So, you think you've heard everything! Well, my little "smut-mongers," a feast of kink unfolds on this very page. Someone once said, "The acts seen in adult movies are always done by people you'll never meet, doing things they would never do with you." As some of you may discover, that isn't always a bad thing. The terms you are about to learn may become a part of your vernacular. I realize that some of you readers have a propensity to "sleaze." Thank goodness this publication is for adults who gravitate to exotic tastes.

Recently I spent some time on the East coast. Amongst my many interest and investigations I discovered a publication which enlightened me to a few new pieces of food for thought. Or maybe that's food for twat. Now that I've laid the ground-work, grab your cum rag (or barf bag) and read on...

Pearl Necklace: A man ejaculating on a woman's breasts.
To "Shag": The up and coming (ha ha) term for fucking.
Cat (Coital Alignment Technique): A position in which a man rocks his female partner's clit until she reaches orgasm.
Wagon-Painting: Taking your male partner's testicals in your mouth and humming a tune.
Bag Piping: Fucking your partner's arm pit. Also called "Huffling."
Furtling: Cutting holes in photographs and then fucking the remaining image.
Quimbly Soup: Female ejaculation fluid. Also known as "Gusset Cordial."
Ribbling: Insertion of a finger up the anus during sex. For fun seekers, have short fingernails.
Melina: The substance discharged after vigorous anal sex.
Jack-and-Jill Parties: Men and women of all persuasions joining in a party of masturbation.
Felching: Sucking sperm out of your partner's orifice after anal sex.
Shrimping: The same as felching, except using a straw.
Wolf-Bagging: Complex activity meant to enhance anal sex. Involves some bacon rind, a length of string, and a sharp tug. Work it out, if you dare. Also known as "Rinding," "Jibbing," and "Chaffing."

All right, already! If the above acts were videotaped, I would suggest it be done as a documentary with a saxophone soundtrack. What a "visual!" The curiosity of human nature for the macabre is natural. A typical example of that fear/excitement mix happens when one comes across a car accident, especially if an ambulance is present. We wanna see!

A few weeks ago, the Jim Rose Circus Sideshow of freaks were in town. The show was a one-night-only sold-out event. I did happen to scalp a couple of tickets and attended the event. The show did feature "freaks," or, at best, "freaky" acts. (i.e., lifting a car battery from the rings pierced through a guy's nipples. The crowd went wild!)

Hopefully your common sense and desire for safety will allow you to be cautious when "playing" and "thrill-seeking."

By the way, this is a holiday month. Many of you will be preparing that Thanksgiving day dinner. After reading this article, you may have a new way to stuff the turkey!

Chow down!

For information about my show schedules, or to leave questions or messages, call my voice mail at (503) 727-2491.