by Rex Breathes rexbreathes@hotmail.com
DARK SECRETS
SIN CITY
Stars: Heaven Leigh, Nina Hartley, Sharon Kane, Michael J. Cox...Nina Hartley plays the Hollywood madam (Miss Weiss) running boys and girls out of her Beverly Ho’s office. First up, a snooty red head wants Miss Weiss to hook her up with a seedy bad boy–the kind she would never fuck in real life. Miss Weiss fixes her up and sends her over to his pad which is supposed to be rundown and dirty. Excuse me, but his bungalow looked a hell of a lot better than any of my white trash friends could ever imagine. No torn furniture, no motorcycle parts lying around in the kitchen... and a clean! cream colored carpet unstained by coffee, cigarettes and grease. So he takes off his poseur motorcycle jacket and gives her a mild mannered yuppie fuck on his bean bag chair. The bean bag was a nice touch but should have been held together with multi-colored, in-various-stages-of-peeling-off-dirty-disintegrating duct tape.
Next up, some government lady tax agent catches wind of Miss Weiss and heads over to investigate. Which is good, because it gives us the opportunity to see Hartley’s incredible 40 years plus ass as the agent investigates Hartley’s orifice(s). Not a bad scene. Then it’s straight down hill. (Everyone around this office thinks Hartley has ass implants... save Rex.)
A blonde executive who looks a lot more Bimbo than business,... in spite of her Rodeo Drive dress, wants Weiss to turn her on to some long haired, hunky romance. With the sound of the nearby bubbling brook carefully mixed in with 101 violins, she sucks his puny dick with the enthusiasm of the dead. As he fucks her with his shriveled up steroid offering, I was nearly grossed out by her left breast–deformed by a Canoga Park Quickie, as opposed to the royal Beverly Hills Boob Job any executive would wear. I want to vomit.
Nina Hartley was made for this role. Someone with half a script who also has the sense to rent a brain, if they don’t have one, should remake this video with Hartley in the Hollywood madam role.
MILA TAKES ON VENICE
FILMCO
Stars: Mila and Alyssa and boys taken right off the beach @ Venice!Mila and Alyssa are a couple of little trampsters who stroll down Venice Beach, pick-up poor, unsuspecting guys and take them back to their bungalow. We are guaranteed that these guys are not porn stars! (Obviously. They’re even uglier than your average male porn actor.) No. They are (very) ordinary guys plucked right off the beach. Wow. Can I have some white chicken Taco Bell with that? In defense of the male amateurs, they were all more endowed than the puny dick parade in “Secrets.” Plus, Mila and Alyssa suck dick with crack whore enthusiasm. Some of these beach bums have to wear condoms. Some don’t. And since Mila and Alyssa supposedly grabbed ‘em right off the beach, I must wonder what their latex criteria is based upon: Good looks (hardly), good grammar, good teeth. Whatever.
MOBSTER’S WIFE
VIVID
Stars: Alexandra Silk, Katie gold, Stephanie Swift, Vince Voyeur, Mr. Marcus...The mobster delivers a dildo to his little trampster on the side down at the mobster’s office–probably the dumpy offices of Vivid films. He’s going for round two with his side dish when his wife, Babs, shows up. So the boss threatens to take his little Babs out to Malibu to throw her a bone. Yeah. As if Vivid films ever gets out of the fucking Valley. The Boss craps out at the last minute leaving his top gun to take Babs to the beach. Meanwhile, the boss gets summoned to Vegas. His Bimbo invites herself along; they leave her babbling out on the balcony about the lights. (Of course, there’s actually no balconies in Vegas because of all the sold-the-wife-and-kids-and-shot-the-dog gamblers who would plunge to their deaths taking out innocent bystanders still holding onto money to lose.) But Vivid did actually make it out to the beach for some girl/girl between Babs and the maids–who look young enough to be carded for cigarettes. Babs has a good line when asked if she’s ever been with a woman. She replies, “Just the nuns who used to finger me in school.” The boss runs into Stephanie Swift at one of those cheesy new California casinos (supposed to be Vegas). So swiftly does Stephanie do the boss in the bathroom that, I hate to tell you, but you’re over, Stephanie. You are yesterday’s girl of the moment.
Back to Babs watching Mr. Marcus fuck the bosses’ side dish while she fucks herself with a pink dildo (shades of Nin’s Shock). She proceeds to have an epileptic fit while doing a lame imitation of Jeana Fine’s dirty talk. With ten scenes shot on 35 mm, you would think that there would be just one I like. Nah. Welcome to Vivid World. Wanna a good Gangster fuck film? Rent Drop Sex (reviewed in August’s Exotic).
BROKEN DREAMS
PRIVATE VIDEO
Stars: Miralda, Angelica, Gabriella, Goldie and other Euro girlsA waif of a girl, dressed in an elegant, white riding outfit complete with knee-high riding boots, removes her boots much too quickly for any fetishist, then takes it in her tiny ass–you could bounce a quarter off it. Broken Dreams has lots of snowbound castle scenes and modelesque women ala Paris Chic, sans plot, photography and narration. But good over-all style points. Next scene: a couple wearing those silly bird feather masks, like this is the Discovery Channel, show up at the castle to soiree with couple number one. Facials follow on fine furniture with classical accompaniment. But where are the tympanies?
In the the second vignette, we move onto the rubber castle where purple latex reigns supreme. More sex on spendy sofas with cute, tight Eurogirls who are just one boob job away from becoming Vivid Girls. Thank God for small tit favors. In the rubber castle, they forgot to wear the other latex... condoms. Whoops. I’m sure you won’t mind.
In the third and final vignette, the thigh-high boots stay on for some lame licking. Miralda, the skinny mile-high underwear model of the month, is worth the price of admission. If you drive a newer Mercedes and fantasize about sex in Austrian castles in the winter, this video is for you.
Thanks to Taboo Video; I couldn’t have done her w/o you.