LUTHER IS MISSING
Urban myths occasionally turn out to be true. Ever hear those stories about objects of affection getting extracted in hospital emergency rooms? Luther is a case in point, getting lost up the dark channel somewhere in a Canadian waiting room. A woman interviewed by an intrepid reporter for Vice said she was playing around with her boyfriend when he suddenly exclaimed, "Luther's gone."
She looked around under the bed. The agitated boyfriend said, "No, Luther's inside you." On the way to the hospital the couple stopped off at bar. The woman needed a drink to take the edge off. Boyfriend talked to the bartender, then leaned over and whispered in girlfriend's ear: "Just imagine if he knew you had a dildo up your ass."
She dropped her drink. They grabbed a cab and went straight to the emergency room. The story goes on at length detailing the extraction. All went well. If you want the full scoop, check outVice, an excellent alty rag based in Montreal that circulates throughout Canada. Occasionally you can find it at cafes and record stores in Seattle, Portland and San Francisco. For more info on Vice, log on at www.total.net/vice

WORKING IN THE OVAL
From a letter to the editor in The New York Observer: "There seems to be no evidence that Ms. Lewinsky was ever in bed with Mr. Clinton. In holding the affair to unilateral oral limits, he showed terrific judgment. Given even minimal aptitude, the job can be done with dispatch. It's simple, efficient and relatively safe, thus showing commendable concern for the health of the nation's leader. It wastes none of his valuable time on foreplay, achieves a desirable goal by peaceful and economic means and has him back at his desk, doing the people's work, in nothing flat. And that's what I call presidential.

VIAGRA INFIDELITY
A 70-year-old millionaire industrialist dumped his 61-year-old wife after popping the new jiz-bang Viagra pill. "I'm not coming home," he told her. "I feel like a young stud again." His wife nursed him when his noodle wouldn't quiver, and now he's carrying on with young broads. She's going to court. Her lawyer said she might file a negligence suit against Pfizer. "The makers of Viagra should be liable for something like this. It's like giving a loaded gun to someone who has not been trained to shoot." But didn't the old geezer learn to shoot that gun long ago and finally figured out how to reload?

APPLY FOR AN NEA GRANT
When the Iowa state legislature prohibited nude dancing in strip bars that serve alcohol, the strip bars became juice bars. The lawmakers then banned juice bars, so the strip clubs offered nude figure drawing at ten bucks a pop. This is a throwback to Victorian England, where men would go to studios and draw pictures of nude women. As long as the woman didn't move about, it was legal.

REEBOK WICCAN
In Massachusetts Reebok's Incubus women's running tennies came under fire and brimstone. Seems the Reebok marketing department never bothered to find out that Incubus is a sex-crazed male demon who rapes women in their sleep. The Incubus logo was only on the box, not on the shoes, so Reebok deleted it. Too bad, the truly liberated fem would love the irony.

VIAGRA, WHERE WERE YOU WHEN NEEDED?
A hooker in New York was shot five times and paralyzed when the cop who propositioned her couldn't get it up. "You'll never dis anyone like this again," said the cop after he shot her. The failed encounter cost him 30 bucks. Don't know the outcome, but hope they put that cop away for a long time.