At first it all seemed so normal. Some people might think it was kind of strange to pay money, stand in line, and wait around in a hot, over-crowded club just to see some other guy's penis. But not me. Some people might question the sexual preference of any man obsessed and familiar with another man's cock. But I'm not one of them. Some people might even tell you it's just plain wrong to glorify and admire another man who is famous for sucking his own dick. ‘Fuck those other people,’ is what I thought. They've obviously never seen Ron Jeremy in action. They can't appreciate The Hedgehog, or the role he's played in making this society great.

Like so many other guys who have spent their share of time watching pornos, I know most of the guys on the scorecard. Peter North shoots a mean load. John Leslie's got that suave sophistication. Tom Byron fucks with the best of them. They're all great; but most porno superstuds are just variations of the same thing. Then there's Ron Jeremy. The one and only Ron Jeremy. The most popular and recognizable man in all of porn.
When I was asked to interview Ron for Exotic, I jumped on the opportunity. I'm a huge fan of Jeremy, and that's why I stood in line for nearly an hour to see him when he slipped into town recently for Ron Jeremy’s S&M Sideshow at the Cobalt Lounge. For me, the prospect of meeting and interviewing one of my only true-life heroes was overwhelming, especially when it was someone like Ron, who I related to on a personal level. See, I'm not one of those guys who goes to the gym or anything like that, and as anyone who's seen Ron in action can attest, he's not exactly a specimen of fine physical condition either. Looking like a cross between Super Mario and Jon Lovitz, he's the class clown that made fart noises during history class. His unequaled success in the world of porn is proof that there is hope for fat guys everywhere. Chiseled out of jello and covered with more body hair than a grizzly bear, he's the closet thing porno has to an every-day, working class kind of guy. Of course the fact that he's hung like a horse makes him more than an every-day kind of guy.The artillery he packs between his legs is a massive joint that sports it's own zip code, inspiring fear in women and admiration in men. The fact that he's appeared in over 1700 porno flicks and had sex with some of the finest chicks ever to spread their legs and get down on all fours makes Ron Jeremy the envy of millions. He's the king of porn.
Even before the show got started, I began to feel apprehensive about being there. There were very few women to be seen, and most of those that were there weren't exactly "easy on the eyes.” Two scantily clad ladies walked around the room handing out free Nut Rolls. The room was packed with men from all walks of life, which at first seemed cool, like we were all brothers in some sort of secret society—The Loyal Order of the Hedgehog. But then it dawned on me that these guys were all here to see a man who's made a career off of his cock. The group of frat boys standing next to me started talking about their favorite anal gang bang videos, and one kept saying over and over again, "I hope Ron sucks his own dick tonight." Suddenly, what I thought was very normal behavior became very weird, and my entire view of society began to slip into the toilet.
Things only got worse once the show got started. The host of the show was a "comedian,” some unfunny asshole who had “being obnoxious” confused with being funny. Then came the band—three chicks and a guy from Eugene. At least they were loud and sounded like a bad version of Josie Cotton—the one-hit wonder from the 80s who sang "Johnny Are You Queer.”
Finally, Ron Jeremy took the stage. Suddenly I was excited again. All the negative thoughts that had filled my mind were gone; the Hedgehog was in the building. And then Ron launched into some of the most tired stand up comedy I've ever heard in my life. His shit was so old, the last time I heard it I fell off my dinosaur and broke my wooden underwear. After about 12 minutes he left the stage. That was it. No whipping it out. No self-fellatio. About 30 minutes later he came back on stage to host the Banana Eating Contest, where women from the audience pretended to give a blowjob to a piece of fruit. Why not give Ron a blowjob? That's what we all paid money to see. If I was going to get my money’s worth, I wanted to see Ron Jeremy's dick go into someone's mouth. I didn't care if it was his own, one of the chicks’ onstage, or one of the frat boys’ standing next to me.
The icing on the cake was when the asshole that claimed to be Ron's manager told me I couldn't interview the Hedgehog. "Unless you're from Rolling Stone, Ron won't talk to you," he said to me. I laughed in the guy's face. Obviously he didn't know who he was dealing with. I was on a mission.
I went over to the best looking women in the place, a dancer I knew from Sassy's. I offered her twenty dollars to flash her tits at Ron to get his attention, and then ask him if he'd do an interview with me. Five minutes later I was interviewing the Hedgehog himself. There were so many questions burning in my brain I didn't know where to start. Who gobbles cock better, Traci Lords or Ginger Lynn? When did you first discover you could give yourself a blowjob? Do you ever get over-heated with all that hair on your chest? I didn't know where to start. But since his time was limited, I figured I should ask Ron some questions that really mattered.

Exotic: Ron, the presidential elections are only a few months away. Who is your presidential endorsement?
RON JEREMY: I definitely want Al Gore. When the Republicans are in office they prosecute adult movies. They always have and they always will. They have to satisfy the religious folks who get them in office. The Democrats don't do that, so I like Democrats.
Exotic: Will Ron Jeremy ever run for elected office?
RJ: If you look at a company called Pornstar Clothing, they're running a T-shirt that says, "Ron Jeremy for President.” It's not gonna happen. Ron Jeremy will never run for public office. When you do adult movies you pretty much end that career. I was a schoolteacher once, so I'm licensed to teach. I have a Masters' Degree in special education.
Exotic: If you're concerned about your past sexual activity, I think America could over-look all that stuff. Especially considering the fact you've done it all out in the open. Nobody cares that you've sucked your own dick. Someone else sucked Bill Clinton's dick while he was in office, and it all worked out in the end.
RJ: You know what's great about that? Fifteen years ago it would have gotten the guy impeached, kicked out of office and ashamed. But because he was doing a nice job as president, people forgave him. In fact, he was at his highest approval rating during that whole scandal—which means America finally got a brain. They figured what a guy does sexually affects his wife and his daughter, not the country. How he is as a President affects the country. As Bill Mahr of Politically Incorrect said, "Any question that shouldn't be asked doesn't deserve an honest answer." Asking about your sex life is nobody's business. And a gentleman doesn't talk.
Exotic: Okay, maybe America isn't quite ready for a guy who can perform oral sex on himself to be commander and chief, but do you think there will ever be a time that a guy like you could run for President?
RJ: There might be a time that a guy like me could run for President. But I actually wouldn't, because the time isn't right now. It's nothing I really desire to do.
Exotic: There was a time when every young man wanted to be President of the United States. Now they all want to be in pornos. That's what I want to do. How do all the aspiring male porn stars like myself break into the business?
RJ: Find a pretty girl. Call up World Modeling Agency, it's in Van Nuys, California, and if the girl is cute you'll get a job as a new couple. They always need new women, but men are just props. If a guy tries to get in the business it's him and a hundred guys every day. If you bring in a new girl that's a different story—then you get work. And if you do a nice job, then you work on your own.

Thus spoke the Hedgehog, who’s been putting it to women on film and video for nearly a quarter of a century. I mean, the guy fucked Seka, for Chris’sakes. For a moment I was moved; then I just moved over to the bar to wash this whole sorry sideshow experience outta my mouth. Rolling Stone my ass. Maybe old porn stars should just fade away.