by Rex Breathes rexbreathes@hotmail.com
TABOO 17
Metro
Stars: Misty Rain, Tony Tedeschi, Mark Davis, Roxanne HallSome laid-up lop in a hospital gets to lick the latex gloved hand of an evil intruder (Misty Rain), who becomes the narrator of Michael Zen’s “Taboo 17.” Michael, get a cab driver or anybody other than Metro contract whore, Misty Rain, to narrate next time. Some sluts should be obscene but not... Scene one looks in on the master (Mark Davis) spanking his missy maid (Roxanne Hall). Our narrator--through the miracle of idiocy--is able to call up the master on his cell phone and instruct him on his next moves. Each limp scene is set-up by the evil intruder tormenting the trussed up man in the hospital (Tony Tedeschi) with lurid details of perverse sex games....that never quite materialize.
Scene two starts out fresh with Saran wrap mummification; then the music suddenly turns stupid as the participants don fake foliage and penetrate to that raucous Celtic Musac beat. Stale is an understatement. While the narrator preaches to us that she never goes for vanilla sex, we get nothing but.
In the grateful end, the hospital job gets to fuck the intruder, sans bandages, traction and casts (boring!)... and then they actually roll credits for this flatulence. Amazing . Zen pulled this twaddle out of his pay check sucking sphincter. Rent “Taboo 17” if you have insomnia.
FADE TO BLUE
VCA Platinum; Dir.
Stars: Juli Ashton, Amber Lynn, Asia Carrera, Mr. Marcus...Juli Ashton’s a big cowgirl now, coming home to the abandoned gas station in the desert where she must reminisce and bathe...getting hosed down while she leans up against the crusty old gas pump is an invitation to the black handyman (Mr. Marcus as the Rainman of her dreams) to ravage her wilting flesh with his Lincoln Log. I didn’t know they made condoms that big. Thus begins Michael Ninn’s “Fade To Blue.” And you will fade too, long before its 118 minutes have perspired. Alas, if only Juli Ashton wasn’t so homely in the glaring desert sun. As the opening scene unfolds and her make-up starts to run and evaporate, Juli begins aging by the minute. No matter. The lens didn’t crack and she did manage to take every inch of Mr. Marcus in her zitted ass...and that’s what counts, boys.
Scene two gets surreal as a randy, circa 1960 mom and dad park their chrome trailer in the desert, set-up the lawn furniture on astroturf and make hay. Pink flamingos look on as she gets smoked in the stratolounger. It’s a stylistic achievement with astute attention to detail like Ninn is shooting a big budget, nostalgic Coke commercial. But no fizz. As she swallows the last drops, her smiling eyes seem to say, “Drink Coca-Cola.” And I’m thinking, bring me some heat under my meat, Michael. You can’t cook without coals.
Juli’s dreams meander aimlessly: she wears white fishnets with black and white cowboy boots--a fashion nightmare that woke me up for a second--while she masturbates on the hood of a shiny blue vintage Ford pick-up. The truck was prettier than Juli. More dreams... Somehow a grand piano got dropped off in this desert void so a guy in a tux could get fellated formally. After awhile, he gives Asia Carrera all of his puny dick on the piano seat. Again, a very rich scene, prop wise, a very poor scene for content.
Which brings me to our narrator’s sickening sweet candy nasty voice. Julie sets up every scene with epic flowery descriptions--F. Scott Fitzgerald of porno writing. I have a suggestion: Go write a novel instead of trying to make porno profound... which can only happen by accident. So a beautiful brunette shows up in this dreamscape to take the heat--or complete lack there of--in the road side diner. I’m asleep at the wheel.
Even cowgirls get the cock sucking blues. Which brings us to the lesbian scene between Juli Ashton and Amber Lynn (her tits cut-up to her chin). The combination of cartoon titties on one, and bad face on the other is enhanced by the relentless slo-mo photog. Yikes. Bad dream. Scary monsters. Want to wake up now. If all the slo-mo footage in “Blue” was converted to real time, Ninn could lop off half of its length.
Finally, Juli gets down in the garage with the motor oil masturbation scene. Amber Lynn--cross dressed and smoking a huge cigar--watches Juli take two tools. The grand finale features a D>P> as forgettable as the “Easy Rest Inn” is memorable to Juli Ashton’s character. I’ve never seen a Michael Ninn movie I didn’t like... till there was “Blue.” I’m sure Ninn will get some kind of award just for dropping a grande piano in the middle of the desert for two people to fuck on. And I know all the reviewers from here to Muncie, Indiana are ranting about Ninn’s brilliance in “Fade to Blue.”
But Rex doesn’t care. “Charlie don’t surf!” on this one.
Thanks to Taboo Video.