot, but the guys demonstrate
their slacking intelligence from the get-go. Of course,
you knew that would be the case. It almost makes you
wonder why the better half bothers with these refugees
from the Planet of the Apes...or, how does a blonde
lawyer have a body like that! Reality TV? In reality,
no woman just takes time off from her clerical job to
be on an island and happens to already sport a tan,
a tight six-pack tummy and tits that kill. In this "MTV
Beach Party Meets Change of Heart," I'm curious to see
all the couples that didn't make the cut.
Try as I might, however, I cannot boycott
the show. After all, there's fun, excitement, heartbreak
and an underlying sexual urgency all packed into an
hour's worth of programming... all that and barely a
three-syllable word spoken, kids! Should I take offense
to the fact that a network is encouraging infidelity
among modelesque professionals? Nah. In following with
the tradition, you'll notice in Survivor 2 that
the couples are a trimmed-down, younger, sexier and
more tanned version of the original competitors...and
fraught with sexual tension, too. Actual real people
on TV? Please...that is so last millennium.
Temptation Island may outrage
some, but the majority will be go back for more McNuggets
(tm). Tears may be shed when one participant views his
partner locked in a hot and heavy embrace with a racially
non-specific Tommy Hilfiger model-stud, but then all
is strangely glossed over in an impromptu beach party
and a good old fashioned game of "Truth or Dare." So,
what's the point to all of this? For one, you no longer
need to frequent an underage nightclub to catch the
trials and tribulations of young people and their mating
ceremonies. The generic public is so lazy these days
that they can't be bothered to go out and get in the
emotional mud themselves...they can watch others do
it on TV.
I say that the networks should just
go for broke. I'm currently writing the proposal for
"World Wrestling's Most Tempting Survivalist Chases"--where
The Rock and Chyna pilot a stolen Camaro along the LA
freeway whilst fighting their sexual feelings for one
another and completing specified tasks along the way
(laundry, nails, trainer, tanning, cappuccino). All
this while trying to outwit a legion of cop cars and
choppers whom viewers get to vote out of the chase from
time to time. Soundtrack in stores soon.
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