About a year ago it came to my attention that some yahoo in the Midwest was making a bundle from a newsletter for guys, giving us tips on things to do to make the woman in our life feel special and appreciated. Not a bad idea, I admit. But the focus of this goober was on the kind of gooey slop that would only work, in my opinion, on a woman who was developmentally arrested at the eight-grade level.

Now that I actually have a “sweetie” (not my terminology... or hers for that matter), I am confronting this issue myself and I don’t think the syrup approach is going to do much good. If I were using one of the suggestions made by this dipstick, (to put little kissy-kissy notes addressed to “Snuggle Pumpkin” or “Smoochie-Poochie” in “cute” places like her lingerie drawer) I feel safe in predicting that not only would my S.O. not be impressed, but she would likely either: a) assume that the notes were meant for some non-existent “other woman” (“He couldn’t be talking to me”), or b) confront me with the vile messages and, quietly and without fanfare, proceed to hurl.

Without dismissing the concept entirely, I’d like to suggest a few ways that guys can do “something special” for that special someone; things that will turn neither our stomach nor send the woman running to the phone to book us as guests on Jenny Jones.

During a lull in the conversation during a quiet evening at home, get up from the sofa, leave the room briefly, then return, announcing proudly, “I just left so I could cut a big one. I knew I had a paint-peeler ready to rip, so I took off so you wouldn’t know I’d done it. I think the cat needs mouth-to-mouth though.”

Call her while she’s at work just to say something cute and sweet like, “Got any nails that need to be pounded at home? I just thought about you and got some serious wood. We’re talking rolling-pin here.”

The power of a kind word or two shouldn’t be underestimated. During those times of the month when she’s likely to be more emotional than usual, a reassuring compliment can work wonders. Try something like, “You sure bloat a lot less than most women,” and call me from the hospital to let me know how it worked.

Buy one of those foofy decorated bags at a greeting card shop and have it delivered to her workplace. Inside put an egg timer with a note saying, “I can be done this fast... whattaya say?” She’ll appreciate your thoughtfulness and sense of timing.

Be aware of her romantic preferences. Casablanca, for example, is one of those rare movies that women find romantic, yet guys can watch without the use of firearms for coercion. Let her know that you “get it” by surprising her with a dildo with your picture glued to the head, and a note attached saying, “Here’s looking at you, kid.”