by Darklady: darklady@spiritone.com

It's February, and that's means that love is in the air again (or maybe you're just sitting too close to the stage) and there's plenty to do in an adult kinda way.

If you're looking for a fun way to help out folks whose path of love hasn't gone quite as smoothly as they'd have preferred and have a good time while doing it, boogie on down to the National Leather Association -- Portland Chapter's Mardi Gras Ball. It's a benefit for the Cascade AIDS Project. The merriment begins Saturday, February 7th at 9pm at the Adriana Hill Grand Ballroom and features the music of Lyndee Mah=Shoban. Tickets can be purchased at any Fred Meyer FASTIXX Outlets or by phone at 224-TIXX. Mah is also a collaborator/co-founding member of Pink Martini. Fabulous prizes will be awarded for the best costumes.

Starting at 10pm the following night at Kitty Diggins Zodiac Lounge will be The Aquarius Show. Wicked fun and super surprises are promised for a mere five dollar entry fee. For Information call (503) 243-2380.

I'm sure she's pretty as a song and as classy as her name, the lovely Chantilly Lace will be appearing from Thursday, February 12th through Valentine's Day (Saturday the 14th) at Salem's spacious Scores. You can always tell your wife you're out shopping for something sheer for bedtime. But don't be surprised if she knows how to get to Scores, herself. The club will be featuring the Men of Paradise once a month for the ladies. Call the club for details and don't forget that every Saturday night is Dancer of the Year contest night. You must be 18 years of age or over to enter the club.

For you Valentine party sluts, you've got a couple to choose from in Puddle City. Both CJ's and Sassy's are opening their ever-lovin' arms especially wide for you on the big day (Saturday, February 14th) at 9pm and showing you how much they love ya. CJ's will be featuring the band, InDecision for enjoyment of your ears. It's going to be a tough decision and it's not made any easier when you realize that the lovely Kai is dancing the same night at Rooster's starting at 8pm. Maybe they need some sort of shuttle bus?

Personally, I can't think of any sweeter and more thoughtful way for a man to say "I love you" than with a vasectomy... and Crimson Phoenix could make that happen for some lucky man (and woman). As part of its Fourth Anniversary Celebration, the store will be giving away a free vasectomy! Drop by the shop and register to win. There will be a psychic available for romance readings on Valentine's Day (maybe s/he can tell you whether or not you'll win that vasectomy). The first 25 customers in the door on the day of love will get a free rose. And given the incredibly low prices on pheromones during the anniversary celebration, there's no knowing what else they'll get once they arrive home.

If you love Playboy video stars and lingerie modeling, February is your month. A very special performer (you gotta call the shop if you wanna learn her identity) will be appearing at shops throughout the state this month. The mystery vixen will be in Salem, at Showgirls, on Monday the 16th, then in Portland at Baby Dolls on the 17th, Sugar Daddy's on the 18th, then back to Showgirls for the 19th, back to Portland at Honeysuckles on the 20th, and bringing her travels to a shuddering climax on the 21st at Baby Dolls. Since she's going to be traveling so much, the least you can do is drive to the closest location and catch one of her one-on-one shows.

I'll be back in town (from another whirlwind tour of L.A's flesh pots) in time to join other ladies in the industry to see dancers like we've never seen before. A Butch Strip Night: An Evening of Butch Erotica is being held to celebrate two marginalized groups: dancers and butch women. The fun will run from 9pm - 11pm on Thursday, February 19th at the Egyptian Room. A puny three dollar donation for Danzine and women in the adult entertainment industry is all it will cost you to view surprise performances, table dances, and a sex-toy raffle. The evening will be hosted by Rose Empress XL Tonya Rose. Men are welcome (but the ladies get the good seats) and all audience members must be respectful and mature in their behavior. No homophobia bullshit will be allowed. Women in the industry are especially encouraged to attend and enjoy the show.

Union Jacks is offering its tradition of great music again this month with both Dead Red Head and Plum appearing live on the 21st. The tunes begin at 9pm, so get your dancing shoes waxed up, search the couch for the three dollar cover, and get ready for a good time.

If you're not into live music but love to see a lady play dress-up, Dooley's has you in mind on the 21st. That's the night the club hosts its Theme Night... dancers are encouraged to bring their favorite creative costume and put it through its paces. Can you keep up?

Stars Cabaret is always up to something new and different, aren't they? Well, February isn't any different. Their first Bikini Bowling Classic will be held on Washington's Birthday, Sunday the 22nd. All money raised from the event will be donated to a local charity, so there's your excuse to call the club and get all the details on how you can be involved in some beautiful women and some very big balls.

Those of you who caught Mystery Woman's recent show at Rooster's will be glad to know that she's feature dancer again this month on Saturday the 28th. Swing by the club and let her know how much you appreciate a little bit of the unknown (and unknowable?).

You can never have enough hot oil wrestling, can you? I mean, it's great for the skin and hair and seems to do wonders for the eyes, too. The viewer's eyes, anyway. Knowing full well that eye health is important to Portlanders, CJ's will be generously hosting yet another night of slippery athletic fun with the Hollywood Knockouts come March 4th. If you blew it on Valentine's Day with your sweetie you might want to keep her away from the Knockouts, unless you want her to learn some smooth moves to use on your butt next year. Seats always go fast, so arrive early for best viewing.

After all that hot oil, I bet the Knockouts (and half the audience) would really enjoy a refreshing dip in one of Spa's-R-Us' new or used spa's. (I know I wouldn't complain if one mysteriously appeared in my back yard.) You can call toll free for price and size information at 1-888-999-7955.

I hope you all have a great Valentine's Day. Snickers LaBarr and I will be slumming down in (altogether too damn) sunny Los Angeles, surrounded by the (altogether too) beautiful people at the FOXE (Fans of X-rated Entertainment) awards. How much love can you fit into one room? I guess I'll be finding out.