JON: Come on....you hear this stuff all the time.

Andy: Oh what, I hear "you make my panties wet" all the time?

JON: Who makes your panties wet?

Marcus: [Marvin Gaye's] What's Goin' On. That's wet panty music. I always listen to that record before I get out of the van.

Andy: I'll tell you the first band who ever made my panties wet--Wendy O. Williams of the Plasmatics. And Chrissie Hynde.

Marcus: Somethin' about a girl who looks like she can kick your ass.

VIVA: What is it about ZG that makes girls' panties wet?

Marcus: If we answer that, will panties still get wet? It's a trade secret.

Andy: Probably cuz there's been no good music for the past seven years.... Stevie Nicks makes my panties wet.... She has a weird connection with autistic children.

Marcus: Yeah, the frequency in her voice--it's the artificial septum. She blew out her septum doing tons of cocaine. The artificial septum vibrates at a frequency that autistic children can pick up on.

Andy: They find it soothing.

VIVA: Do you think there's hope for the future of rock music?

Marcus: Yeah. Rock'n'roll will never die.

VIVA: Do you think ZG will ever get on the radio and touch those people out in Minnesota?

Marcus: Well, I don't know about the radio. I love to get out there to the heartland and touch those people personally. Nothin' like rollin' into Kansas....

Andy: ....and playing at Kirby's. Playin' to grandma in her Ratt t-shirt. In Kansas they get into fights over where we'll play.

Marcus: The deciding factor for where we'd play was that little old lady--pushin' sixty in her Ratt t-shirt--who brought us a sampling of chicken and dumplings. We played Kirby's 2. Then they took us home and there was this plastic Jim Beam bottle filled with Christmas money and they emptied it to buy our shit.

VIVA: So, you sold your souls to rock'n'roll....was it worth it?

Marcus: Definitely. When your mother tells you it's worth it, you know it is.

VIVA: Yeah, the parents can be hard to persuade.

Andy: My parents have never been west of West Virginia, so anything outside of that area is bonus points.

VIVA: Let's have some more cocktails. You guys need to get sauced. The first time I saw ZG, Marcus was falling all over the place, and Andy was throwin' his sticks at the audience, jumping on his kit, and falling off his stool.

Andy: And you were in a fight!!

VIVA: And my heart was won!! Who is Zen Guerrilla's sexiest member and why?

Marcus and Andy (in unison): Karl! He's chocolate. Rich may be a close second.

VIVA (moans): Rich.... What's the sexiest state in the union?

Marcus: I'm a Kentucky boy myself.

VIVA: What's sexy about European tours? Which country has the best babes?

Andy: The north! They're all beautiful in the north; they're all like 6'1. You see the most beautiful women walking around with the ugliest dudes!

Marcus: You gotta be careful with European women, though. We've heard too many bad stories about the gift that keeps on giving....

VIVA: So, Marcus, what's the sexiest guitar sound?

Marcus: An Epiphone with one string.

VIVA: How about the sexiest guitar sound in a band, like, say, The Kinks?

Marcus: There you go. Dave Davies.

Andy: Hendrix. I'm a Hendrix freak.

VIVA: Hendrix. I keep bringing him up for that quote, "It's not the notes you play, it's the notes you don't play." The Nirvana sound, as interpreted by Portlanders, is like "grrrrrawrrrrawrrrr" with no rests--it never ends. You need rests! Like the Buzzcocks! Like Hendrix's "Red House!"

Andy: I think that Hendrix paused to enjoy the high.

VIVA: Sexiest band ever? Zen Guerrilla?

Andy: Adam Ant. He had a killer rhythm section.

VIVA: People keep saying Prince....What do you think of Prince?

Andy: No way! Prince is too short!

Marcus: SLY STONE.

Andy: Tina Turner! She makes love to that mic!

VIVA: Sexiest song ever?

Andy: Devo, "Working in a Coalmine."

Marcus: You think so?

VIVA: When you guys are done answering, I'll tell you the right answer.

Marcus: Dusty Springfield, "If You Go Away."

VIVA: Sexiest song ever: The Kinks, "You Really Got Me." How about sexiest band of the 90's, which is a lot harder. Zen Guerrilla?

Andy: No, no... Those guys who did "I'm Too Sexy for My Shirt."

JON: Right Said Fred?!

Andy: Yeah, yeah! Hats off to Right Said Fred!!

VIVA: Sexiest band, Right Said Fred?! Do you agree with that, Marcus?

Marcus: You can't document that.

VIVA: Sexiest girl band of all time?

Andy: The Go-Go's.

Marcus: The Go-Go's?!

VIVA: The Go-Go's? I never woulda guessed that Andy's such a popster!

Andy: Well, they're the drunkest band. My Bloody Valentine. That's the sexiest girl band. Or girl-in-a-band. Belinda Butcher makes my panties wet.

Marcus: He's got My Bloody Valentine tattooed on his left ass-cheek. The Shags from Kentucky are the sexiest girl band.

VIVA: Sexiest alcoholic beverage?

Andy: Bloody Mary's with rum. With Bacardi.

VIVA: Jesus, you're weird, Andy!

Marcus: Jameson's.

VIVA: What's sexier, outer space or inner thigh? When you see Marcus onstage, you think it must be outer space, but when you talk to him, it's obviously inner thigh.

Andy: Marcus said inner thigh? I think it might actually be outer space. It's unchartered.

Marcus: I'm not leavin' this planet any time soon, so I'll stick to inner thighs.

VIVA: What's the sexiest state of undress for women?

Marcus: I do a lot of that stuff in the dark....

Andy: I like the clown suit, danglin'.

VIVA: Yikes. Sexiest underwear on women?

Marcus: I don't much care about the underwear, it's all about what's in 'em.

After the interview, the not-sauced-enough four-some churned out a fearsome set, but no "Wee Wee Hours" and no "You Really Got Me," the covers they continually promise me they'll play. Lucky for me, the tall-boys are due back on April 3rd with the Vibrators at Satyricon and on April 22nd with Man....or Astroman? at La Luna. That night Zen Guerrilla slept over at my casa, met the hedgehog and the CATS, then sped off to Seattle to have lunch with Mr. Sub Pop, who will be putting out their next record.

Fellow citizens, Zen Guerrilla makes people masturbate and get into fights, and that's what it's all about. So, whether you're outer space or inner thigh, get yourself to their shows on April 3rd and 22nd! Get way down! Get ultra funky! Get the fever! And bring a change of panties.

**PULL** "There's nothin' like rollin' into Kansas, playin' to grandma in her Ratt t-shirt."